Hilarious jokes about BANKs that will make your day !

Random bank joke:

Why shouldn't you tell Bank Employees secrets?

Most of them are Tellers.

Bank Jokes meme.
Bank Jokes meme.

100% Guilt-Free Laughter. - Updated: 2024-05-25.

Selected bank jokes:

Bir məktub gəlir. Üzərində yazılıb: 'Banka borunuzu ödəmədən öncə ağıl edin.' Adam məktubu oxuyanda fikirləşir: 'He, dəymiş mənim də borcum varmış banka, dünən də heç öz ağılımdan istifadə etməmişəm ki, həmin borcu verəyim.'

Saw the wife at the bank today, not good news.
I was hoping she'd wash further downriver.

Having sex when your old is like trying to save money in a bank. You put it in, you take it out. Pretty soon you lose interest.

A woman is pregnant with Triplets when she goes to the bank. A robber comes in and shoots her three times, hitting all three babies. Thankfully they all survived but the bullets were lodged inside them. Her surgeon told her they’d be ok but on their 18th birthday they’ll piss out the bullet.

18 years pass and the day arrived. First son calls, “Mom, I just pissed out a bullet”. Second son calls, “Mom I woke up this morning and there was a bullet in the bed!” Finally her third son calls, “holy fuck mom, i was jerking off and I just came so hard I shot the dog!”

More bank jokes...

DON'T leave more money in the bank than you can afford to lose. FINAL WARNING...

The bankers are ultimately the ones who always win these wars, because all wars are bankers wars.

if you rob a bank you're a criminal.

if the bank robs you its finance.

if everyone robs everyone its decentralized finance.

A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon.

Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"

Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper.

Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, and Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"

How do you cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Phone them and tell them you can’t come 😂

DON'T leave more money in the bank than you can afford to lose. FINAL WARNING...

Be your own bank.

Grow your own food.

Homeschool your own children.

If you diet, invest, and think according to what the "news" advocates, you'll end up nutritionally, financially, and morally bankrupt.

If you attempt to rob a bank, you will have no trouble with rent or bills for the next ten years, whether you are successful or not.

The best monetary policy is no monetary policy.

Individuals should have FULL authority to hold and exchange any form of money.

Politically connected bankers should have NO authority to destroy your wealth through inflationary schemes.

We now live in a nation where doctors destroy health, lawyers destroy justice, universities destroy knowledge, governments destroy freedom, the press destroys information, religion destroys morals, and our banks destroy the economy.

The trouble with counterfeiting banknotes is you can't make any real money.

There was just one employee at the bank today.

Must have been the lone officer.

Bir məktub gəlir. Üzərində yazılıb: 'Banka borunuzu ödəmədən öncə ağıl edin.' Adam məktubu oxuyanda fikirləşir: 'He, dəymiş mənim də borcum varmış banka, dünən də heç öz ağılımdan istifadə etməmişəm ki, həmin borcu verəyim.'

its really useful having a car...

...for keeping your bank account empty.

The Federal Reserve is a PRIVATE banking cartel disguised as a government system. Its real purpose is to steal wealth from the people.

The best way to rob a bank is to own one.

"If the people understood the banking system, there would be a revolution tomorrow."
~ Henry Ford

Cadbury's have just delivered a giant chocolate bar to The Bank of England.

It’s a massive Boost for the economy.

"I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies."
~ Thomas Jefferson

Trying to get a bank loan from Dubai. Heard they have really good EMIrates.

He: I can't get a job at any bank. Why?
She: I have no idea, Rob.

I was speaking to a guy who had just robbed a bank today. He said, "It was easy, I just walked through the door with a gun in my hand."

I said "Was it a revolver?"

"No, it was just a normal door." He replied.

A woman spent 35 years working for a bank. She was recently made
redundant and hasn't coped very well. She now spends her days
outside the branch using the ATM over and over again.
She's suffering from withdrawal symptoms.

Kamin's Fourth Law: Government inflation is always worse than statistics indicate: central bankers are biased toward inflation when the money unit is non-convertible, and without gold or silver backing.

Checkbook Balancer's Law: In matters of dispute, the bank's balance is always smaller than yours.

I saw this really cute girl at the bank. But she was flirting with some other guy. Really lowered my interest rate.

My business creating men’s shirts out of vegetables has gone bankrupt. There just weren’t enough guys wanting crop tops.

I saw an ad touting "less time traveling" as a benefit of online banking.
I don't think I can time travel any less than I do now.

I have only 50k in my bank account but without the potassium.

So an introvert goes into a bank and decides they need some money. Hesitantly, they walk to the counter. After the teller greets them they immediately respond with, "Hi, can you leave me a loan?"

An FBI agent was called in to speak to the manager of a bank that had been robbed three times in a row by the same guy.
He asked what kind of distinguishing things can you describe about this man? Height, weight, distinguishing tattoos, clothes?
The manager said, "what I noticed was that he seemed to be better dressed each time."

Why do politicians, bankers and mafia bosses like to play golf?
Because you can play that in handcuffs too.

Does a blood bank’s waiting room have a plasma TV?

I walked into a bank, pointed a long, thin piece of wood at the ceiling and shouted: This is a stick up!

If anyone wants to enrich their wealth, please get a copy of the new book on finance out on the market called "HOW TO MAKE MONEY FAST by ROBIN BANKS.

Two burglars are robbing a liquor store.
One turns to the other and asks, "Is this whiskey?"
The other replies, "Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank."

Having sex when your old is like trying to save money in a bank. You put it in, you take it out. Pretty soon you lose interest.

If you rob a bank, you can stop worrying about rent/food bills for several years – whether or not you get caught.

Just great!
…..The furnace is broken at my bank and my assets are frozen.

My brother's wife left him because he was bankrupted from gambling debts.
He's trying to win her back but I don't fancy his chances.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

To receptionist: "Hi, I like to see the doctor. I think I need glasses."
Receptionist: "You sure do. This is a bank."

I would go through many things for you. Let's start with your bank account

I'm thinking about dressing up as a Banker for Halloween this year..

I think it will gain a lot of interest.

I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I will be out of debt.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.

My bank called and told me I had an outstanding balance.
I replied: "Thanks, I used to do gymnastics" and then hung up.

A man, down on his luck, comes across a lamp while walking on the beach...
He gives the lamp a hard rub and out comes a genie.

Genie says "Master, I will fulfill any three wishes you have with one condition. Whatever you wish for, the man you hate the most will get double."

"What the hell? Have you any idea what John did to me? He stole my job, slept with my wife, and ran over my dog!!!" Complained the man.

Genie replies "Sorry, I don't make the rules. Do you want the wishes or not?"

"Fine." Said the man, "My first wish is to have ten billion dollars in my bank account."

"Done" The man immediately receives a call from his bank informing him of his new wealth. Somewhere in the world, John is overjoyed to see twenty billion dollars in his bank account.

"My second wish is to have a 12 inch penis."

"Done" The man looks down and sees his member has now almost doubled in size. Somewhere in the world, John is a little bothered by the fact that his penis now goes down below his knees.

"What is your last wish?" The genie asks.

The man replies "Remove one of my kidneys and show it to me."

A hockey player lost his job at the bank. His boss caught him cross-checking.

Dear God,
All I ask for in 2022 is a big, fat bank account and a slim body…
Please don’t mix these up like you did last year.

More bank jokes on the following pages...

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