Beer Jokes: Quench Your Thirst for Laughter.

That's what's cool about working with computers. They don't argue, they remember everything, and they don't drink all your beer.

-- Paul Leary

Everyone in AA claims to be an alcoholic but i’m the only one that brought beer 🤨

I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat.

I normally have just one beer when I'm bored...
Yesterday I was bored 12 times..

Wise men drink wine...

Budweiser men drink beer

Nonalcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries, fills you up
but without the buzz.

There is a local beer company here in Utah called Polygamy Porter
Their motto is "Beer so good, why not have more than one"

Woltman's Law: Never program and drink beer at the same time.

Long's Notes:

Always store beer in a dark place.
Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then do it.
If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion.
It has long been known that one horse can run faster than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial.
A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.
Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
A generation which ignores history has no past -- and no future.
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
History does not record anywhere at any time a religion that has any rational basis. Religion is a crutch for people not strong enough to stand up to the unknown without help. But, like dandruff, most people do have a religion and spend time and money on it and seem to derive considerable pleasure from fiddling with it.
It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
Of all the strange "crimes" that human beings have legislated out of nothing, "blasphemy" is the most amazing -- with "obscenity" and "indecent exposure" fighting it out for second and third place.
It's better to copulate than never.
Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks.
It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
Never appeal to a man's "better nature". He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
Avoid making irrevocable decisions while tired or hungry.
An elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.
A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes. This may be the purpose of the universe.
Stupidity cannot be cured with money, or through education, or by legislation. Stupidity is not a sin; the victim can't help being stupid. But stupidity is the only universal capital crime; the sentence is death, there is no appeal, and execution is carried out automatically and without pity.
God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent. It says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks, please. Cash and in small bills.
Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she is not.
In a family argument, if it turns out you are right, apologize at once.
To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
Does history record any case in which the majority was right?
Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
Expertise in one field does not carry over into other fields. But experts often think so. The narrower their field of knowledge the more likely they are to think so.
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmills.
Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it's none of my business, but . . . " is to place a period after the word "but". Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about.
A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being "frank".
Natural laws have no pity.
You can go wrong by being too skeptical as readily as by being too trusting.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Climate is what we expect; weather is what we get.
Pessimist by policy, optimist by temperament -- it is possible to be both. How? By never taking an unnecessary chance and by minimizing risks you can't avoid. This permits you to play out the game happily, untroubled by the certainty of the outcome.
"I came, I saw, SHE conquered." (The original Latin seems to have been garbled.)
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
Don't try to have the last word. You might get it.

Jinny's Law: There is no such thing as a short beer. (As in, "I'm going to stop off at Joe's for a short beer before on the way home.")

Two unbiased estimators are sitting in a bar, having a few beers. The first one says, "How do you like being married?" The second one says, "It's okay, but you lose a degree of freedom!"
(statistics fun)

Me: “What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?”
My fiddle playing cousin: “A six pack of beer.”

Me: Why are you kicking me out of church???
Pastor: Because, for the LAST TIME, ‘drink beer and fuck’ is NOT one of the commandments!!

Alcohol free beer. Like going down on your sister. Tastes the same but it's not right

Last night I bought an alcoholic ginger beer.

He wasnt happy about it.

Drinking beer every day is healthier for you than being dead.

Me: You’d be proud, I made a to-do list and a grocery list.
Wife: This just says beer.

NEVER trust anyone who doesn’t buy pizza and beer after helping them move.

Bad sex is like bad pizza or bad beer...if you can actually finish it, it's not THAT bad.

I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she found me very attractive. I didn’t know if it was her or the beer talking.

Beer is good but beers are better.

If at first you don't succeed, buy her another beer!

I think that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar.
The first orders a pint of beer. The second half a pint, the third a quarter ad infinitum. The bartender just pours two pints and says "figure it out yourselves."

You know that beer holder on the wall in the shower?
My wife calls it a soap dish. You learn something new everyday!

Bake a cake with rum or beer and nobody reacts. Bake a cake with Laxative, and everyone loses their shit.

If the beer has coffee in it, it's breakfast. That's science.

Confucius say, sex on beach like American beer - fucking near water.

An older gentleman is sitting in a bar drinking and checking out the younger women at the establishment. As he drinks his beer, he notices a younger guy enter the bar, take a seat, and order a drink. Shortly thereafter, he walks over to a young lass, and whispers in her ear, She smiles and they leave together.

The next night, the older guy is there, and the same thing happens. Same guy enters, sits at the bar, orders a drink, and quickly finds another attractive young thing, whispers in her ear, and they leave together.

