Hilarious jokes about HOSPITAL that will make your day !

When I went to the hospital and they had me put on that “gown.”
I knew that the end was in sight.

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, I have to take your temperature.
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer. This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.....
After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room. What's going on here? asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?
After a pause, the doctor confessed..... Not with a Daffodil.

My wife bought me a 'Good Luck' bracelet with my initials on it before I went into hospital for some surgery.
I think there must have been a misprint at the manufacturers,
because my initials are 'RND' and this one said 'DNR'.

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up? "

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
"I thought yousaid I had another 43 years.
Why didn't you pull me fromout of the path of the ambulance?"



God replied:

"I didn't recognize you!"

My wife gave birth in our car on the way to the hospital.

I named him Carson.

Why are hallways in psychiatric hospitals called " hallways" ?

Shouldn't they be called psycho paths?

I took a urine test at the hospital yesterday.
My kleptomania is out of control.

Never date a married woman,

I will explain when I get discharged from the hospital.

I got kicked out of the hospital....

Apparently I misunderstood "Stroke Patients Here"

New research shows, men who masturbate when over the age of 60, risk ending up in hospital.
It only takes one stroke!

What do hospital gowns and insurance have in common?
You think you're covered, but you're not.

I finally found someone who sees something in me!
She runs the x-ray at the hospital.

Roemer's Law: The rate of hospital admissions responds to bed availability. If we insist on installing more beds, they will tend to get filled.

When I went to the hospital and they had me put on that “gown.”
I knew that the end was in sight.

A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from premature ejaculation. The doctors said it was touch and go.

My doctor left the hospital abruptly today to meet with the house contractor. He really needs to work on his bedside manor.

Was injured when a chandelier fell on me.
Went to the hospital with light injuries.

Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.

Im in hospital!
Dont Panic!
I ate what I thought was an onion, but it was a daffodill bulb!
Doctors reckon Ill be out in the Spring.

've just read yet another '30 places to go before you die' article that has neglected to include 'a hospital'.

I was carried to a hospital after falling into a well. I've had much support from well-wishers.

Doctor: "Your wife's in the hospital."
Me: "How is she?"
Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical."
Me: "Ah, you get used to that..."

Last night in the hospital, a beautiful nurse stepped on my oxygen tube.
She was breathtaking.

I accidentally swallowed a load of maggots while out fishing.......
Now I'm in hospital waiting with baited breath.

My wife bought me a 'Good Luck' bracelet with my initials on it before I went into hospital for some surgery.
I think there must have been a misprint at the manufacturers,
because my initials are 'RND' and this one said 'DNR'.

Medical insurance doesn’t cover everything. Neither do hospital gowns.

I lost my job at the hospital for stealing a neck brace but at least I can still hold my head up high.

Did you hear about the man who arrived at the hospital just after his wife gave birth to their first child?
He was declared Dad on arrival…

The Infectious Diseases ward of my local hospital has great wifi because of all the hot spots.

Wow, aren’t some animals amazing? Just passed a hospital, and a sign outside read ‘Guard dogs operate at this hospital’.

A friend of mind accidentally ate some daffodil bulbs.
The hospital said he’ll be out in the spring.

My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he’d be fine and it’d only take a few minutes.
Lying bastard never came out.

A lost man asked a stranger what's the fastest way to the hospital?
The stranger replied: close your eyes and cross the street.

My wife told me that when i visit her mother in hospital to take her flowers, i did that but i dont know what to do with these flowers now.

I ran into an old friend the other day . She is still in the hospital recovering.

A ham walked out of the hospital and said "I'm cured".

I really miss the people that were born together with me in the same hospital. We cried really hard that day.

Mad Mary was speedin around the mental hospital as usual in her wheelchair.
Mad Joe stopped her & asked 4 her licence.
"Shit" she said & sped off around another corner Mad Jim then stoppd her & asked 4 insurance.
"Fuck" she said & took off again at speed.
Rounding a corner she met BIG JOHN standin stark naked with a massive erection.
"Oh no" she said. "Not the breathalizer again!"

I left hospital absolutely shattered. Pulling the plug on my mother-in-law who lived with us for the past 15 years was the hardest thing I've ever done. I had to wrestle my wife, two doctors, a nurse and a security guy.

Me: Where are you babe?
Gf: I'm at the hospital.
Me: OMG, What happened?!
Gf: I'm a nurse...
Me: Oh....

My friend gave birth in her car on the way to the hospital and her husband named the kid Carson.

Once, my mate Dave got kicked out of a hospital. When I asked why, he said
Apparently "Stroke Patients Here" meant something else.

The hospital you were born in is the only building you left without entering.

—Hola, vengo a sacar mi licencia de conducir

—¡Pero esto es un hospital!

—Lo sé, es que lo tengo en el culo... Es una larga historia.

Q) Who’s the coolest person in a hospital?
A) The ultra sound guy.

I.m in hospital with food poisoning, its my own fault, l mistook a daffodil bulb for an onion, the doctors said I would be ok, l,l be out in the spring.

I was in a psychiatric hospital once, visiting. One of the patients recognized me:
“You're Charles Bukowski, aren't you?” he asked.
He read all my books. Maybe that's why he was there.

What’s the best way for a woman to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.

The Hilton = Hint: Hotel
The Hospital Ambulance = A Cab, I Hustle to Help Man
The Meaning of Life = The fine game of nil
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"

His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."

He asks, "Who's is it?"

His wife replies, "Yours!"

Just because you were born in poverty, it doesn't mean that you'll be poor forever.
I was born in a hospital, yet I'm not a doctor.

I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people.
Now I am at the hospital.

When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I'm now in hospital, waiting to be seen...