HOTEL Jokes: Discover a World of Laughter for Travelers.

Why is pussy called the smallest hotel room in the world?
It's so small you have to leave your bags outside.

Innkeeper: "The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you make your own bed." Guest: "I'll make my own bed." Innkeeper: "Good. I'll get you some nails and wood."

Hotel manager: “I’m sorry sir, we don’t have a room vacant.” Guest: “Well look, if Prince Charles was coming, you’d have a room for him, wouldn’t you?” Hotel manager: “Well, yes sir, I suppose we would.” Guest: Well he’s not coming, so I’ll have his room”.

I just got done filming a porno in my hotel room.
You can find it on the net. It’s called “drunk guy jerks off in a hotel room and then cries”.

Do you know where eggs live before they are laid?
In a Chick inn.

In hotel rooms, I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz...

I just found out that hotels skip the 13th floor and go straight to 14.
I don't know about you, but to me, it sounds like they’re taking superstition to another level.

My girlfriend always says, “You treat this house like a hotel!”.

I'm going to have to mention in my Trip advisor review about ‘rude staff’.

Hostess: Can I take your name please?

Me: Wow that's extremely forward! But sure, let's get married.

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
"No thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all."

As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked.
"Yeah! That's a good idea," the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."

A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"
The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"

The person says, " Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."

Friend of mine works as a bellboy at the hotel, but used to be a lawyer. He kept losing the cases.

Not sure about this trendy hotel’s cafe. It fills me with uncertain tea.

Arrived at a hotel, said I was there for the Twitter conference. Concierge said “Follow me”…

Seven star hotels are overrated.

I had to leave the hotel earlier when two grand masters arrived and started talking about their best tournaments. I can’t stand chess nut boasting in an open foyer.

A chap checks into a hotel, and is asked if he wants a room with a shower or a bath. Wanting to save money, he asks “What’s the difference?”. The staff member replies, “You need to stand up in the shower”.

A man and his wife go on holiday and find a hotel for the night.
When they find one, the manager says they're welcome to stay there but it costs £100 each for the night.

That's a bit outside their budget so they politely turn it down and ask if there's anywhere cheaper in the area.

The manager says "Yes, in fact there is a hotel just up the road and it's only £25 each, but I'll warn you now, there have been many reports of the building being haunted".

The couple don't think anything of it and make their way to the cheaper hotel and when they get there they pay the £25 each and ask the manager about the reported hauntings.

The manager says "Ah that's a load of rubbish! I've been here 300 years and never seen anything!"

I was offered a job making beds in a hotel!
I had to turn them down..

A trucker walks into a hotel...
... and says to the receptionist... “ I’ve been on the road for a couple of days. Give me your dirtiest, messiest room, some overcooked spaghetti with burnt sauce and the ugliest hooker in town!”

The receptionist said: “ Well, we have a reputation to uphold at our establishment! We’ll give you a nice room, a good meal and a fine lady!”

The trucker replied:” Look, I’m not horny, I’m homesick!”

A Cherokee chief walks into a hotel lobby.
Hotel employee: “Sir, you have a reservation?”

The Native American facepalms: “Screw you, not this shit again.”

An American checks into a London hotel having had a bad day. He asks the receptionist where the elevator is.

He is told the “lift” is around the corner from reception.

The American says “It’s called AN ELEVATOR! WE INVENTED IT!”

The receptionist replies “Yes sir, but we invented the language and so it’s a lift.”

The sign in my hotel room said, "Not responsible for stolen items."
So I stole some stuff.

My 80 yr-old uncle was caught planting secret listening devices in a hotel room while wearing a clown costume.
What a silly old bugger.

My wife has a problem, she talks during sex.
Last week at midnight she called me from the hotel.

A man shuffles onto a crowded hotel elevator.
Since he couldn't press the floor button, he stated, "Ballroom please".

The lady next to him shuffles a little bit and replies "Sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

I tried to call the front desk of my hotel.
Needless to say, I couldn't get reception.

I went to a hotel to ask for a room and the lady at the counter told me that all the rooms were full. I told her my name was "Improvement".
And there's always a room for improvement.

A tipsy man staggered out of Melbourne Hotel and entered a taxi. "Take me to Melbourne Hotel," he told the cabbie. The cabbie was momentarily confused. They sat in silence for minutes. The cab never moved. Then the cabbie got out, opened the back door and told the guy: "Look. (Pointing)"
"The Melbourne Hotel." "How much for the fare?" "No charge," replied the cabbie. "Thanks. Next time, don't drive so fast!"

A man gets in the hotel elevator
He hears a voice say "going up" and looks around, weirded out that he can't see anyone nearby who would have said that. But when he chooses his floor, the voice says "door closing" and he realizes it was the elevator talking.

