Savor the Flavor of Restaurant Jokes: A Recipe for Laughter.

I was having breakfast in a cafe this morning and two waitresses had a massive row over how long to leave a teabag in the cup and it got so bad it ended up in violence.
I asked the manager what had happened and he told me it had been brewing for ages.

Customer: “Waiter, taste this soup”.
Waiter: “Why sir, what’s wrong with it?”
Customer: “Just taste it will you?”
Water: “ Sir, if there is something wrong with the soup we will happily replace it for you”.
Customer: “Look, just taste the bloody soup!”
Waiter: “OK sir, (pause), um, where’s the spoon?”
Customer: “Ah Ha”.

So I said to the waitress: "What’s the duck like?”
She said "Like a chicken, but it can swim”.

Try this... When leaving a fancy restaurant tell the people coming in "I recommend you try the donkey, snail or the squirrel".

Most married couples would rather eat a good meal at a restaurant than have sex.
Because it might disturb the people at the other tables.

A fat man goes into a fast food restaurant and orders his food. The cashier says that it will be a minute or two for his food. Finally his food is ready. The cashier hands the food to the fat guy and tells him,
"Sorry about your weight."

What’s the difference between a restaurant and a glory hole?
With glory holes you don’t always have to give the tip.

A vegan enters a restaurant and asks the waiter for advice what to order.
"A taxi."

My local Japanese restaurant is keeping up on the trends.
They now serve rawomen.

A duck, a skunk & a deer went out to dinner at a restaurant one night.
When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck, so they put the meal on the duck's bill.

A bird walks into a restaurant, order and gets a bowl of soup.
After a minute, the bird angrily calls the waiter :

- Waiter! There is no fly in my soup!

A man walks into an elegant restaurant and sits down.
As he bends down to get his wallet he farts loudly with the waitress right behind her. He sits up shamefully and looks for a way to escape the total embarrassment. So he looks at the waitress and shouts, 'Stop that!'. The waitress replies calmly, 'Sure Mister, which way did it go?'

A Russian, a Texan, and a New Yorker walk into a restaurant in France
The hostess says “excuse me, due to a Mad Cow Disease there is a shortage of steak so we currently don’t have any.”

The Texan says “What’s a shortage?”

The Russian says “What’s a steak

The New Yorker says “What’s excuse me?”

I want to open a restaurant that fuses Chinese and Middle Eastern cuisine
I call it "Wok like an Egyptian".

How is a chess player like an Australian who's about to leave a restaurant?
They're both looking for a checkmate.

I visited a cannibal restaurant during my time in the South Pacific.
On the menu I saw there was missionary soup for $5. Below it was politician soup for $1000.

So I asked the waiter, "why's the politician soup so expensive?"

And he said to me "you ever tried to clean one of the bastards?"

Going to a restaurant to eat salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order Chicken Surprise
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ahh so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."

What do vegans get at a barbecue restaurant?
Kicked out.

A very well dressed (tailored suit, silk tie, bespoke shoes etc) elegant older customer ordered the very best on the menu resulting in a very large tab.
At the end of the meal he was presented with the bill.
He said to the server, “I don’t know if you remember, but many years ago I was a bit down on my luck, but I had a meal here and when it came to pay, I couldn’t, and you publicly humiliated me by getting security to march me through the restaurant and throw me out on the street.”
The server blushed and apologised most profusely.
The customer replied, “Don’t worry old man. I’m just so sorry I’m going to have to ask you to do it again…”

I just went to a restaurant and all of my food was still fucking frozen solid. I asked the owner and he said that’s just how the product comes in.
10/10 ice cream shop would recommend again.

Two lawyers walk into a restaurant.
They put their briefcases on the floor and order two coffees. They get their coffee and pull out lunches from their briefcases.

"Sorry," the waitress says, "You can`t eat your own food here."

The lawyers look at one another, shrug their shoulders and swap sandwiches.

A teddy bear sits down at a restaurant
The waiter asks, “Would you like anything?” The bear responds, “No, I’m stuffed.”

Went to dinner last night at a restaurant, and there was a fly in my soup.
I wouldn't have normally minded, but the zipper broke my tooth.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time"
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

A restaurant has a challenge: "We will give $500 to any customer whose order we can not fill"
One day, a man sees this sign and decides to take them up on it. So when gets seated, he tells the waitress that he wants an elephant testicle on rye bread.

She dutifully takes his order back to the kitchen. A few seconds later he could hear all hell breaking loose in the kitchen: there's people shouting, swearing, pots and pans banging. A few minutes later, the manager comes out with $500 in hand.

"You really got us," he says, "this is the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread."

I used to visit a casino, until I found out their top floor restaurant served beef.
That meant the steaks were just too high for me.

Did you hear about the new Italian restaurant that just opened in the afterlife?
It's called Pasta Way.

I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no.
Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating…
She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"
One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry."
The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"
One of the other businessmen replies, "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"