Next night, unbelievably, it happens again. So on the fourth night, the older guy finally stops the younger guy and asks, "Excuse me, but how are you doing that? I've seen you pick up 3 ladies in 3 nights". The younger guy replies, "It's easy, I just whisper 'Tickle your ass with a feather?'. If they say yes, then we leave. If they are offended, then I tell them I said 'Typically nasty weather'."

The older guy thanks the younger one and waits for his turn. Eventually a single lady plants herself at the bar. After a few minutes, the older guy goes over and shouts "Stick a feather in your ass?" The lady turns around and glares at him, "Excuse me?"

"Fucking rain."

How does a beer drinker see in the dark?
Miller lite.

what's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Carrots maybe good for your eyes but beer doubles your vision.

A man goes to a strip club with an alligator. He says, "I bet you that I can put my dick into this alligator's mouth for 1 minute, and when I take it out, it will not be damaged. If I succeed, all of you will buy me drinks. If I fail, I will buy all of you drinks." The other men agree and he puts his dick into the alligator's mouth for 1 minute. After 1 minute, he hits the alligator on the head with a beer bottle, and he opens his mouth. To everyone's surprise, his dick is unharmed. "Now, before you buy me drinks, does anybody else want to try?" After a while, someone in the back finally raises their hand. It's a woman. "I guess I can try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle."

I’m off for a quiet beer. Followed by fourteen noisy ones.

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are 2 bucks and deer nuts are under a buck.

Q: How does a boyfriend show he's planning for the future?
A: He buys an extra case of beer.

Q: What is the difference between a sofa and a boyfriend watching Monday Night Football?
A: The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

My friends are weird.
They keep vegetables in their beer crisper.

Q: Why can't you prosecute someone for stealing 23 cans of beer?
A: You won't have a case.

Sorry darling. Yes, I promised three beers and home by ten. I always get those mixed up.

Why did one beer take his beer friend to school?
To make a *Bud-wiser*

Bill and his father are out fishing and drinking beer.
All of a sudden Bill says, "Dad, I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over six months."
His father, silent for a moment, slowly takes a sip of his beer and says, "Son, you better think it over; women like that are hard to find."

This liquid diet crap is a scam.
I've been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I'm still fat.

A guy was walking through town when he saw a sign outside a pub, “Beer 5p a pint”. Thinking there must be some sort of catch, he went in and ordered a pint, sure enough he was charged 5p. Obviously he asked the barman what was going on. The barman said, “this pub was founded 80 years ago today, and in recognition we are selling beer at the price it was on the day we first opened. The guy was impressed. On looking around he saw a couple of old lads, clearly locals, sat at a table in the corner. Noticing their table was empty, the guy asked why the two senior citizens weren’t drinking. “Oh them”, the barman replied, “they’re waiting for happy hour.“

I went to see a psychic and she said: "There's something brewing."
I said: "Beer?"
She glared and snarled: "No, something very evil."
I replied: "Non-alcoholic beer?"

I told my wife how I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.

She unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer.

Saw my neighbor fill his canoe with vanilla ice cream and root beer.
Kinda strange but hey, whatever floats his boat.

Just tried kangaroo flavoured beer...

You can really taste the hops.

4 blokes walk into a London pub and order 4 pints of beer.
The Landlord is serving and says "That'll be 40 pence please".
30 minutes later they order another 4 pints of beer. Again, the round comes to 40 pence. They look at each other in disbelief. One chap pipes up and asks the landlord "Excuse me Sir, we've now bought 2 rounds of drinks and haven't even spent a pound yet. How do you sell it so cheap?"
"Well", the landlord said, "A few years ago I came into a lot of money by winning the lottery. I always promised myself that I would like to buy my own pub and pass on my good fortune to others, hence why beer is 10 pence a pint ".
"Oh,wow!" said one of the men. "But tell me, there's a group of men over there sat at the table who haven't bought anything since we've been here, what's up with them? "
"Oh them" said the landlord, "They're down from Scotland for the day and are waiting for Happy Hour half-price drinks ".

Two mates were going to share a bottle of beer.
The first bloke put it to is mouth and, in one go, drank the lot.
"What are you doing?" screamed the other bloke- you've drunk my share as well!"
"Sorry" said his mate: "It's not my fault - my half was at the bottom!"

Tide Pods: we have the dumbest consumers ever.
Gorilla Glue: hold my beer.

When I was younger I used to drink all different types of beer..but now I"m older Budweiser.

Why do breweries put beer in small metal containers?

Because they can.

I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.

They say carrots are good for your eyes but i find beer is better, it doubles your vision.

A man phones the customer service of a beer company.
Customer service: "Hello, what can I help you with today?"
Man: "There is something wrong with your beer, it made me blow chunks!"
Customer service: "Well ya, it'll do that."
Man: "No I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog!"

