Hilarious jokes about BREAKFAST that will make your day !

I masturbated so good last night that when i woke up my clit was in the kitchen cooking breakfast.

Mushrooms. The breakfast of champignons.

I wanted to make a chicken omelette for breakfast, but I couldn’t remember which ingredient came first…

An angry housewife met her husband at the front door and immediately noticed he smelled of alcohol and perfume.

"I assume," she said with her most acidic sarcasm, "That there must be a very good reason for your coming home at six o'clock in the morning with booze on your breath and another woman's perfume all over you."

"There is," he said. "I'd like breakfast."

I stole breakfast from the bakery on the way to work yesterday.
It was a piece of cake.

French people are so hardcore they eat pain for breakfast.

It’s very expensive to eat 3 times a day. Wake up later, miss breakfast, and save money.

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was eating breakfast.

What does a man with a 12 inch penis eat for breakfast?

This morning I had a boiled egg.

What does an electrician have for breakfast?

Ohm-lette.

Back in Soviet Russia, little Misha is being read to by his babysitter. She reads: 'In the USSR, kindegardens are filled with wonderful toys.'
Misha listens with bright eyes.
'In the USSR, every child has a brand new bicycle.'
Little Misha opens his eyes even wider.
'In the USSR, every child drinks hot cocoa for breakfast.'
Little Misha starts crying his eyes out, bawling:
'I want to go to the USSR!'

An angry housewife met her husband at the front door and immediately noticed he smelled of alcohol and perfume.

"I assume," she said with her most acidic sarcasm, "That there must be a very good reason for your coming home at six o'clock in the morning with booze on your breath and another woman's perfume all over you."

"There is," he said. "I'd like breakfast."

Capitalism has many problems but communism only has 3
- Breakfast
- Lunch
- Dinner

I wanted to make a chicken omelette for breakfast, but I couldn’t remember which ingredient came first…

I masturbated so good last night….when I woke up my clit was in the kitchen cookin breakfast.

During breakfast my wife told me that she's leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.

I nearly choked on my #brown.

Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

Welcome to parenthood, your kid will now sing songs like "poop there it is" while eating breakfast.

Apparently, making someone breakfast in bed is only romantic when they know who you are.

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

"I was in a play called breakfast in bed once". "Did you have a big role?" "No, just toast with a bit of butter".

I told my friend I’d buy him a full English breakfast as long as he kept his hands out of his trousers. He didn’t touch his sausage.

Mushrooms. The breakfast of champignons.

If the beer has coffee in it, it's breakfast. That's science.

When my wife woke up this morning she asked me what I was doing on the laptop
I told her I was looking for cheap flights
She gave me a kiss and cooked bacon & eggs for breakfast
I thought that was unusual as she's never shown any interest in me playing darts before

Donuts: An excuse to eat cake for breakfast.

I got up at 5am, ran 5 miles, and then ate a veggie smoothie for breakfast... I don't remember the rest of the nightmare.

Cost me a fortune yesterday... facebook was down and I had to ring 42 friends to tell them what I had for breakfast...

What do iPhones eat for breakfast?
Siri-al.

I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got
downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not
breathing!.
I panicked. I didn’t know what to do…………………
Then I remembered
Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.

I was having breakfast in a cafe this morning and two waitresses had a massive row over how long to leave a teabag in the cup and it got so bad it ended up in violence.
I asked the manager what had happened and he told me it had been brewing for ages.

Man goes into the doctor’s. Says “Doc, I have terrible constipation”.
Doctor says “what are you eating?” - man replies “well, snooker balls actually”.
Doctor says “tell me more”
Man explains “I start the day with a couple of red balls for breakfast, then I eat two whites and a yellow for lunch and normally for dinner I have a selection of blue, pink, brown and black balls”
Doctor says “I see what the problem is”
Man pleads “what is it Doc?”
“You’re not getting enough greens”

Up at 5am, 8km run completed, got home, prepared a vegetable smoothie for breakfast...
Don't remember the rest of the dream...

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

What did the tightrope walker eat for breakfast?
A balanced meal!

Went into the kitchen this morning, the wife was face-down and not breathing. I panicked and didn't know what to do...

Then I remembered that McDonald's do breakfast until 10.30!

What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Ice crispies....

An Irish couple, an English couple and a Scottish couple are having breakfast together in a hotel..
The English husband says "could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" to his wife.

The Scot follows suit, says to his wife "could you pass me the honey, honey?"

The Irishman then turns to his wife and says "could you pass me the milk you fucking cow?"

Why do the French only have one egg for breakfast?
Because un oeuf is un oeuf.

Sleep is time machine to breakfast.

Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.

Just watched the director's cut of a Rowan Atkinson spy film whilst eating breakfast. It was the full English.

When I had mushrooms with with breakfast..it was a breakfast of champignons.

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, Frank was the first to die and, true to his word, he made the first contact:

"Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"

"Is that you, Frank?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course" I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona ."

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest. After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?
''No,' she replies. She said ..... "You're just the first man who happened to catch my eye."

girlfriend says- "if my left leg was breakfast & my right lunch, which would you prefer"
boyfriend replies "eating between meals".

"There is no order in the world around us, we must adapt ourselves to the requirements of chaos instead.”

- Kurt Vonnegut, Breakfast of Champions

What are two things you can't have for breakfast....?..lunch and dinner.

I'm having frozen eggs for breakfast. They’re hard to beat.

Went into the kitchen this morning, the wife was face-down and not breathing. I panicked and didn't know what to do. Then I remembered that McDonald's do breakfast until 11.00 am.

Why do you get served only one egg for breakfast in France?
Because, in France, an egg is un oeuf.

I masturbated so good last night that when i woke up my clit was in the kitchen cooking breakfast.

Two elderly gentlemen, Sam and Harry, were having breakfast. Sam said to Harry, "Harry, why do you have a suppository in your ear?" Harry took the suppository out, looked it over and said, "Sam, I'm really glad you saw this thing, now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

Four guys were at a campsite. They had to bunk two to a room but no one wanted to share with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept in the same cabin as Daryl, and came to breakfast the next morning with messy hair and bloodshot eyes. The other two said: “Man, what happened to you?”
“Daryl snored so loudly,” he replied. “I just sat up and watched him all night”.
The next night, it was the second guy’s turn. In the morning the same thing happened, he appeared hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
The other two said: “Man what happened to you? You look awful!”
He said: “Man that Daryl shakes the roof. I couldn’t do anything but sit up and watch him all night”.
The third night was Rich’s turn. Rich was a big burly ex-football player, a man’s man.
The next morning he came to breakfast, bright-eyed and bushy tailed. “Good morning,” he said. The other two couldn’t believe it-he looked rested and wide awake.
They asked: “Man, what happened?”
He said: “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night.” 😁