Hilarious jokes about SCHOOL that will make your day !

My favourite teacher at school was called Mrs Turtle - strange name but she tortoise well.

My teacher says that fish are more intelligent than we give them credit for. They spend a lot of time in schools.

4 friends meet 30 years after school. One goes to the toilet, while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.
No. 1 says his son studied economics became a banker and is so rich he gave his best friend a Ferrari.
No. 2 said his son became a pilot, started his own airline, became so rich he gave his best friend a jet.
No. 3 said his son became an engineer started his own development company, became so rich he build his best friend a castle.
No. 4 came back from toilet and asks what the buzz is about. They told him they were talking about how successful their sons became and ask him about his son. He said his son is gay and is a stripper at a gay bar. Other 3 said he must be very disappointed with his son for not becoming successful.
Oh no, said the father, he is doing good. Last week was his birthday and he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends .

Her: Could you do Polygamy?

Me: Hell no. I hated algebra in High School.

My kid really wanted to be home schooled, but the school wouldn't accept him!

Teacher: Mr Smith,I think you should buy Jimmy an encyclopaedia.
Dad: Rubbish,he can walk to school just like I had to.

Teacher,
You missed school yesterday, didn't you?
Little Johnny,
Yes, but not very much.

I’m looking for qualified trainers to teach at my new Kama Sutra school.
There are many positions available...

I wanna try asking out my school crush, but it might come off as awkward.
Man being a teacher is hard.

When I was at school my teacher told me that I'd never get a job just staring out the window.

Jokes on her, I've been driving trains for 28 years.

Why was Dr Watson so smart?? He was Holmes schooled.

Why did the sun go to school?
To get brighter.

Q: why did Neil Armstrong’s son get suspended from school?
A: he was being astronaughty.

My favourite teacher at school was called Mrs Turtle - strange name but she tortoise well.

My daughter came back from school with her report card. "Look Dad." she said "My grades spell ABBA." "That's great!" I said "Does your mother know?"

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

When The Edge was at school, he was a border.

My favorite teacher at school was Mrs. Turtle...strange name but she tortoise well.

How do you make Budweiser?
Send him to school!

Why did Cyclops close his school? He only had one pupil.

I hate it when I see an old person and then realise we were at the same school together.

Lying in bed last night when my wife screamed I was an idiot, who needed go back to school.
Seriously, I forgot to pick up our 8 year old son.

“Did you know that a school of piranhas can rip a child apart in 30 seconds. ..... btw I lost my job at the aquarium today “

When I was in carpentry school, I had a very tough drill instructor.

School is not hard.
Paying attention to something you’re not interested in is.

After graduating high school,
I went to medical school
And on the first day, at the entrance we were asked to rearrange the word #PNEIS to form the name of the most important body part.
.
.
Let me just say that those who spelt #spine are now medical doctors and those who spelt p*nis were sent home.

I hate school – oh so ethical
No admittance – contaminated
Austin Powers – power us satin
George Bush – he grew bogus
Grand Old Party – Portly Grandad

Schoolmaster = The classroom
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in'em
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's
Software = Swear Oft
Sunshine and Shadow = Show in Sun and Shade

Dormitory = Dirty room
School master = The classroom
Conversation = Voices rant on
Listen = Silent
Astronomer = Moon starer

People used to call me ugly in middle school, but things have changed...
I'm not in middle school anymore.

My school was sponsored by IKEA.
Assembly took ages.

When I saw an old friend from school, he asked why I was bald. I replied "cancer."
"Cancer?"

"Yeah I asked the barber if he could shave my head, and he 'I sure cancer!'"

Difference between school and life: School teaches you lessons, and then gives you a test. Life gives you a test, and you learn the lessons.

At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy.
I loved that wheelchair.

Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?”

Patrick, “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”

Mother, “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”

Patrick, “What school?”

Jews can’t handle positive reinforcement.
In school they tried giving me a gold star. No way was I falling for that again.

Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can’t walk!

Why are fish so smart ?
Because they swim in schools !

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies, "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!"

I'm seeing a shrink because I keep beating myself up.
Turns out my therapist is my old high school bully. He says he can help me with that.

A Member of our school brass band was a dyslexic girl who played the Toblerone!

Q: What is the fruitiest subject at school?
A: History, because it's full of dates!

Q: Abraham Lincoln had a very hard childhood. He had to walk 8 miles to school every day!
A: Well, he should have gotten up earlier and caught the schoolbus like everyone else!

My nickname at school was scarface
I was brilliant at knitting.

A gentleman wanders around the campus of a college looking for the library. He approaches a student and asked, "Excuse me young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?"
The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, "I sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!"

The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied, "I beg your pardon. Please allow me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, asshole?"

My daughter told me she saw a deer on the way to school.

Me: “How do you know it was going to school?”

At school I was rubbish at English but brilliant at Jograffy.

A human fart can actually be louder than a trombone.

I discovered that fact at my daughters school concert.

A boy is struggling with his exams...
He catches a lucky break when, as he is walking home one day, he finds a mystical lamp on the side of the road. He rubs the side of the lamp and a genie pops out.
"You may have any item you desire, simply name it." The genie says.
The boy thinks for a second then exclaims,
"I'd like some kind of concealable item that will grant me infinite wisdom."
"As you wish, press the top of this pen and what you desire shall be yours."
The boy takes the pen and is overjoyed, with this pen he'll never have to study again!

His next exam comes around and he walks into the school hall with confidence. He sits at his desk as others around him fidget nervously.

When the papers are handed out, he holds the pen up and triumphantly lowers his thumb over the lever as it produces an audible click.

And in his infinite wisdom he suddenly states with absolute clarity:
*"I should have studied!!!"*

This should be posted in every school or kid's bedroom. (11) RULES KIDS WILL NOT LEARN IN SCHOOL.
*Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!
*Rule 2 : The world doesn't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
*Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
*Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
... *Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity.
*Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them. *Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you think you are: So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
*Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HASN'T. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
*Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF -that's for your own time.
*Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. *Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one! ~Most recent rendition written by Charles J. Sykes... So if you can read this... Thank a Teacher. If you can read this in English... Thank a Soldier! And for life and everything else you have... Thank God & your parents!! Now.... think about this and smile and feel free to repost if you choose!

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!

As a child we were so poor all my school clothes came from the Army Surplus store. I was the only Japanese General in my class.

I couldn’t believe it today when i came home and was told by my wife that my 5 year old son isn’t actually mine..
She says I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school..

I remember years ago telling my mom I’d won the Leslie Nielsen Award at school. “What’s that?” she asked. "It’s a big building with lots of teachers and pupils, but that’s not important right now”, I said...