Funny Useful and Useless Advice for All Your Problems.

Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it.

Teach your daughter to shoot. Because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

Christmas tip: wrap empty boxes & put them under the tree.
Every time your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.

If your phone doesn’t ring when you’re struggling, remember to not pick up the calls when you’re winning.

Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it.

“Only associate with people where you don’t have to drink to be around them.”

Be selfish with your time. A lot of people and actions don't deserve it.

You need to focus on just 3 Fs:

Freedom, Fitness, and Family.

Rest everything is a noise in your life.

Stop cheating on your future with your past. It's over.

If you want someone to think about you all day, wave at people you don’t know.

Find someone who understands your silence.

Rule No. 1: Never stop questioning.
Rule No. 2: Never forget rule No. 1.

When life gives you lemons, squeeze them in people's eyes.

Time is precious, waste it wisely.

When she says "correct me if I'm wrong".
Don't.

Careful. When you say, “A penny for your thoughts” — you might get back change.

Stop hating yourself for everything.
Be specific.

Monetization without creativity is a job.

Creativity without monetization is a hobby.

So…get creative, get monetized, and get paid.

Tips for giving head: just do it.

Google tip.
Always add the word 'recipe ' when googling 'Asian cream pie'.

Life advice: Make better decisions.

Don't yell "shotgun" when boarding the plane.

Work tip: Stand up. Stretch. Take a walk. Go to the airport. Get on a plane. Never return.

When your wife starts a sentence with "when you get a chance" just go ahead and start puttin' your shoes on... She means now.
*Follow me for more marriage tips.

Next time you’re in a fight with your wife,start undressing...She will instantly have a headache and fall asleep.

Dine her.
Wine her.
Eat her vaginer.

Don't be sad because it's all over, smile, because for a few miles, they thought you were a real bus driver...

One weird trick for avoiding hangovers: don't drink alcohol.

Respect the pussy that gets wet for you.

Life hack: Never, ever open a package that is buzzing and the exact size and shape of a swarm of bees.

Before marrying someone, listen long and hard to the sounds of their chewing because that's the soundtrack to the rest of your life.

If you don’t like reality, just ignore it.

Life tip:
Double the life of your phone battery,
put the fuckin' thing DOWN....

Rule .1 Make money.

Rule .2 Don't tell anyone you're making money.

Do yourself a favor, get rich.

Be connected, not attached.

Don’t chase what’s not chasing you.

When you are angry, stay silent.

Keep your circle small, but smart. Fewer people, less nonsense.

Never tell somebody everything. You might be educating an enemy.

"don’t ever let the same people disappoint you twice."

Pro tip: Don't moan when getting a pat down at airport security.

Eat pussy while it's still legal.

Don’t make permanent decisions on temporary emotions.

Do hugs, not drugs. Spread love, not legs. Respect, don't judge. Listen more, talk less. Understand, don't assume. Forgive and forget.

If the conversation gets too serious and uncomfortable, take your pants off.

Marry a man without teeth so they won’t smile to another lady

If you don’t know what a glory hole is…

Don’t look into it.

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.

Never ask a 69 year old to act their age!

Never backtrack and repeat your actions for anyone.

Read that again.

TIP OF THE DAY: If you can't afford porn, just turn the TV on to the tennis and shut your eyes.

Be careful who you trust, even salt looks like sugar.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation.
As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

"Do not try to seem wise to others."

— Epictetus

When the plums dry on your tree, it's time to prune.

Be careful with photographers, they tend to have mood swings. Sometimes they start snapping for no reason!

Remember, the best angle to approach a problem from is the "try" angle.

PRO TIP: Fill the piñata with ketchup and you’ll never have to host a children’s birthday party again.

Apply at the alphabet soup factory. You’ll make over 500 K’s a year!

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.

“Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.”
— Napoleon Bonaparte

Don't do suicide bro, that shit kills you.

"If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door."

– Milton Berle

When You find a Bumblebee, let it Bee.

Marry a man who is older than you so by the time you start losing your beauty, he will also be losing his eyesight.

Always be kind to people.
Instead of saying "fuck off", say "How can I help you to fuck off?"

A bit of advice: When you go to the dentist, turn off your Bluetooth…

If someone calls you a perfectionist just ignore them, you're better than that.

Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.
― Maya Angelou

Don't become a novelist; be a statistician, much more scope for the imagination.

Be Alert....
The World needs more Lerts.

Pro tip: Show your prospective employer that you’re good at delegating responsibility by sending someone else to your job interview.

Don't let anyone hurt you twice.

If you can't make yourself happy,
make others sad and angry.

Y'all better enjoy your 20s, 30s, and 40s.
Because in your 50s, that check engine light is gonna come on.

Fun idea:
Not got kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. On your return ask where your child is.

If you want advice on what to do while waiting in line to buy cotton swabs, I can give you some queue tips.

Always remember to put on a happy face, especially if it's not yours.

-Ed Gein

“Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.”
~ Groucho Marx