Hilarious jokes about BANKs that will make your day !

Random bank joke:

I have branches, but no fruit, trunk or leaves. What am I?
Answer: A bank 🏦

Bank Jokes meme.
Bank Jokes meme.

Weird never felt so funny.
- Updated: 2024-07-20.

Selected bank jokes:

BREAKING: The Chancellor has announced that Cadbury's have just delivered a giant chocolate bar to The Bank of England...

It's a massive Boost for the economy!

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. So that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked
The president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland .'

A basketball player and a dwarf have robbed the local bank.

Police are looking high and low 🤪

I have branches, but no fruit, trunk or leaves. What am I?
Answer: A bank 🏦

More bank jokes...

DON'T leave more money in the bank than you can afford to lose. FINAL WARNING...

The bankers are ultimately the ones who always win these wars, because all wars are bankers wars.

if you rob a bank you're a criminal.

if the bank robs you its finance.

if everyone robs everyone its decentralized finance.

A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon.

Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"

Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper.

Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, and Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"

How do you cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Phone them and tell them you can’t come 😂

DON'T leave more money in the bank than you can afford to lose. FINAL WARNING...

Be your own bank.

Grow your own food.

Homeschool your own children.

If you diet, invest, and think according to what the "news" advocates, you'll end up nutritionally, financially, and morally bankrupt.

If you attempt to rob a bank, you will have no trouble with rent or bills for the next ten years, whether you are successful or not.

The best monetary policy is no monetary policy.

Individuals should have FULL authority to hold and exchange any form of money.

Politically connected bankers should have NO authority to destroy your wealth through inflationary schemes.

We now live in a nation where doctors destroy health, lawyers destroy justice, universities destroy knowledge, governments destroy freedom, the press destroys information, religion destroys morals, and our banks destroy the economy.

The trouble with counterfeiting banknotes is you can't make any real money.

There was just one employee at the bank today.

Must have been the lone officer.

Bir məktub gəlir. Üzərində yazılıb: 'Banka borunuzu ödəmədən öncə ağıl edin.' Adam məktubu oxuyanda fikirləşir: 'He, dəymiş mənim də borcum varmış banka, dünən də heç öz ağılımdan istifadə etməmişəm ki, həmin borcu verəyim.'

its really useful having a car...

...for keeping your bank account empty.

The Federal Reserve is a PRIVATE banking cartel disguised as a government system. Its real purpose is to steal wealth from the people.

The best way to rob a bank is to own one.

"If the people understood the banking system, there would be a revolution tomorrow."
~ Henry Ford

Cadbury's have just delivered a giant chocolate bar to The Bank of England.

It’s a massive Boost for the economy.

"I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies."
~ Thomas Jefferson

Trying to get a bank loan from Dubai. Heard they have really good EMIrates.

He: I can't get a job at any bank. Why?
She: I have no idea, Rob.

I was speaking to a guy who had just robbed a bank today. He said, "It was easy, I just walked through the door with a gun in my hand."

I said "Was it a revolver?"

"No, it was just a normal door." He replied.

A woman spent 35 years working for a bank. She was recently made
redundant and hasn't coped very well. She now spends her days
outside the branch using the ATM over and over again.
She's suffering from withdrawal symptoms.

Kamin's Fourth Law: Government inflation is always worse than statistics indicate: central bankers are biased toward inflation when the money unit is non-convertible, and without gold or silver backing.

Checkbook Balancer's Law: In matters of dispute, the bank's balance is always smaller than yours.

I saw this really cute girl at the bank. But she was flirting with some other guy. Really lowered my interest rate.

My business creating men’s shirts out of vegetables has gone bankrupt. There just weren’t enough guys wanting crop tops.

I saw an ad touting "less time traveling" as a benefit of online banking.
I don't think I can time travel any less than I do now.

I have only 50k in my bank account but without the potassium.

So an introvert goes into a bank and decides they need some money. Hesitantly, they walk to the counter. After the teller greets them they immediately respond with, "Hi, can you leave me a loan?"

An FBI agent was called in to speak to the manager of a bank that had been robbed three times in a row by the same guy.
He asked what kind of distinguishing things can you describe about this man? Height, weight, distinguishing tattoos, clothes?
The manager said, "what I noticed was that he seemed to be better dressed each time."

Why do politicians, bankers and mafia bosses like to play golf?
Because you can play that in handcuffs too.

Does a blood bank’s waiting room have a plasma TV?

I walked into a bank, pointed a long, thin piece of wood at the ceiling and shouted: This is a stick up!

If anyone wants to enrich their wealth, please get a copy of the new book on finance out on the market called "HOW TO MAKE MONEY FAST by ROBIN BANKS.

Two burglars are robbing a liquor store.
One turns to the other and asks, "Is this whiskey?"
The other replies, "Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank."

Having sex when your old is like trying to save money in a bank. You put it in, you take it out. Pretty soon you lose interest.

If you rob a bank, you can stop worrying about rent/food bills for several years – whether or not you get caught.

Just great!
…..The furnace is broken at my bank and my assets are frozen.

My brother's wife left him because he was bankrupted from gambling debts.
He's trying to win her back but I don't fancy his chances.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

To receptionist: "Hi, I like to see the doctor. I think I need glasses."
Receptionist: "You sure do. This is a bank."

I would go through many things for you. Let's start with your bank account

I'm thinking about dressing up as a Banker for Halloween this year..

I think it will gain a lot of interest.

I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I will be out of debt.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.

My bank called and told me I had an outstanding balance.
I replied: "Thanks, I used to do gymnastics" and then hung up.

A man, down on his luck, comes across a lamp while walking on the beach...
He gives the lamp a hard rub and out comes a genie.

Genie says "Master, I will fulfill any three wishes you have with one condition. Whatever you wish for, the man you hate the most will get double."

"What the hell? Have you any idea what John did to me? He stole my job, slept with my wife, and ran over my dog!!!" Complained the man.

Genie replies "Sorry, I don't make the rules. Do you want the wishes or not?"

"Fine." Said the man, "My first wish is to have ten billion dollars in my bank account."

"Done" The man immediately receives a call from his bank informing him of his new wealth. Somewhere in the world, John is overjoyed to see twenty billion dollars in his bank account.

"My second wish is to have a 12 inch penis."

"Done" The man looks down and sees his member has now almost doubled in size. Somewhere in the world, John is a little bothered by the fact that his penis now goes down below his knees.

"What is your last wish?" The genie asks.

The man replies "Remove one of my kidneys and show it to me."

A hockey player lost his job at the bank. His boss caught him cross-checking.

Dear God,
All I ask for in 2022 is a big, fat bank account and a slim body…
Please don’t mix these up like you did last year.

More bank jokes on the following pages...

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