Boozy Banter: Unleash the Laughter with Alcohol Jokes & Puns.

Martinis are like nipples.

One is too few, and three are too many.

Behind every hangover, there's a promise of never drinkin again.

Life Coach: “After a hot bath, drink a glass of chardonnay.”

Client: “But I’ll never finish drinking the bath …”

I walked into the liquor store and a guy working there asked me, "Do you need help?"

I said, "Yes, but I'm here to get whiskey instead."

What do you call a 400 pound alcoholic?

A heavy drinker.

"Alcohol is the payday loan of pleasure."

I tried imagining a world without alcohol and now I need a drink.

What's whisky?

Wussian woulette.

My inner child keeps stealing my lunch money,
and spending it on booze and tacos.....little sod....

I'm no connoisseur, but Cardboarddeaux is not good wine.

NO ALCOHOL touching my lips this year ‼️

Imma use a straw.

There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.

Pre-drinking isn’t just fun, it’s being financially responsible.

Everyone in AA claims to be an alcoholic but i’m the only one that brought beer 🤨

How do you make a virgin mojito with rum?

You make a mojito and don't put your dick in it.

I don't have a drinking problem... I'm just really thirsty.

The definition of an alcoholic is anyone who drinks more than you do.

So, what kind of whiskey do dogs like?
Jack spaniel's!!

I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat.

FUN Fact: Vodka drinkers are less likely to suffer from a stroke.

I normally have just one beer when I'm bored...
Yesterday I was bored 12 times..

How do you look up alcohol? On Whiskeypedia.

Is it ok to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school?
Or am I really just a bad teacher?

“A man’s true character comes out when he’s drunk.”
— Charlie Chaplin

Never order, “One for the road.” The road’s already laid out.

Wise men drink wine...

Budweiser men drink beer

Don't just whine about your day when you can drink the wine instead.

Yes, wine does improve with age.
The older you get, the more you like it.

The price of petrol is so bad i put vodka in the lawn mower. Now my grass is half cut.

Found $80 in my pocket today. The kid in me said, "Buy Nerf guns and candy."

The adult in me said, "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy."

What do you call an alcoholic bra?

BRANDY.

I'm a good person, just not a good person to split a bottle of Rum with if you're a slow drinker...

Wife: You never listen to what I say.
Me : Thanks dear, on the rocks and some snacks please.

They say you should always eat before going to the grocery store, so you don't spend as much. That doesn't work with a liquor store.

How do the Irish cure a hangover?
With a funeral.

I'm a recovering alcoholic...
Recovering from a hangover.

What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?
Barf-a-lona.

Want to avoid hangovers?
Keep drinking forever. your liver and wallet will adjust.

What's the best way to avoid a hangover?
Stay Drunk!

What do you call a wine induced hangover?
A grape depression.

What’s the best thing for a hangover?
Drink heavily the night before.

I drank alot of alcohol at the airport last night.
I now have a terminal hangover.

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

Life is not a Fairy Tale.
If you lose your shoe at midnight
You Are Drunk.

Due to unforseen circumstances Johnny Walker and Jack Daniels could not be with us tonight.
But, they're with us in spirit.

Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine.

There’s nothing like a little tomato soup to sooth the soul . Even if it’s cold . Over ice.with a celery stalk . And vodka

My family said i should get help for my drinking, so i hired a bartender.

Last night I bought an alcoholic ginger beer.

He wasnt happy about it.

Two types of honest people in this world are small children and drunk people.

Drinking beer every day is healthier for you than being dead.

Me: You’d be proud, I made a to-do list and a grocery list.
Wife: This just says beer.

FUN Fact:
Applying vodka on your face cleanses the skin, tightens pores and can prevent acne breakouts.

Im not drunk.

- Everyone when they’re drunk

My favourite time of the day is anytime the liquor store isn’t closed.

I was in a liquor store and the owner asked me: Do you need help? I said: Yes, but I’ll have a bottle of whisky instead.

I told my wife that a husband ages like wine. We get better with age. Then she locked me in the cellar.

I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she found me very attractive. I didn’t know if it was her or the beer talking.

I keep failing the sobriety test. I guess I am not studying hard enough.

Beer is good but beers are better.

FUN Fact:
Drinking a banana milkshake can help cure a hangover.

What idiot called it the drinks aisle in the supermarket and not the alcho-hall?

I doubt Vodka is the answer.

Its worth a shot though.

Officer to drunk Guy : -How high are you?
- Drunk guy: No officer, its -Hi, How are you?

I only drink alcohol for medical reasons - because I'm sick of being sober.

Please be extra careful on the road these days.
A lot of men will be drinking and getting their wifes to drive.

I’ve joined a wine club. We meet every morning at 9am in the park.

If I cant get the cork out of my good whiskey does it mean I am too drunk to deserve it.

If you drink enough, your brain starts photoshopping people.

Q: What do you call a place where marijuana is legal, but alcohol isn’t?
A: High and dry.

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.

Top Five Reasons To Drink:

5. To celebrate
4. Socially
3. To forget
2. Because you can
1. Everything looks better when it’s blurry

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

I was so upset when my wife called me a hopeless drunk.

I thought that was the one thing I was really good at.

It’s important to stay hydrated but that doesn’t mean it’s ever OK to put ice in your whisky.

The danger of National Margarita Day is that it turns into National White People Dancing In Sombreros Night.

Alcohol doesnt make you fat, it makes you lean.......against tables, chairs and walls.

If alcohol isn’t the answer then obviously the wrong questions are being asked.

Any fruit salad can become sangria if you have wine in your purse.