Hilarious Cooking Jokes for a Side Dish of Kitchen Humor.

I masturbated so good last night that when i woke up my clit was in the kitchen cooking breakfast.

A cook got fired for not cutting the vegetables a certain way.
Sorry, no dice.

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said, "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

Chinese chefs don't mind cooking out doors--but they hate wokkin' in the rain!

I just laugh stuff off cause prison doesn’t cook the food I like.

The restaurant offered me a job cooking hash browns but that's just small potatoes.

How to cook the correct amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need.
2. Wrong.

I thought it would be Tough cooking Chinese food outside, but actually it’s a “ WOK in The Park”

The cook took some carrots and made some grate things.

“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense, when you hear they consider saying 'that smells good' to be helping.”
— Jimmy Fallon

I don't use much seasoning in the kitchen.
You have to take my cooking skills with a grain of salt...

I’ve been banned from the Secret Cooking Society...
I kept spilling the beans.

I was watching an Australian cooking show and the audience applauded when the chef made a meringue. I was surprised.

Australians usually boo meringue...

My friend was cooking steaks today and said they cooked faster than expected. I told him "well done".

Chuck Norris can cook 2 minute noodles in...
1 minute!!!

Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire me to cook at their concert.

Went to the grocery store today. Had to pay for food and then prepare and cook it myself.
Zero stars. Would not recommend.

How do you make an Italian wine? Insult her cooking.

Waitress: How do you want your eggs?
Me: Poached.
Waitress: Sir, we only cook the eggs we rightly own.

Just had my first UFO experience!
Told the Missus, her cooking was terrible!

Flying saucers everywhere!

The Bangles are getting their own cooking show. Wok Like an Egyptian.

About to cook asparagus for the first time. Does anyone have any tips?

I was going to cook alligator for dinner, but realized that I only have a croc pot.

I was going to cook alligator for dinner but realized I only had a croc pot.

Must admit my wifes cooking is incredible...
With a silent ‘cr’.

Turns out when Cooking all I have in common with Gordon Ramsey is Bad Language!

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante...

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens.
"My hair & makeup are not done; the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."

Why is 4 o'clock in the morning the best time to cook sweet potatoes?
Because it is for a yam!

Got stopped by the police today, asked where I was going, I said to buy some oil, he said is it essential? I said no, cooking!

A cook got fired for not cutting the vegetables a certain way.
Sorry, no dice.

I like to cook with wine. Sometimes I put it in the food 🍷

Mother to daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

Old ranch owner John farmed a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his workers and sent an agent out to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.

“Well,” replied old John, “There’s my ranch hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90 percent of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,” says the agent.

“That would be me,” replied old rancher John.

The head cook was also a proud linguist. He boasted to his team that he'd finally figured out that champagne and sugar are the only words that sound like "sh" without starting with "sh".
The assistant hesitated for a moment then replied-
.
.
.
"Chef! Are you sure?"

My wife’s cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."
"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started"

A young Irish gay man decides it's time to come out to his mother
'I've got some news to tell you mammy. I'm gay'
'Really, son. Well that's a bit of a shock, but whatever makes you happy makes me happy. But can I ask you two questions?
'Er, okay.'
'Do you like that there cocksucking. Getting a big hairy cock in your mouth and sucking it like a lollipop?'
'Yeah, sometimes'
'And do you like that there rimming. Getting your tongue up into some other man's hairy arsehole and having a good rummage around?'
'Well, not every night, but I've done it a few times'
'Ah, well, thats fair enough son. Just don't ever complain about the taste of my fookin cooking again!'

I love cooking children and dogs...but I hate using commas.

Chinese chefs don't mind cooking out doors--but they hate wokkin' in the rain!

I think I need professional help.
A maid, butler, cook and chauffeur should do it.

A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!" "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - it's a Fucker fish"
Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.
"Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language please! This is God's house" replies the bishop. "No, no - that's what this fish is called" says the priest. "Oh" says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner".
So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called - a fucker" says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, the Pope is coming for dinner!"
The fish tastes just great and the Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says "You know what? You cunts are alright"

I just purchased a cook book, not available on Amazon.
It teaches how to cook books.

A blind man went to a restaurant.
"Menu sir?" Asked the owner.
"I'm blind. Just bring me one of your dirty forks.. I will smell it &
order."
The confused owner got a fork. The blind man smelt the fork with a deep breath. "Yes, I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables.
"Unbelievable!" thought the owner.
The blind man ate and left. 2 weeks later the blind man returned.
The owner, wanting to see how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking.
He said, "Do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part!", which she does!
He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it, puts it to his nose and says "Fuck me"..., I never knew Brenda worked here!"
Owner fainted.

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said, "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

I masturbated so good last night that when i woke up my clit was in the kitchen cooking breakfast.

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society......

I spilled the beans ! 😆

How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.