Sip and Giggle: Indulge in our Wine Jokes Galore!

“Gratitude is the wine of the soul. Go on. Get drunk!”
— Rumi

I asked her, "Do you spit or swallow?"

She slapped me and stormed off!

Anyway, I don't recommend wine tastings as a first date, it really seems to bother some girls for some reason.

if you were a child when Red Red Wine was released...

... UB40ish now

In a parallel universe Jesus is turning wine into water. He is NOT popular.

Don't just whine about your day when you can drink the wine instead.

Yes, wine does improve with age.
The older you get, the more you like it.

What do you call a wine induced hangover?
A grape depression.

For the record, red wine and fish definitely don’t go well together.

In fact, mine died.

Medical fact: If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day it increases the chance of a stroke.

If you let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it as well.

Which wine pairs best with telling my coworkers to fuck off ?

Jesus: And now to turn this wine back into water! No, but seriously, where’s the restroom?

I’ve joined a wine club. We meet every morning at 9am in the park.

Me: This wine tastes like the world has ended and we are all living in a simulation to punish us for our evil ways.
Waiter: I'm so sorry sir, I'll bring you the wine menu over.
Me: No, bring me more. It has a nice chocolatey finish.

I'm planning my family holiday get-togethers, what wine pairs well with vigorous eye-rolling?

Any fruit salad can become sangria if you have wine in your purse.

Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.

My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath but I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.

If God turns water into wine why are so many Christians against alcohol?

I hear the wine industry is just crushing the grape industry!

My wife asked me why the bottle of wine we bought yesterday was half empty.

I said because she is a pessimist.

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size...

So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink!

I fear my wife is struggling with alcohol.

Yesterday she took 20 minutes to get a case of wine up the stairs.

A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking.”
Wife: “This is me, I’m talking to the wine”.

A Macaroni, a Penne and a Spaghetti were drinking wine in a bar one evening.

They saw a noodle sitting by himself and discussed inviting him to join them.

They all agreed he looked Cannelloni.

At this time of year I love sitting in front of a roaring fire, sipping mulled wine and listening to Christmas songs until I fall asleep...
Which is probably the reason I lost my job as a fireman!

Where does a ghost shop for alcohol?
At Total Wine and Spirits.

Q: When do women drink alcohol?
A: Wine O'Clock.

An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a general check-up.
The doctor was shocked to see his health and asked him:
'What is the secret of your good health ....?'
The old man answered:
— 'I get up before the sun rises and go out for cycling and then come and drink two glasses of wine!
Maybe this is the secret of my health. '
Doctor:
— 'Okay, but can I ask you how old was your father when he died ...?'
— 'My father died ...?
Who told you that he died???’
Doctor (surprised): —'You mean that you are 80 years old and your father is still alive ...? So how old is he now ....? '
— 'He is 102 years old and cycled with me this morning and then took two glasses of wine'
Doctor:
—‘This is very good. This means that the long life is in your family's genes.
So how old was your grandfather when he died….?’
—‘Hey why are you killing my grandfather now ...?'
Doctor (puzzled):
—'You mean that you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still alive very much!
What is his age .....? '
— 'Yes, he is 123 years old.'
—‘I think he too must have cycled with you this morning and taken wine too .....?'
Take a cold breath! —‘No, Grandpa could not go this morning,
because He is getting married today.’
Doctor (on the verge of going mad):
—‘What do you mean marriage .....? Why would he want to get married at the age of 123…?’
— 'Who said he wanted to get married ....? He had to be forced.’
— 'But why ........’ shouted the Doctor!!
— 'Girl is pregnant, that's why!'
The doctor has been cycling regularly and drinking wine ever since......
The clinic is closed.

Q: "What kind of wine goes best with laundry?"
A: "A dryer wine goes well..."

Anybody on here with knowledge regarding noisy dishwasher? I've tried flowers, chocolates and wine and she's still moaning.