So, after his vacation has ended, he gets into the elevator with his suitcase. When he pressed the ground floor button, the elevator says "goodbye son". The man says "how can I be your son? You're just a machine." And the elevator says "I brought you up, didn't I?"

Every girl I’ve ever liked is just like a hotel....
They all came with a free turndown service.

What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.

Two ducks check into a hotel for their honeymoon. The we’re making out and the male duck said “I forgot to bring any condoms!” So he phones reception to see if they can help out. “Condoms? Of course sir. Should I put them on your bill?”...
“No way! If you did that I’d suffocate!”

What’s the difference between a motel and a hotel?
One got mo ho’s.

My phone was not working in the hotel room.
I had to go downstairs . They had reception there.

My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning.
That wasn't cool.

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess
So I took her to Paris.

We went to wonderful restaurants and stayed in an expensive hotel.

Then I crashed our car in a tunnel and she died.

I was staying in a hotel last night. Before I went to bed, I phoned down to reception.
“Hi, this is room 317. Can I have a wake-up call, please?”

The receptionist replied, “Yes. You’re fat, in your 40′s and given you’re staying in such a cheap hotel probably haven’t achieved much in your life.”

A hotel business owner tried to buy a building from another company.
But they wouldn't give inn.

A Chinese couple has finally made it to their hotel on their wedding night. She says, my love we are finally married. Anything you want tonight, just ask.

He says, how about a 69?

She says, you want beef with broccoli?!?!?!?!

There were two odd conferences at the same hotel at the same time. One was for camping, the other was for aquatic mammals. They were essentially, more or less, basically, virtually...
...for all in tents and porpoises.

We were at a hotel.
There was a knock on the door. When I answered it, the guy asked me "are you the guys who sing Kryptonite? " I said " no, they are 3 Doors Down."

A photon checks into a hotel...
The receptionist asks him if he needs help with any baggage.

"No thanks, I'm traveling light."

I spotted my ex in a hotel I was staying in. We ended up fucking in the elevator.
It was wrong on so many levels.

A Man in a Hotel has trouble finding his room. He goes down to the front desk and asks ' Sorry, can you tell me what room I'm in please? '
Certainly Sir, said the Receptionist...this is the Lobby.

A blonde was in a hotel
The waiter knocked on the door and asked if she wanted coffee in bed?
The blonde answered "Well, I would rather have it in a cup"

I like working in hotels that label the ground floor L for lobby.
If a guest has a complaint, I can tell them to go to L.

My cousin decided to try parkour, so he jumped off a single floor hotel. Anyway, to make a long story short
would've helped. Funeral's Thursday.

I called up a hotel and the receptionist answered 'Hello, Best Western'...
I replied 'True Grit, starring John Wayne.'

What did the two knights say when they got to the hotel?
We’d like a room for two nights please.

Jesus Christ walks into a hotel...
He goes up to the receptionist, hands her three nails and a hammer and asks “Can you put me up for the night?”

Four strangers have to share a room. But they get acquainted with each other, one of them cracks open a bottle of vodka and they start drinking and telling stories. One of them wants to sleep, but the others don't care about him and keep telling more and more raunchy stories and political jokes. So he gets an idea.

He goes down to the receptionist and asks the concierge to bring up tea for the four people in 15 minutes. He returns to his room, goes over to the lamp in the corner and says quite loudly "Comrade Major, could we please have some tea?" A few minutes later a knock on the door, the concierge comes with the tea and very rapidly the room goes quiet, and the man can finally get some sleep.

The next day, as he wakes up, nobody is in the room anymore. He goes down, asks where they went and gets the all-telling answer "You don't want to know"

"But ... but what about me?"

"Oh", the concierge says, "Comrade Major liked your tea prank a lot!"

Two blonde robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!" The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!" The first one screamed back,
"This is no time to be superstitious."

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a room on the 75th floor of a hotel.
When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but the elevator is broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sad stories. The three of them agreed that, to make it less boring, Al would tell the other two his funniest stories while they climbed from floors 1 to 25, Ben would tell his scariest stories from floors 26 to 50, and Carl would tell his saddest stories from floors 51 to 75.

They started to climb the stairs, and Al started to tell funny stories. By the time they reached the 25th floor, Ben and Carl were laughing hysterically.

Then Ben started to tell scary stories. By the time they reached the 50th floor, Al and Carl were hugging each other in fear.

Then Carl started to tell sad stories. "I'll tell my saddest story of all first," he said. "There once was a man named Carl who left his hotel room key in the car..."

A man was standing in a hotel elevator when his elbow brushed over a woman's breast. Apologetically, he said "If your heart is as soft as your breasts you'll forgive me".
The lady said, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room number 304".