Random hospital joke:


Doctor: "Your wife's in the hospital."
Me: "How is she?"
Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical."
Me: "Ah, you get used to that..."

HOSPITAL jokes collection.



Selected hospital jokes:


A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor
"We're getting granite counter tops."


I took a urine test at the hospital yesterday.
My kleptomania is out of control.


At a mental hospital :

Doctor: - What is this?

Mad man: - This is a book i wrote. It has a total of 500 pages.

Doctor:- You wrote 500 pages! Wow, what did you write?

Mad man:- On the first page i wrote 'One king rode on a horse and went towards the jungle'.
And on the last page i wrote 'The king reached the jungle'.

Doctor:- So what did you write in the remaining 498 pages?

Mad man:- I wrote;

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Doctor :- (stunned) And what's that?

Mad Man:- That's the sound of the horse running...The hooves digging the terrain.

Doctor:- And who will read your story?

Mad Man:- I will put it on Facebook plenty of nutters on there who will definitely read it..... One of them is reading it as we speak! 👋


Mad Mary was speedin around the mental hospital as usual in her wheelchair.
Mad Joe stopped her & asked 4 her licence.
"Shit" she said & sped off around another corner Mad Jim then stoppd her & asked 4 insurance.
"Fuck" she said & took off again at speed.
Rounding a corner she met BIG JOHN standin stark naked with a massive erection.
"Oh no" she said. "Not the breathalizer again!"



More hospital jokes...


My wife gave birth in our car on the way to the hospital.

I named him Carson.


Why are hallways in psychiatric hospitals called " hallways" ?

Shouldn't they be called psycho paths?


I took a urine test at the hospital yesterday.
My kleptomania is out of control.


Never date a married woman,

I will explain when I get discharged from the hospital.


I got kicked out of the hospital....

Apparently I misunderstood "Stroke Patients Here"


New research shows, men who masturbate when over the age of 60, risk ending up in hospital.
It only takes one stroke!


What do hospital gowns and insurance have in common?
You think you're covered, but you're not.


I finally found someone who sees something in me!
She runs the x-ray at the hospital.


Roemer's Law: The rate of hospital admissions responds to bed availability. If we insist on installing more beds, they will tend to get filled.


When I went to the hospital and they had me put on that “gown.”
I knew that the end was in sight.


A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from premature ejaculation. The doctors said it was touch and go.


My doctor left the hospital abruptly today to meet with the house contractor. He really needs to work on his bedside manor.


Was injured when a chandelier fell on me.
Went to the hospital with light injuries.


Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.


Im in hospital!
Dont Panic!
I ate what I thought was an onion, but it was a daffodill bulb!
Doctors reckon Ill be out in the Spring.


've just read yet another '30 places to go before you die' article that has neglected to include 'a hospital'.


I was carried to a hospital after falling into a well. I've had much support from well-wishers.


Doctor: "Your wife's in the hospital."
Me: "How is she?"
Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical."
Me: "Ah, you get used to that..."


Last night in the hospital, a beautiful nurse stepped on my oxygen tube.
She was breathtaking.


I accidentally swallowed a load of maggots while out fishing.......
Now I'm in hospital waiting with baited breath.


My wife bought me a 'Good Luck' bracelet with my initials on it before I went into hospital for some surgery.
I think there must have been a misprint at the manufacturers,
because my initials are 'RND' and this one said 'DNR'.


Medical insurance doesn’t cover everything. Neither do hospital gowns.


I lost my job at the hospital for stealing a neck brace but at least I can still hold my head up high.


Did you hear about the man who arrived at the hospital just after his wife gave birth to their first child?
He was declared Dad on arrival…


The Infectious Diseases ward of my local hospital has great wifi because of all the hot spots.


Wow, aren’t some animals amazing? Just passed a hospital, and a sign outside read ‘Guard dogs operate at this hospital’.


A friend of mind accidentally ate some daffodil bulbs.
The hospital said he’ll be out in the spring.


My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he’d be fine and it’d only take a few minutes.
Lying bastard never came out.


A lost man asked a stranger what's the fastest way to the hospital?
The stranger replied: close your eyes and cross the street.


My wife told me that when i visit her mother in hospital to take her flowers, i did that but i dont know what to do with these flowers now.


I ran into an old friend the other day . She is still in the hospital recovering.


A ham walked out of the hospital and said "I'm cured".


I really miss the people that were born together with me in the same hospital. We cried really hard that day.


Mad Mary was speedin around the mental hospital as usual in her wheelchair.
Mad Joe stopped her & asked 4 her licence.
"Shit" she said & sped off around another corner Mad Jim then stoppd her & asked 4 insurance.
"Fuck" she said & took off again at speed.
Rounding a corner she met BIG JOHN standin stark naked with a massive erection.
"Oh no" she said. "Not the breathalizer again!"


I left hospital absolutely shattered. Pulling the plug on my mother-in-law who lived with us for the past 15 years was the hardest thing I've ever done. I had to wrestle my wife, two doctors, a nurse and a security guy.


Me: Where are you babe?
Gf: I'm at the hospital.
Me: OMG, What happened?!
Gf: I'm a nurse...
Me: Oh....


My friend gave birth in her car on the way to the hospital and her husband named the kid Carson.


Once, my mate Dave got kicked out of a hospital. When I asked why, he said
Apparently "Stroke Patients Here" meant something else.


The hospital you were born in is the only building you left without entering.


—Hola, vengo a sacar mi licencia de conducir

—¡Pero esto es un hospital!

—Lo sé, es que lo tengo en el culo... Es una larga historia.


Q) Who’s the coolest person in a hospital?
A) The ultra sound guy.


I.m in hospital with food poisoning, its my own fault, l mistook a daffodil bulb for an onion, the doctors said I would be ok, l,l be out in the spring.


I was in a psychiatric hospital once, visiting. One of the patients recognized me:
“You're Charles Bukowski, aren't you?” he asked.
He read all my books. Maybe that's why he was there.


What’s the best way for a woman to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.


The Hilton = Hint: Hotel
The Hospital Ambulance = A Cab, I Hustle to Help Man
The Meaning of Life = The fine game of nil
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet


A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"

His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."

He asks, "Who's is it?"

His wife replies, "Yours!"


Just because you were born in poverty, it doesn't mean that you'll be poor forever.
I was born in a hospital, yet I'm not a doctor.


I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people.
Now I am at the hospital.


When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.


I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I'm now in hospital, waiting to be seen...




More hospital jokes on the following pages...