Hilarious jokes about BEACH that will make your day !

The local nudist beach has been shut down.
There's a big sign saying "Sorry, we're Clothed".

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself." 😎

Saw absolutely disgusting behaviour on the beach today... I saw a man and a woman having an argument in front of loads of kids... Suddenly the woman smacked the guy in the head and it all kicked off... There was a massive brawl and someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and took his batton to the man, the guy managed to snatch it off him and began assaulting the copper and his wife. Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages... 🐊

Why was the bucket embarrassed at the beach? Because of how pail it was.

My friend bought a bus pass to a nude beach. It turned out to be a ticket to no wear.

Bustlin' Billy's Bogus Beliefs:

The organization of any program reflects the organization of the people who develop it.
There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", only a capitalist.
Anything is possible, but nothing is easy.
Capitalism can exist in one of only two states -- welfare or warfare.
I'd rather go whoring than warring.
History proves nothing.
There is nothing so unbecoming on the beach as a wet kilt.
A little humility is arrogance.
A lot of what appears to be progress is just so much technological rococo.

Have you heard about the guy who rents space on the beach for people to masturbate into the ocean?
Customers have been coming in waves.

What do you call it when mozzarella, cheddar, and parmesan rent a little beach house together?
Cottage cheese.

I was just asked if I want to go to the beach!
I said: “SHORE!”

2 paedos on the beach. One says to the other "can you get out of my s#n".

A man, his wife and a good-looking stranger are stranded on a desert island.
The wife quickly loses interest in her husband and begins flirting with the good-looking stranger.
The three start to build a watchtower.
The stranger offers to take first watch.
While the husband and wife gather driftwood on the sand, the stranger yells, "Hey! No sex on the beach! Get back to work!"
The husband yells back, "We're not having sex!"
Later, the stranger yells out to them again.
Again, the husband yells back and corrects him.
This happens several times during the stranger's shift.
Finally, the husband's takes his shift in the watch tower.
His wife and the good-looking stranger make passionate love on the beach.
The husband on watch exclaims, "Wow, it really does look like f**king from up here!"

The problem with long walks on the beach is the part with the beach and also the walking part.

When the Beach Boys walk into a bar:

"Round?"

"Round!"

"Get a round?"

"I'll get a round!"

A few years ago I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.

It was a flop.

Q: Why did the exercise expert go to the beach?
A: To get some mussels!.

Confucius say, sex on beach like American beer - fucking near water.

What do donkeys on Blackpool beach get for lunch !!!!!
Half an hour like everyone else...

A man, down on his luck, comes across a lamp while walking on the beach...
He gives the lamp a hard rub and out comes a genie.

Genie says "Master, I will fulfill any three wishes you have with one condition. Whatever you wish for, the man you hate the most will get double."

"What the hell? Have you any idea what John did to me? He stole my job, slept with my wife, and ran over my dog!!!" Complained the man.

Genie replies "Sorry, I don't make the rules. Do you want the wishes or not?"

"Fine." Said the man, "My first wish is to have ten billion dollars in my bank account."

"Done" The man immediately receives a call from his bank informing him of his new wealth. Somewhere in the world, John is overjoyed to see twenty billion dollars in his bank account.

"My second wish is to have a 12 inch penis."

"Done" The man looks down and sees his member has now almost doubled in size. Somewhere in the world, John is a little bothered by the fact that his penis now goes down below his knees.

"What is your last wish?" The genie asks.

The man replies "Remove one of my kidneys and show it to me."

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch.
A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

My friend from northern Spain is always at the beach.

She loves to Basque in the sun.

My wife refused to set foot on a nude beach,
She so clothes minded!

Why was the bucket embarrassed at the beach? Because of how pail it was.

Q: How do boyfriends exercise on the beach?
A: By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

I love that Beach Boys song about the girl with the mahogany breasts !!
If you don't know it I think it's called "Wooden Tit Be Nice "

Someone rang my wife and said " I saw your husband on the beach with a gorgeous blonde on his arm" she said " what do you expect at his age.. A fuckin bucket and spade ?? "

I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn't going to help him.