Women will never be equal to men...
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a beer.

Bartender says "Sorry we don't serve strings here."

He leaves, ties himself in a loop, messes up his hair and returns.

The bartender squints at him, "Hey aren't you a string?"

The string replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk? - Oh Harry, that would be lovely! - Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, *"Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of my wife!*”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, *"I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"*
She said, *"Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"*
John said, *"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife"*
*"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!"* Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, *"John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."*
She said, *"Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep.

What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much ?
A beer-a-cuda.

Q. Which rapper always gives away four cans of beer?
A. 2Pac.

An infinite number of mathematician walk into a bar. First one orders a beer. Second orders half a beer. Third one 1/3 of a beer. The bartender pours 2 beers and says. You got gotta know your limits 🤣

A cowboy walks into a bar...
He parked his horse outside and went in for a beer bottle. After finishing it up he goes to leave and his horse was stolen.

The guy walks in again, gun in the air, shoots the ceiling and shouts "you have until I finish up a second beer bottle to return my horse, or else I will have to do what I did in Texas, and I didn't like what I had to do."

He finishes his bottle and finds his horse right where it was. Before leaving, the bartender asks him "Excuse me sir, but what did you have to do in Texas?"

"I had to walk home"

I bought an alcoholic ginger beer.

He wasn’t pleased.

Life and beer are very similar .....chill for best results.

Boy: "I love you so much, I could never live without you."
Girl: "Is that you or the beer talking?"
Boy: "It's me talking to the beer."

Don't want your friends to come over and drink all your beer during the quarantine?
Just tell them you have a case of Corona.

How many beers does it take to get a tropical bird drunk?

Toucans.

A newly couple had only been married a few weeks..

The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to get out on the town and party with his buddies...

So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, ill be right back.”

”Where you going, coochy-coo..? asked the wife.

“Im going to the bar, pretty face, to have a beer.”

The wife says, “You want a beer, my love?” she opens the door to the frig and shows him 25 different brands of beers from 12 different countries. The husband didn't know what to do.

The only thing he could say was, “Yes, but at the bar..you know..they have...frozen mugs.”

didn’t get to finish the sentence. The wife interrupted him, saying, “do you want a frozen glass, puppy fac open the refrigerator and handed him a frozen solid mug.

The husband, looking a bit pale,said, “Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those special hors d’oeuvres they are really delicious... Won’t be too long... I’ll be right back I promise..Ok?

”You want hors d’oeuvres, poochie-poo?” She opened the oven and took out five dishes of different hors d’oeuvres; spicy chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, fried mushrooms, pork strips, cheese dip, the works..

”But sweetie, at the bar..you know.. The guys are cussing and swearing, cutie pie?”

Before he could finish, the wife replies, “You want cussing and swearing, cutie pie?”

”THEN LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FUCKIN BEER IN THIS GODDAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN’T GOING OUT WITH YOUR SHITHEAD FRIENDS ANYMORE! YOU GOT THAT, ASSHOLE????”

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."
"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started"

A man is lounging in his favorite chair, drinking a beer, while his wife is cutting the lawn.
A lady walking by sees this and yells at the man: "You should be hung!"
The man takes a drink of his beer, and says to the lady: "I am. That's why she's cutting the grass."

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around
with a fly swatter "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies", He
responded. "Oh.! Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he
replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He
responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone!

One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, “Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?” His grandpa replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?” “No”, said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, “Then you’re not old enough.” The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, “Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?” His grandpa replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?” “No” said Little Johhny. “Then you’re not old enough.” his grandpa replied. The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, “Can I have some of your cookies?” Little Johnny replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?” His grandpa replied, “It most certainly can!” Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself.

I just heard that Budweiser is suing Stella Artois for casting Sarah Jessica Parker in their Super Bowl LIII ad.
Apparently they have a trademark on beer advertisements starring a horse.

What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are two dollars, but deer nuts are under a buck.

I like my violence like I like my beer...
Domestic.

A man goes to a strip club with an alligator. He says, "I bet you that I can put my dick into this alligator's mouth for 1 minute, and when I take it out, it will not be damaged. If I succeed, all of you will buy me drinks. If I fail, I will buy all of you drinks." The other men agree and he puts his dick into the alligator's mouth for 1 minute. After 1 minute, he hits the alligator on the head with a beer bottle, and he opens his mouth. To everyone's surprise, his dick is unharmed. "Now, before you buy me drinks, does anybody else want to try?" After a while, someone in the back finally raises their hand. It's a woman. "I guess I can try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle."

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Do not let them take the temperature on your forehead as you enter the supermarket, because it erases your memory. I went for macaroni and cheese and came home with two cases of beer.