100+ restaurant, cafe and fast food jokes !

Give me a word that means serving people in a restaurant ….
I’ll “wait”.

A man says to a waiter: there’s a button in my salad. The waiter says that’s ok, it’s part of the dressing.

I had some frogs legs in a restaurant the other evening and they made me extremely drunk.
I'm guessing it must be the Hops.

I just went to a restaurant and all of my food was still fucking frozen solid. I asked the owner and he said that’s just how the product comes in.
10/10 ice cream shop would recommend again.

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.

I went to McDonald's and ordered 2
large fries.

They gave me around 75 tiny ones
instead.

I had some frogs legs in a restaurant the other evening and they made me extremely drunk.
I'm guessing it must be the Hops.

The local Thai restaurant ran out spice, so it closed for the season.

The restaurant offered me a job cooking hash browns but that's just small potatoes.

I dined at a Michelin restaurant the other night. Michelin is not taking inflation well. Plus the chicken was a little rubbery.

What's the difference between a waitress at a strip club and a stripper?
About 2 weeks.

There’s a new chain of Russian restaurants opening up… They are called
Olivegarchy…

Waitress: "And how would you like your eggs??"
Hubby: "Out of the chicken, please."
Wife: 😲

What did one plate say to the other?

Lunch is on me.

Why can’t detectives relax at seafood restaurants?
- Because everything smells fishy!

My wife suggested that we go out to a restaurant for a dinner date.
I said no as I don't date married women with kids.

I’m starting a restaurant that can put flambé desserts in a doggy bag. I’m calling it “Carryouts of Fire”

So I said to the waitress: "What’s the duck like?”
She said: "Like a chicken, but it can swim”.

I only go to steakhouses on Rare occasions.

I admit I’ve never actually eaten at KFC… but it’s definitely on my bucket list!….

At the restaurant they sat me facing a mirror. As I watched myself eat I slowly realized why I never have second dates.

I keep birthday candles in my purse in case I ever want a free dessert.

There is a special place in hell for people who are not ready to order when it's their turn.

I was asked to leave Dennys after asking if the farmers omelet contained real farmers...

You should always tip your waiter

I told mine to stay in school and don't do drugs.

I said to the waiter, How long will my spaghetti be?

He said: I don’t know. We never measure it.

ME: How did you make a spicy ice cream?

WAITER: You're eating the candle.

FUN Fact:
At a restaurant wash your hands after ordering. The menu is generally the dirtiest thing you can touch!

Diner: “I refuse to eat this roast beef. Please call the manager!”

Waiter: “He won’t eat it either.”

Guest to the waiter: "Can you bring me what the lady at the next table is having?" Waiter: "Sorry, sir, but I'm pretty sure she wants to eat it herself."

Me: This wine tastes like the world has ended and we are all living in a simulation to punish us for our evil ways.
Waiter: I'm so sorry sir, I'll bring you the wine menu over.
Me: No, bring me more. It has a nice chocolatey finish.

Every time I go out to dinner with my dad, he always walks into the restaurant and shouts

Yes, we have reservations! ...but we’ll eat here anyway!!

You’d Think, with all the restaurants they’re building in this town, people would be fed up by now…

Shout out to people in crowded restaurants who can’t understand what anyone is saying.

I mean me. Shout out to me, please.

My wife once found a hair in her salad at a reasonably "nice" restaurant. I told her it reminded me of a movie -- When Hairy Met Salad.

I just went to a cannibal themed restaurant... I thought it would cost an arm and a leg, but it was only $23 a head.

A waitress screamed Does anyone know CPR?

I shouted Hell, I know the whole alphabet

Everyone laughed..

Well everyone except this one guy.

Went to a restaurant and asked the waitress if she had frog legs . She said yes. I said well hop on over there and get me a cheeseburger!

Customer: “Waiter, I’m in a bit of a hurry. Will my pancakes be long?”
Waiter: “No sir, round.”

My cousin and his best friend write articles about various restaurant foods. They call themselves The Taste Buds.

I'm currently on a restaurant date with a female boxer.
She's going for the ribs.

Whenever I leave a restaurant, I always stop by a random table and say, “Thank you for taking care of our check.”
- Steve Martin.

Just ate at the Sam & Ella Cafe.

Now not feeling so well.

Thinking of opening up a chicken restaurant. It's mostly grain and seeds, right?

"Waiter, I'd like two pork chops. And make them lean".
Waiter, "Sure thing. Which way?"

I was in an Indonesian Restaurant last week and I had fried insect legs.
Absolutely loved them.
They really were the Bees Knees.

Me: What do you recommend?

Waiter: Would you like to hear the Chef's Special?

Me: I'm sure he is, but let's focus on what I'm going to order.

Waitress: "And how would you like your eggs??"
Hubby: "Out of the chicken, please."

A man says to a waiter: there’s a button in my salad. The waiter says that’s ok, it’s part of the dressing.

Waitress: How do you want your eggs?
Me: Poached.
Waitress: Sir, we only cook the eggs we rightly own.

“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”

Recently learned I have an eating disorder...when the waitress brings my food I think to myself, "I'm excited to eat dis order."

Give me a word that means serving people in a restaurant ….
I’ll “wait”.

I told the hostess we need a table for six. She asked if we had reservations. I said no, we definitely want to have dinner here.

If the orchestra went to a fancy restaurant without their maestro, would they know how to...
...conduct themselves??

Me: Waiter, this food isn't fit for a pig!
Waiter: I am sorry Sir, let me bring you something that is.

Waitress: How would you like your burger cooked?
Me: On the grill, with all the others.

So I was in a restaurant last night and I ordered Napoleon chicken for the first time.
When It came there was no meat just the carcass.
I said to the waitress: "What's this?!!"
"She said: "It's the boney part".

Went to a cannibal restaurant last night ....£50 a head.

So I asked the waitress, “Do you have crab legs?”
She said “yes”
I said , “it must be hell finding stockings “

So I said to the waitress: "What’s the duck like?”
She said: "Like a chicken, but it can swim”.

I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked, "Do you want to hear today's special?"
I said, "Yes please."
Waiter: "No problem, sir. Today is special."

I’ve decided to open a new restaurant for cannibals.
Now I need to recruit several Head Chefs...

A waiter just asked"Do you wanna box for your leftovers?" "I said no, but I'll wrestle you for them."

waiter: your coffee

me: could I have a little spoon please?

waiter: certainly *delicately embraces me from behind*

me: lovely

I dont like my job at the Indian restaraunt, i can't curry on like this anymore.

What does food taste like in Cannibal Restaurants?

It varies from person to person.

Waiter walks to the table, the customer asks if he's got frogs legs. Waiter reply, no, it's just the way I walk.

Went to a restaurant and asked for the most expensive thing on the menu. Do you know what’s dear? Venison.

Waiter, will my pizza be long?"
"No sir, it'll be 'round."

Waitress: Hello sir, may I have your order?
Customer: No, it’s mine.

Went into a restaurant, looked down the menu and said to the waitress "i'll have the Pissoles, please". She said "what". I said "the Pissoles - they're on the menu". She took a squint at the menu and said "oh, that's a typo, it should begin with an "R".

"OK" I said, I'll have the Arseholes then !!!

A new local restaurant for golfers insisted on putting greens in all their courses.

Ive just had a " Pelican pizza " at the local dominos restaurant, it was really tasty, but the fuckin Bill was enormous !!!!