Hilarious Shopping Jokes !

I really want to buy one of those supermarket checkout dividers, but the lady behind the cash register keeps putting it back.

Black Friday is a scam. You should be mad they overcharge you 364 days a year.

Never do bedroom shopping while drunk
It can lead to one nightstand.

Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag?
Ones made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with, the other one carries your shopping.

Life tip: It's not a discount if you otherwise wouldn't have bought it.

24-hour shops only open once.

“This cashier is a dipshit.”

- Me at self checkout

My favourite type of lingerie is when it's on the floor...

Much to the annoyance of the store clerk.

What store do Storm Troopers shop at?

The store next to Target.

Girls don't actually shop...

We just walk around touching clothes saying "This is cute".

I always see more people walking into Walmart than out of Walmart... but the meat is cheap so I don't ask questions.

I misunderstood the meaning of “strip mall” and now I’m not allowed back.

Listless: The way most men go grocery shopping.

For those who know nothing about pleasing a woman:
The G-spot is located at the end of the word 'shopping'.

While at the grocery store, be careful not to knock over the cabbage display.

Heads will roll.

I bought some sexy crotchless panties in Victoria's Secret today.
"A surprise for the wife?" asked the cashier.
"Maybe" I replied, "It all depends on whether she catches me wearing them or not."

A man with 2 left feet goes into a shoe store and asks...
"Do you sell flop, flops?"

The grocery store has stopped selling tropical fruit! It's enough to make a mango crazy.

The shopping list is confusing.
Bacon, garlic, perfume, cigars, and flowers.
But it does make a lot of scents!

Redneck word of the day: Inhale.
Usage: Why inhale did I go to Walmart today?

So I went into a shoe shop today and asked to see a pair of loafers.
The salesperson brought down the general manager and the chief accountant.

Checkout cashier: “ Paper, or plastic?”
Me: “ Doesn’t matter, I’m bisacksual”….

What do people with a lot of time do in the shopping mall ?
- Fart around.

A leaf blower salesman tells a vacuum salesman, “Your job sucks.” The vacuum salesman promptly replies, “Well your job blows.”

I shot my first-ever turkey for Thanksgiving this year. Sure scared everyone in the grocery store, though.

I always see more people walking into Walmart than out of Walmart... but the meat is cheap so I don't ask questions.

The guy couldn't find anything to buy in the adult toy store no matter how hard he shopped.

I was in a car showroom today and the salesman said: "What are you looking for"? I said: "Because I can't afford to buy".

The shoe salesman showed me shoes with Velcro fasteners.
I asked "why Velcro?"
He replied "why knot ?"

I would NEVER flash my boobs at Target... that's what Walmart is for.

Just got back from the Antique Shop.
Nothing new there.

I went into an Apple store and farted. Everyone started glaring at me. I said: What? It’s not my fault you don’t have windows!

Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I just remind myself that I'm a "Valued Customer" at several grocery stores!!!

I saw a sign in the hardware store that said, "cast iron sinks."
I had to agree.

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on his face was priceless.

Behind every carefully written grocery list is a confused husband.

Out shopping and disappointed with the changing room in this shop. I’ve gone in to it five times now and it’s still the same.

I saw an old man collecting trolleys in the Supermarket today.

He must've been pushing 70.

Why do they call the shopping center the mall???
Because you don’t just go to one store you go to TheM all!!!!!

Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an “All the stuff you can microwave” aisle.

Any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn’t convenient at all.

The butcher tried to sell me some cured bacon today. I said "No way. I want bacon that was never sick in the first place."

Couple of friends went to a shop selling half price flat fish. Cheap skates.

Me: How much for the punk cantaloupe?

Cashier: That's a pineapple.

Yesterday my wife sent me to the grocery store for kosher pork tenderloin. I went to 4 grocery stores, and none of them even heard of it. Last week she sent me out for a quart of duck milk. I’m beginning to get suspicious.

I dunno about you but whenever I go to Dairy Queen, I always get the shakes.

What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesy credit card? Go on a shopping brie.

Just been stopped speeding in my wheelchair in Asda. Apparently I was going 90 aisles an hour.

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a total rip-off.

Did you hear about the explosion at the discount clothing store? There were casual-tees everywhere…

A Middle Eastern market is opening up in our neighborhood.
How bazaar is that?

Not to brag, but cashiers are always checking me out!!

I really want to buy one of those supermarket checkout dividers, but the lady behind the cash register keeps putting it back.

Me: Alexa, remind to go to the gym please?
Alexa: I've added gin to your shopping list.
Me: Close enough.