Hilarious jokes about LUNCH that will make your day !

Schwartz, an elderly man, is resting peacefully on the porch of his small hotel outside Boca when he sees a cloud of dust up the road. He walks out to see who could be approaching: It is a Southern farmer with a wagon.
“Good afternoon,” says Schwartz.
“Afternoon,” says the farmer.
“Where you headed?” asks Schwartz.
“Town.”
“What do you have in the wagon?”
“Manure.”
“Manure, eh? What do you do with it?”
“I spread it over the fruit.”
“Well,” says Bernstein, “you should come over here for lunch someday. We use sour cream.”

The best part of working from home is, at lunch, you get to cry in your own bathroom.

I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.

Where do bras get lunch?
At a breastaurant.

How does an Englishman invite a dinosaur for lunch?

Tea, Rex?

Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist.
Boy, am I’m stuffed.

Interviewer: So what did you like most about your old job?

Me: Mostly lunch breaks.

At this point lunch and leaving are the only two good things about my job.

My inner child keeps stealing my lunch money,
and spending it on booze and tacos.....little sod....

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.

The stripper made her son lunch for school today.
It was hoe made.

Ubell's Law of Press Luncheons: At any public relations luncheon, the quality of the food is inversely related to the quality of the information.

Kelly's Law: An executive will always return to work from lunch early if no one takes him.

Rule of the Great: When someone you greatly admire and respect appears to be thinking deep thoughts, they are probably thinking about lunch.

Mark Miller's Exception to Crane's Law: There are no "free lunches", but sometimes it costs more to collect money than to give away food.

Crane's Law (Friedman's Reiteration): There ain't no such thing as a free lunch. ("tanstaafl")

Committee Rules:

Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
Commoner's Three Laws of Ecology:
No action is without side-effects.
Nothing ever goes away.
There is no free lunch.

Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.

Capitalism, Communism, and Socialism have a meeting for afternoon tea.
Communism collapses on the way there and dies from malnutrition. Socialism is so late from collecting welfare to buy the tea that he decides to go home. However, Capitalism - seeing that neither of the two showed up - buys his own tea, finishes his lunch break, and goes back to work.

Capitalism has many problems but communism only has 3
- Breakfast
- Lunch
- Dinner

Did you hear the one about having lunch in a socialist state?
Sorry, you wouldn't get it.

I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.

The best part of working from home is, at lunch, you get to cry in your own bathroom.

What do donkeys on Blackpool beach get for lunch !!!!!
Half an hour like everyone else...

A group of secretaries was having lunch when the new vice president walked by. One of the ladies mentioned, "My, Mr. Lawson sure dresses nicely."
One of the younger women added, "And fast too."

A pharmacist comes back from lunch break and as he approaches the pharmacy, he sees a man outside the pharmacy clutching onto a pole for dear life, barely breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle, just standing there, frozen. The pharmacist goes up to his assistant and asks: "What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier with a cough?"Yes he was." Replies the assistant. "He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help." "Well, he seems to be fine now." "Sure he does. I gave him a box of laxatives. Now he won't dare cough!"

I had lunch at the Time Travel Buffet and went back four seconds.

What did the Dalmatian say after lunch?
That hit the spot!

Q: Whats the differance between a roast beef sandwich and a blow job?
A: You don't know? soooo...you wanna do lunch tomorrow?

Where do bras get lunch?
At a breastaurant.

A scientist and his apprentice go out for lunch, when asked what they want to drink the scientist says 'H2O please.'.
The apprentice agrees and says ' I'll have H2O too.'
Then sadly, the apprentice died.

Young boy sat in class scratchin his crotch.
Teacher asked him what's wrong.
Embarrased, he said he'd just been circumcised & was really itchy. !
Teacher told him to go and phone his mum for advice.
He comes back with his cock hangin out!
Teacher asks "what on earth are you doing"?
"Well miss, mum said if I could stick it out til lunchtime she'd come & get me.

If u don't take your woman out, someone else will. Ask Adam, He left Eve alone for 10 mins & the snake took her out for lunch she even brought takeaway for Adam.

Schwartz, an elderly man, is resting peacefully on the porch of his small hotel outside Boca when he sees a cloud of dust up the road. He walks out to see who could be approaching: It is a Southern farmer with a wagon.
“Good afternoon,” says Schwartz.
“Afternoon,” says the farmer.
“Where you headed?” asks Schwartz.
“Town.”
“What do you have in the wagon?”
“Manure.”
“Manure, eh? What do you do with it?”
“I spread it over the fruit.”
“Well,” says Bernstein, “you should come over here for lunch someday. We use sour cream.”

What does a donkey get for lunch at Blackpool?
Half an hour.

I had Victoria Sponge for lunch yesterday.
None of the other Spice Girls had anything in their lunch boxes worth stealing.

I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.

Two lawyers walk into a restaurant.
They put their briefcases on the floor and order two coffees. They get their coffee and pull out lunches from their briefcases.

"Sorry," the waitress says, "You can`t eat your own food here."

The lawyers look at one another, shrug their shoulders and swap sandwiches.

Friends buy you lunch. Best friends eat your lunch.

When the cannibal was late for lunch they gave him the cold shoulder.

Man goes into the doctor’s. Says “Doc, I have terrible constipation”.
Doctor says “what are you eating?” - man replies “well, snooker balls actually”.
Doctor says “tell me more”
Man explains “I start the day with a couple of red balls for breakfast, then I eat two whites and a yellow for lunch and normally for dinner I have a selection of blue, pink, brown and black balls”
Doctor says “I see what the problem is”
Man pleads “what is it Doc?”
“You’re not getting enough greens”

what do bees eat for lunch? hum burgers.

Dad: Here’s a burger for lunch.
Vegetarian: Oh no, thanks I’m a vegetarian.
Dad: It okay this burger is plant based.
Vegetarian: Really! What plant is it from?
Dad: It originates from the meat packers plant.

I had a Shepherd's pie for lunch today. He wasn't happy.

What do we want?

A cure for obesity !

When do we want it ?

After lunch ....!

When I was little, my mum used to always give me alphabetti spaghetti for my lunch..

She insisted that I told everyone that I really loved it.

I didn't ... she was just putting words in my mouth.

Someone asked me during lunch, "what subjects do we have later?"
I replied, "literature, and the rest... is history!"

What's the best part of having sex with a milf?
Leaving with a juice box and bagged lunch in the morning!

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, Frank was the first to die and, true to his word, he made the first contact:

"Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"

"Is that you, Frank?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course" I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona ."

A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said,
"I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting.

girlfriend says- "if my left leg was breakfast & my right lunch, which would you prefer"
boyfriend replies "eating between meals".

The boy that used to bully me at school is still taking my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

Saw an old lady at lunchtime with a broomstick and a pointy hat stood on the beach. Think it was a ‘sandwitch!’

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."