Random funny advice:

Don't do anything you're not prepared to explain to a paramedic.

Funny Advice jokes collection.

Selected funny advice:

Enjoy life today, because yesterday is gone, and tomorrow is never promised.

If there's a 1% chance of success, try 100 times.

When the plums dry on your tree, it's time to prune.

Don't forget to get offended today by some sh!t that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.

More funny advice...

If the conversation gets too serious and uncomfortable, take your pants off.

Marry a man without teeth so they won’t smile to another lady

If you don’t know what a glory hole is…

Don’t look into it.

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.

Never ask a 69 year old to act their age!

Never backtrack and repeat your actions for anyone.

Read that again.

TIP OF THE DAY: If you can't afford porn, just turn the TV on to the tennis and shut your eyes.

Be careful who you trust, even salt looks like sugar.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation.
As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

"Do not try to seem wise to others."

— Epictetus

When the plums dry on your tree, it's time to prune.

Be careful with photographers, they tend to have mood swings. Sometimes they start snapping for no reason!

Remember, the best angle to approach a problem from is the "try" angle.

PRO TIP: Fill the piñata with ketchup and you’ll never have to host a children’s birthday party again.

Apply at the alphabet soup factory. You’ll make over 500 K’s a year!

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.

“Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.”
— Napoleon Bonaparte

Don't do suicide bro, that shit kills you.

"If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door."

– Milton Berle

When You find a Bumblebee, let it Bee.

Marry a man who is older than you so by the time you start losing your beauty, he will also be losing his eyesight.

Always be kind to people.
Instead of saying "fuck off", say "How can I help you to fuck off?"

A bit of advice: When you go to the dentist, turn off your Bluetooth…

If someone calls you a perfectionist just ignore them, you're better than that.

Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.
― Maya Angelou

Don't become a novelist; be a statistician, much more scope for the imagination.

Be Alert....
The World needs more Lerts.

Pro tip: Show your prospective employer that you’re good at delegating responsibility by sending someone else to your job interview.

Don't let anyone hurt you twice.

If you can't make yourself happy,
make others sad and angry.

Y'all better enjoy your 20s, 30s, and 40s.
Because in your 50s, that check engine light is gonna come on.

Fun idea:
Not got kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. On your return ask where your child is.

If you want advice on what to do while waiting in line to buy cotton swabs, I can give you some queue tips.

Always remember to put on a happy face, especially if it's not yours.

-Ed Gein

“Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.”
~ Groucho Marx

Ladies get yourself a man with no teeth he will never smile at another woman.

Never fight a dinasour...

You'll get Jurasskicked.

Pro tip: Bakeries don't check ID's so you can buy a birthday cake whenever you want!

Buy a 3D printer.
Print the 3D printer.
Return the 3D printer.

Sex before marriage is a sin so always do it doggy style because all dogs go to heaven.
*Follow me for more loopholes on getting into Heaven.

When your wife starts a sentence with "when you get a chance" just go ahead and start puttin' your shoes on... She means now.
*Follow me for more marriage tips.

Don't let anyone with drawn on eyebrows give you advice about life.

Want to get noticed?

Go jogging without moving your arms.

Pro tip: Don't moan when getting a pat down at airport security.

If you replace the "W" in "where" "what" and "when" with "T" you get answers to the questions.

If you can count, count on yourself.

Never try to unscrew another persons lightbulb in order to shine.

Save business cards of people you don't like.
If you ever hit a parked car, write "sorry" on the back and leave it on the windshield.

NEVER trust anyone who doesn’t buy pizza and beer after helping them move.

Expect nothing and you'll be impressed every day.

Life Rule: Never live bigger than your paycheck.

Surprise him by stashing skittles in your bra so later when he motorboats you he can taste the rainbow.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door..

Enjoy life today, because yesterday is gone, and tomorrow is never promised.

Life Tip: if someone comes out of a toilet sweating, do not go in that toilet.

If your relationship fails, don't blame her. It takes two people to mess up a relationship.
Blame her and her mother.

Avoiding drama is simple.

Just hang out with smarter people.

Don't believe everything you overthink.

Tips for great sex.
Eat a good meal before during and after sex.

If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you're talking about.

Save time on laundry by spending all your time naked.

Love people, not things. Use things, not people.

Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

Answer your phone "Hello you're on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up.

FUN Fact:
When someone gives you advice, respond with "you're right" rather than "I know." You'll come across as being nicer.

Don't cry because the weekend is over. Cry because you're ugly.

Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.

Act like a ninja and wear a black face mask, bitches love ninjas

A goldfish has a 10 second memory. Once you’re done being sad and angry about the situation, be a goldfish.

In a world of constipation, be a laxative.

Never belittle yourself to fit in with the crowd.

If you're out of motivation: do it for spite.

Take yourself off the list of people who have disappointed you.

Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. Then you'll be a mile away from them and have their shoes.

Housekeeping Tip: it’s your pet’s house. Just give up.

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