My friend Kiki wants to visit a beach in Hawaii.

I asked her, "Why Kiki?"

A Jewish mother and her four year old walked along the beach when suddenly a gigantic wave rolled in, sweeping the little girl out to sea.

"Oh, G-d," lamented the mother, her face toward heaven. "This is my only baby, the love of my life. I’ve cherished every moment with her. Please, G-d! Bring her back to me and I'll go to synagogue every day!"

Suddenly, another gigantic wave rolled in and deposited the girl back on the sand, safe and sound. The mother looked up and said, " ... she had a hat on....”

Q. How do men exercise at the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

What washes up on really tiny beaches?
Microwave.

What do you call a witch that lives on the beach?
A sandwich.

Two pebbles get washed up on a beach.
One pebble says to the other: "Are you married?”
The other replies: "No, I’m shingle...

Why did the salad always go to a nude beach?
Because it didn't like dressing.

I went for a drink with the Beach Boys last night. It was alright until I asked whose round it was.

Two retired English teachers were sitting on their beach chairs at the seaside. One of them asked, "Have you read Marx?" His friend replied, "Yes, I think it's from these wicker chairs!"

Saw an old lady at lunchtime with a broomstick and a pointy hat stood on the beach. Think it was a ‘sandwitch!’

One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.
But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.
Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"
The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."
He soon falls asleep.
Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.
Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."

The local nudist beach has been shut down.
There's a big sign saying "Sorry, we're Clothed".

What do you call a sorceress on a beach?
A sandwich.

A guy is strolling along a sandy beach one day when he comes across a very old bottle. He's just dusting it off when two rather tired looking genies pop out "Two genies!" he exclaims. "That must mean six wishes!" "Sorry, buddy, it's three or nuthin'," say the genies, "and hurry up". The guy makes his three wishes and races off home to see if they've been granted. He gets home and runs into his bedroom, where he finds the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen waiting for him. After hours of mad, passionate sex, he stumbles out of bed and walks into the living room where he is knee deep in $1000 bills. The guy can hardly believe his luck. Just then there is a knock at the door. He rushes over to open it, when two hooded KKK members throw a rope around his neck and string him up naked until he is dead. The two then take off their white hoods to reveal that they are, in fact, the two genies, both looking rather puzzled. The first genie turns to the second and says, "I can understand the beautiful woman and all the money in the world, by why on earth would you want to be hung like a black man?"

What did the beach say as the tide came in?

Long time no sea!

A man with no arms and no legs is on a beach.. A women walks past n he's says.. Excuse me will you hug me I've never been hugged before.. She reply yes course I will...
The next women comes along... He says excuse me will you kiss me I've never kissed before she replys course I will..
. The next women comes along n he's says excuse me will you fuck me I've never been fucked before and she replys... You'll be fucked in a minute the tides coming in🤣🤣

Saw absolutely disgusting behaviour on the beach today... I saw a man and a woman having an argument in front of loads of kids... Suddenly the woman smacked the guy in the head and it all kicked off... There was a massive brawl and someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and took his batton to the man, the guy managed to snatch it off him and began assaulting the copper and his wife. Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages... 🐊

A very obese man goes to a nude beach he is walking up and down the shore line when a man approaches him and asks him hey man when is the last time you saw your dick??? The obese man replies shit man it's been years...with out batting an eye the man says why don't you diet...the obese man says why what color is it now???

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself." 😎

What did the sea say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved. 🌊

What do you call a Frenchman wearing summer beach sandals?
Phillipe Phloppe.

I wanted to drop a pun about the beach but Im not shore if it will be hilarious.

A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his dick.
An ugly woman is passing and remarks “If you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat for a lady.”
He replies “If you were any sort of lady, the hat would lift itself!”