Random food joke:
Why was the biscuit crying?
His mum was a wafer too long.
Selected food jokes:
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM...
Onion rings.
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you will rise and shine!
We've been married so long, we're on our second bottle of tobasco sauce.
You can't say "filet mignon" without sounding snobby.
More food jokes...
Fun fact.
One hour of chewing gum can burn off the calories you gain from eating one Pringle.
Anyone fancy half a horse?
Not as hungry as I thought.
Square box. Round pizza. Triangle slices.
A key to eating healthy? Avoid any food that has its own TV commercial.
I stole breakfast from the bakery on the way to work yesterday.
It was a piece of cake.
Whoever put S in fastfood is a marketing genius.
How do slimy lettuce and a song about a breakup differ?
One is a bad salad and the other’s a sad ballad.
What’s the difference between a simple person and a pizza?
One is easy to cheat, the other is cheesy to eat.
I have a tofu joke, but it's tasteless.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982...
Just made marble cake.
Anyone recommend a good dentist?
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist.
Boy, am I’m stuffed.
Food is 110% better than people.
I eat spicy food like my butthole owes me money.
Just tried the fabric softener diet but in the end I was still comfort eating.
Overeaters Hotline: 888-888-8888
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was eating breakfast.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life. Therefore Mondays are now “Taco Tuesday Eve” until further notice.
Got all kinds of weird looks at the gym.
Can’t they bring their own pizza?
If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious grilled.
I'm not sure how many cookies it takes to be happy, but so far it's not twenty seven.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning
Nestles in the afternoon
SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.
Them: what do you do for a living?
Me: eat.
I have an eating disorder.
I'm about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings and dis order of nuggets.
In America Casino Royale is called Casino Quarter Pounder.
- Why is airline food so bad?
- Because it smells like 36,000 feet!
How can you tell if an orange is male or female?
If it squirts in your eye without warning it's a male. If it's bitter for no fucking reason, it's a female.
Ham and eggs -
A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
What are the chances of a cow standing in a field getting struck by lightning?
Medium rare.
My wife recently left me because of my pasta-touching fetish.
I have been feeling cannelloni.
What is a dwarf's favorite dessert?
Shortcake.
Liver and onions is a perfect example of how onions doesn't make everything better...
How do you make a taco stand?
You take away its chair.
How to cook the correct amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need.
2. Wrong.
Some things in life are best left unfinished.
Tacos are not one off them.
I'm trying the new aircraft diet.
The amounts are ok, but the food tastes plane.
I tied all my spaghetti together last night when I was drunk. Today I ended up skipping dinner.
My friends allergic to rice.
He is basmatic.
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
What is a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby.
What type of person doesn’t love pizza?
A weirdough.
So, have you heard about the potatoes that got drunk? Yeah, they were smashed!
Last night I had a terrible dream that I had to make a thousand pancakes.
I was tossing and turning all night long!
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
I soak my contact lenses in my oatmeal before I wear them.
….. Fiber Optics….
Why do clothes eat meat?
For Iron.
What happens when your hotdogs get cold?
You get chillie dogs.
If pizza could talk, what would it say?
Probably lots of cheesy things.
So I'm really pleased with my vegetable patch.
Haven't wanted a vegetable in weeks.