Hilarious coffee and coffeeshop jokes !

Where did Nikolai Romanov get his coffee?
Tsarbucks.

What’s the technical name for a pot of coffee at work?
Break fluid.

Coffee just tastes better when everyone finally leave you alone.

Drinking coffee may reduce the chances of getting Alzheimer’s
Never heard that one before.

How does Ace Ventura respond to people who don't like coffee?

All right, tea then!

Cold coffee is disgusting, unless it’s intentionally cold then it’s delicious.

What kind of coffee does the Godfather drink?

An alpuccino.

I like my men like I like my coffee. Hot and in the palm of hands.

I'm not saying I drink too much caffeine, but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death....

Sure I drink eight glasses of water a day
(after they've been run through some coffee grounds and filtered).

It’s a challenge sometimes making coffee before you’ve had coffee.

I brew my coffee strong enough that it will show up in a drug test.

So funny how Starbucks gets customers' names wrong. I told them my name is Karanbir and they wrote "Osama" on the cup.

I brought my gf coffee in bed this morning. She got excited, hot and wet.

Yeah, I spilled it on her..

A latte is really just an excuse for adults to order warm milk without sounding like a baby.

I drink enough coffee to solve all my current problems and create many exciting new ones.

I like my coffee like I like my men,
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away.

My body is just a filter... coffee comes in -
sarcasm goes out.

Nothing beats a cup of coffee and a biscuit... well apart from eight lagers and a shag.

My wife keeps refusing to clean out the coffee percolator. Is that grounds for divorce?

Man wakes wife up and asks, Would u like a coffee or would u prefer sex?
Wife replies, I'm not fussed either way, its gonna be instant.

The coffee shop worker was fired from his job for wearing a Tea Shirt.

Some coffee comes too oily, and I prefer it comes latte.

Where do birds meet for coffee?
Nest-cafe.

“Engineers: they turn coffee into buildings.”
—Unknown

I just got my new credit card and all I can buy with it is coffee.
Its an American Espresso card..

Maxwell House Now grows cannabis
It’s called Coffee Pot.

My mate asked me: "Why do you keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge?"
I said: "It's in case someone wants a black coffee.

My Dad claims that I interject coffee puns into every conversation. I asked, “On what grounds can you make that assertion?”

The only thing worse than no coffee is bad coffee.

Coffee because murder is exhausting.

Me: Not before I've had my coffee.

Them: But you don't drink coffee.

Me: Exactly.

Im about to have a cup of dangerous coffee.
Safe tea first though.

- I like coffee.
- So I’m guessing you have a Nespresso?
- No. I said I like coffee.

I’ve been watering my herbs with leftover coffee. I love coffee thyme.

As I sat drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, I thought to myself... I really need to buy some mugs.

Coffee is the answer.. I do not care about the question.

I'm in a great place right now.

Maybe not emotionally, financially, mentally or physically, but there is coffee at this place.

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

My lawyer: Objection! My client has chosen to exercise his fifth amendment rights and therefore does not have to answer your question

Barista: Does he want the caramel macchiato or not?

Today accidentally I put a tea bag and a spoon full of coffee into the same cup .
Ended up with Toffee.

I'm having some hot sex today.
And by sex I mean coffee....
It's still hot.

Coffee just tastes better when everyone finally leave you alone.

In the mornings I like dick like I like my coffee. Hard.

What kind of coffee were they serving on the Titanic when it struck the iceberg?
Sanka.

Coffee.

Because sarcasm needs to stay hydrated.

Okay, so...I just got kicked out of another coffee shop... it had a sign that read... "No WIFI - Pretend it's the Old Days!"... so I lit up a smoke and paid 50 cents for my coffee...

I tried to work at Starbucks once,
but I got tired of the
Daily Grind!

Coffee….because life is a bitch.

I don't have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem WITHOUT caffeine.

I walked in to the kitchen and said to my wife, "Is that coffee I smell?".
She replied "It is and you do!".

-I will not pay the bill!
-Why not? You ordered 42 coffee
-I said 4 tea, 2 coffee.

If the beer has coffee in it, it's breakfast. That's science.

I hear there’s some guy going around and stealing Red Bull and coffee from the poor. I don’t know how he can sleep at night.