Pack Your Sense of Humor: Vacation and Travel Jokes.

A vacation is a very expensive way to schedule the time to read a book in peace.

I need a 6 month holiday. Twice a year.

My wife fainted onto the baggage carousel at the airport.

Thankfully she came round.

Touring Rome, one finds many fine restaurants.

The rest is history.

I need a maycation, I may come back and I may not.

My wife and I will each pay our own way while vacationing in The Netherlands. That’s right, we’re going Dutch…

Secret to a successful marriage is separate vacations.

How do flat earthers travel the world?

On a plane.

At the airport & I just saw a man collapse on the luggage carousel. Think he's ok, as he's just coming round.

This mans boss said, You can have a week off if you want to. The man asked: Can I have two weeks off if I want three?

Why is a small cruise ship like a guy suffering from premature ejaculation?
Both of them only need a couple of tugs.

Why didn't the two introverts go camping?
Because it's two fucking in tents.

I was just asked if I want to go to the beach!
I said: “SHORE!”

My wife forgot the code to her luggage, but I figured it out.

You can say... I solved the case.

It's no coincidence all movies about camping are horror.

On a flight, off on holiday. The cabin crew member asked what I wanted to drink.

"water".

"Still?"

"Well, I haven't changed my mind..."

Where do math teachers go on vacation?

Times Square.

Loads of holidaymakers visit Alcatraz and are duped into buying souvenir handcuffs as it's a two wrist trap.

My vacation this year is to go to Puerto Backyarta.

Gonna quit my job and travel the world till I run out of money!

I should be home in time for dinner...

Finding your lost luggage at the airport should be easy.

However, thats not the case.

How do you know if an elephant loves to travel?
Because he always packs his own trunk.

The wife and I can’t agree on our next trip. I want to go to Amsterdam ,but she wants to come with me……..

A couple stopped at a quaint little B&B. The clerk behind the counter greeted them warmly. As they checked in he told them, "I'm very sorry but we're a little short-handed. Would you mind making your own bed?"
"Of course not, " answered the husband, with his wife's agreement.
"Great! Here's a saw, a hammer and some nails. There's wood and a mattress up in your room."

The Earth may be getting warmer but if I ever want to cool down I go to a mountain for the climb it change.

"Where do fruits go on vacation?" "Pear-is!"

If flying is so safe why is the airport called the terminal ?

One man almost asked a travel agent for a date. However, he had his reservations because she seemed reserved!

I lost some luggage on a flight,
I was told it ended up in Antarctica may never be found,
It's now a cold case!!

Where do sheep like to go on holiday?

BAA-li…

At an airport, one of my friends suggested we disguise ourselves as luggage. I said, "let's not get carried away".

I saw Freddie Mercury at the airport. He was singing "carry on, carry on, nothing really matters..."

I saw Freddie Mercury at the airport. He was singing "carry on, carry on, nothing really matters..."

Just at the airport with my wife, I said "I wish I’d brought the coffee table with us."

"Why is that?" she asked...

"The passports are on it..."

My friend Kiki wants to visit a beach in Hawaii.

I asked her, "Why Kiki?"

People who climb the world's highest mountain...
Do they Everest?

What kind of travelers never get angry?

Nomads.

As I get older, I think of all the people I've lost along the way.

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me?

I made a list of all the things to do in Prague. It’s a Czech list;

1. Find hotel in Prague.
2. Book holiday for Prague.
3. Pack suitcases for Prague.
4. Fly over to Prague.
This is my holiday Czech list.

I’ve just come back from a once in a lifetime holiday.
Never again.

I thought of going to Thailand for a vacation but then I was Phuket I’ll go anyway.

That tower in Paris sure is an eye-full.

What do nudists pack for vacation?
Just the bare necessities.

When I went to Japan on vacation, I didn't see a single ninja.
Impressive.

Can everyone please stop making North Korea jokes?
My friend went there for a vacation, and he's having so much fun that he hasn't remembered to keep in touch with us for about 7 years now.

What’s a good place in Austria for a Spaniard to take a vacation?
Bienna.

- I can't go on a long vacation because of my work.

- Oh, I'm sure they can manage without you for a week.

- Exactly! That's what I don't want them to discover.

My librarian wife is very good at planning our vacations.
She knows how to book a trip.

What do you call an immigrant who's on a vacation?
A terrourist.

My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation."
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

I was really hesitant about going to Hiroshima for vacation
but it was a blast!

German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"

German Dude: "German".

Airport Guy: "Occupation?"

German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".

Vacations are made in China. They never last long enough.

An Englishman’s wife goes on vacation.
He goes down the pub celebrate with his mates and tells them that she’s gone for seven days to a tropical island.

One of his mates asks, “Jamaica?”

The man replies, “No—she wanted to go!”

I asked my boss, “Can I get two weeks of vacation during Christmas?”
Boss: It’s May.

Me: I’m sorry. May I get two weeks off during Christmas?

Why do kids like summer vacation so much?
It's the only time they will ever get to experience a classless society.

My partner and I can never agree on vacations.
I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.

I just told my luggage there will be no vacations this year.
Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.

Where do pencils go on vacation?
Pencil-vania.

This is the first year I’m not going on vacation to Paris because of covid.
Usually I don’t go because I can’t afford it.

I just went on a once in a lifetime vacation.
Never again.

How does earth and mars schedule a vacation ?
They planet.

Cyclops is searching for vacation places.
Cyclops: how do you spell Hawaii?

Wife: well, you need 2 i's

Cyclops: my life is just a joke to you isn't it Linda?

Where do bees stay while on vacation?
Air Bee and Bee

- Why didn’t the elephant buy a suitcase for his vacation?
- Why?
- Because he already had a trunk!

- What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
- What?
- A coconut on vacation!

- Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
- Why?
- To make up for his miserable summer.

- Where did your mom go for her summer vacation?
- Alaska.
- Never mind, I’ll ask her myself.

- What’s gray, has four legs and a trunk?
- An elephant.
- No, a mouse on vacation.

- Where did the sheep go on vacation?
- Where?
- The Baa-hamas!

- What summer vacation destination makes your pet bird sing for joy?
- I haven’t a clue.
- The Canary Islands!

First dog: Where do fleas go for summer vacation?
Second dog: Search me!

Teacher: Johnny, please use the words “letter carrier” in a sentence.
Johnny: Yes, ma’am. “My dad said that after seeing how many things my mom was bringing on vacation, he would rather letter carrier own luggage.”

- Where did Tarzan go on summer vacation?
- Where?
- Hollywood and Vine.

- What did the bread do on vacation?
- What?
- It loafed around.

- Why can’t basketball players go on summer vacation?
- Why not?
- They’d get called for traveling!

- Where do goldfish go on vacation?
- Where?
- Around the globe!

- My son came to visit for summer vacation.
- How nice! Did you meet him at the airport?
- Oh, no. I’ve known him for years!

- Where do eggs go on summer vacation?
- I don’t know.
- New Yolk City!