Hilarious jokes about HOSPITAL that will make your day !

A white man is in the delivery room of a hospital where his wife has given birth, a nurse taps him on the shoulder with a black baby in her arms and said "Is this yours Sir?" The man says "Its quite possible, she fucking burns everything else"

Never date a married woman,

I will explain when I get discharged from the hospital.

Did you hear about the roofer who went to the hospital?
He came down with a case of Shingles.

I finally found someone who sees something in me!
She runs the x-ray at the hospital.

I got a call telling me my wife’s been taken to the hospital. “Oh my Lord, how is she?!” I asked. “I’m sorry to say she’s critical,” said the nurse. “What the heck is she complaining about again?!”

Doctor: "Your wife's in hospital" Me: "How is she?" Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical" Me: "Ah, you get used to that"

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up? "

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
"I thought yousaid I had another 43 years.
Why didn't you pull me fromout of the path of the ambulance?"



God replied:

"I didn't recognize you!"

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately
Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this labs nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches, and healing crystals all my life, and they never let me down. Now, will you do things my way or do I need to talk to the hospital management?

Doctor: Sure, sure, lady. We'll do things your way. Does an astrology-based approach work for you?

Karen: That's better! Of course it would!

Doctor: What's your birth sign?

Karen: Cancer.

Doctor: Well what a fucking coincidence.

I rushed to the hospital this morning.
The doctor said, "Your wife has been in an accident, and she's got an eight inch wide gash."
I said, "I know doc, but has she suffered any injuries?"

Imagine your card declines at a hospital after you gave birth and they start shoving the baby back inside.

3 men were waiting outside the labor ward of the hospital. A nurse came out to tell the 1st man: "Congratulations. You are the father of twins." "Twins!" he exclaimed "How about that? I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Co.!" 5 mins later, a nurse came out to tell the 2nd man: "Congratulations. You are the father of triplets." "Triplets!" he said "What a coincidence! I work for the 3M Organization!" The 3rd man stood up & muttered: "I need some air. I work for 7-Up.

A white man is in the delivery room of a hospital where his wife has given birth, a nurse taps him on the shoulder with a black baby in her arms and said "Is this yours Sir?" The man says "Its quite possible, she fucking burns everything else"

After going to the hospital for a routine checkup, a man is devastated when he finds out he has the rare deadly disease B55. The doctor tells him that he only has 1 week to live.
After going home to come to terms with the news the man decides that he is not going to waste his last week alive so he and his wife go out to bingo. While he is there he decides to enter the prize draw game. First of all he gets 1 line and wins a car. Then he gets 2 lines and wins £10,000. Then he gets a full house and wins the holiday of a lifetime for two. At the end of the round the bingo caller comes up to him and said, "You must be the luckiest man in the world! You have just won a car, £10,000, and the holiday of a lifetime in just one game."
"I'm not that lucky" replied the man. "I've got B55."
The bingo callers face turns to shock and he says, "You lucky bastard! You've won the raffle as well!"

Q. What’s the difference between the psychiatrists and the patients at the mental hospital?
A. The patients are the ones that eventually get better and go home!

At a mental hospital :

Doctor: - What is this?

Mad man: - This is a book i wrote. It has a total of 500 pages.

Doctor:- You wrote 500 pages! Wow, what did you write?

Mad man:- On the first page i wrote 'One king rode on a horse and went towards the jungle'.
And on the last page i wrote 'The king reached the jungle'.

Doctor:- So what did you write in the remaining 498 pages?

Mad man:- I wrote;

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Doctor :- (stunned) And what's that?

Mad Man:- That's the sound of the horse running...The hooves digging the terrain.

Doctor:- And who will read your story?

Mad Man:- I will put it on Facebook plenty of nutters on there who will definitely read it..... One of them is reading it as we speak! 👋

Did you hear about the roofer who went to the hospital?
He came down with a case of Shingles.

A woman is pregnant, and is practically 9 months along. She goes to see her doctor for a routine check-up.
She asks, "What if the baby starts coming, and I can't get to the hospital in time?"
The doctor replies, "Well, women have been having babies for a million years without a doctor in attendance. It's a very natural process. The first thing you do is to assume the same position you were laying in when you got pregnant."
The blonde interrupts with, "Do you mean with the left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window?"

"Surround yourself with Positive people"they said.
Now I'm in a Hospital bed.

While visiting a friend in the hospital, a young man notices several pretty nurses, each one of them wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. “What does the pin signify?” he asks one of them. “Oh! Nothing,” she says with a chuckle, “we just use it to keep the doctors away.”

One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.
But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.
Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"
The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."
He soon falls asleep.
Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.
Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."

A man's wife had been in a coma in hospital for some time. As part of her continued care, her sheets were changed often and she was given sponge baths by a nurse.
During one of the sponge baths, the nurse noticed the wife reacted slightly when her private parts were washed.
The nurse spoke to the husband and explained that she had an unconventional idea that might bring his wife out of the coma. She explained the reaction and suggested that the husband should try oral sex with his wife.
He quickly decided to give it a try, and shut the door for some privacy. After a few minutes, the alarms on the life support equipment began to sound. The nurse rushed into the room and was shocked to find that wife was dead!
"What happened!" screamed the nurse.
"I don't know," said the husband. "She must have choked!"

Nurse Rosy was known for getting her instructions reversed. If the doctor said give the patient two pills at four o'clock she would invariably give four pills at two o'clock.
One evening the doctor arrives on the floor to make his final round for the day and he is startled to see a patient running down the hallway with his hospital gown flapping in the breeze, screaming at the top of his lungs, and being chased by Nurse Rosy carrying a big pot of boiling water.
The doctor yells, "Damn it, Nurse Rosy, I very distinctly told you to prick his boil !"

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor
"We're getting granite counter tops."

Pls can I actually become a doctor by showing hospitality to people ?

My friend was rushed to hospital after swallowing 8 plastic toy horses.
He’s now stable.

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, I have to take your temperature.
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer. This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.....
After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room. What's going on here? asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?
After a pause, the doctor confessed..... Not with a Daffodil.

I work in a hospital. The patients are dying to get out.

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test.
She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you
Husband: What’s up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid
Husband: Well you dont’t remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped. Then you said: - Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here. So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.

A woman starts dating a doctor. She eventually becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks. "It's worth a try," he says. The doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation, he goes to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this." "What happened?" asks the priest. "You gave birth to a child!" "But that's impossible!" says the priest. "I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby." About 15 years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies, "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!

BREAKING: John Travolta hospitalized for suspected COVID-19, but doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever, and they assure everyone that he was Staying Alive.