Boozy Banter: Unleash the Laughter with Alcohol Jokes & Puns.

I don’t just drink to drown my sorrows, I’ll drink enough for yours too.

The drunk man offered no resistance when police arrested him.

He turned out to be ohm-less.

Me: “Its not how many times you fall down that matters. Its that you get back up again.”

Police officer: “ I’m afraid that’s not how the Field Sobriety Test works.”

They say football is a game of two halves. My mate Dave can get through about seven pints during a match.

Its no longer called boxed wine, the classy term is Cardboardeaux.

How does a computer get drunk?
It takes screen "shots".

You know that beer holder on the wall in the shower?
My wife calls it a soap dish. You learn something new everyday!

Why don't the Seven Dwarves drink ?
Because they're all miners.

Drunk is when you feel sophisticated... but can’t pronounce it.

Don' t drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.

I always take life with a grain of salt. And a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

What’s Robin Hood’s favourite type of alcohol? Cider. Because he’s got a really strong bow.

My alcoholic wife went to see the Blacksmith.
Unfortunately, she was hammered!

How does a beer drinker see in the dark?
Miller lite.

You say hangover, I say out of booze.

Carrots maybe good for your eyes but beer doubles your vision.

Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.

I’m off for a quiet beer. Followed by fourteen noisy ones.

Why has water been banned by Alcoholics Anonymous?
Because it’s always drunk!

WINE 🍷 it's the definite proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy!!!

My grandads answer to everything was alcohol......
He didn't drink, he was just terrible at quizzes

What's the Pet Shop Boys' favourite drink?

It's a Gin.

I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test.......same thing.

Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary . However, I looked it up on whiskeypedia, and learned if you drink too much, it's likely tequilya .

My friends are weird.
They keep vegetables in their beer crisper.

"Just one more drink and then I'm outta here," is one of my favorite lies.

Sorry darling. Yes, I promised three beers and home by ten. I always get those mixed up.

I can’t stand being drunk.
So I usually remain seated.

I absolutely HATE Underaged Drinking!!!
A good Scotch should be at least 20 years old!!!

Them: "Who's skull is that?"
Me: (raising it to my lips to take a drink) "A guy named Philip".
Them: "What's in it?"
Me: "Vodka and orange juice".
Them:
Me: "It's a Philip's head screw driver".

What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 8 pints.

They argued for hours over which was better: Irish whiskey or scotch. It was a very spirited debate.

This tape doesn’t even taste like Scotch.

I went to see a psychic and she said: "There's something brewing."
I said: "Beer?"
She glared and snarled: "No, something very evil."
I replied: "Non-alcoholic beer?"

Took my son out for his first pint today.
Got him a Fosters. He didn't like it so I had it.
Got him a Carlsberg. He didn't like that either, so I had that as well.
Same was with the Cider and Guinness...
By the time we got to the whiskey, I could hardly push the pram!

Wife: "Honey, I'm going to the store, do you want anything?"
Husband: "I want a sense of meaning and purpose in my life. I want to connect with my inner self."
Wife: "Be specific. Johnny Walker or Jack Daniels?"

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies? I'm like that with Vodka!

My wife asked me why the bottle of wine we bought yesterday was half empty.

I said because she is a pessimist.

Just tried kangaroo flavoured beer...

You can really taste the hops.

As I was getting in bed, she said, "you’re drunk."

I said, "How do you know?"

She said, "You live next door."

You know you're drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on.

Doctor: and when's the last time you drank alcohol?

Me: what day is it?

Doctor: Thursday

Me: today

I was in a pub when a young man sat down on the stool next to me and started crying.
"What's the matter?", I asked.
"21 today", he replied.
"In that case have a drink with me on this special day" I said hoping to cheer him up.
I bought him a pint and he downed it in one go.
"22 today" , he said....

How do you make Budweiser?
Send him to school!

Two mates were going to share a bottle of beer.
The first bloke put it to is mouth and, in one go, drank the lot.
"What are you doing?" screamed the other bloke- you've drunk my share as well!"
"Sorry" said his mate: "It's not my fault - my half was at the bottom!"

I’m not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday and when it’s not my birthday.

Made myself a cocktail....
It was a stirring experience...

Be the reason someone smiles today.
Or the reason they drink.
You choose your own adventure.

There's one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk.

Up.

When I was younger I used to drink all different types of beer..but now I"m older Budweiser.

Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn't seen me drunk.

Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.

Why do breweries put beer in small metal containers?

Because they can.

I've cut down on my drinking, and now only have one whisky before going to bed...

Last night I went to bed eight times!

I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.

Listen, if drunk me said or did something, you gotta take it up with drunk me.

Don’t come at sober me because we weren’t there. We don’t know what happened...

They say carrots are good for your eyes but i find beer is better, it doubles your vision.

Not to get technical...
But according to science, Alcohol is a solution.

Some wines get better with the years. 2020 was a year that got better with wine...

I like to cook with wine. Sometimes I put it in the food 🍷

I strongly recommend you try a bottle of Justin wine, it's really, really good. Actually you should buy 12 bottles... Justin case.

I fear my wife is struggling with alcohol.

Yesterday she took 20 minutes to get a case of wine up the stairs.

A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"

"For drinking." replies the cop.

"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"

How much should you spend on a bottle of wine?
I don't know. Half an hour?

Two drunk guys were fighting. One of them drew a line in the dirt, and said if the other crossed it they would punch them in the face.

That was the punchline.

I hate it when you're making your way home drunk, just minding your own business, and someone steps on your fingers.

I asked my boss,
"Can we talk? I have a problem."
She said,
"Problem? There is no such thing.
We call it an opportunity".
So I said,
"Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."

I ruined my health by drinking to everyone else's.

When I was a baby my parents used to bath me in cheap Australian lager. It wasn’t until I was 18 that I realised I’d been fostered.

I bought an alcoholic ginger beer.

He wasn’t pleased.

Life and beer are very similar .....chill for best results.

Alcohol doesn't turn people into somebody they're not.
It just makes them forget to hide that part of themselves.

Hear about the wall that went out on the town for its birthday?...
Got plastered...

Mayan: Hey wanna drink?
Other Mayan: I'm working on this calendar, but I guess if I don't finish it won't be the end of the world.

Boy: "I love you so much, I could never live without you."
Girl: "Is that you or the beer talking?"
Boy: "It's me talking to the beer."

Q: What do you call a man with a shot of whiskey on his head?
A: A taxi. Clearly, he's had too much liquor and is being a nuisance.

Q: When do women drink alcohol?
A: Wine O'Clock.

Q: Why does Corona go through your system so fast?
A: Because it does not have to stop to change color.

Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of Miller Lite instead of one.

Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a bottle of Jack Daniels?
A: A guy will actually SEARCH for a bottle of Jack Daniels.