Random hurt joke:


Went to the dentist today, 3 teeth gone and there was blood everywhere...Mind you, he hurt me so he was asking for it.

HURT and SUFFERING quotes and jokes collection.



Selected suffering jokes:


I don't mean to brag
But I'm so old I can hurt myself
Sleeping.


Wisdom comes only through suffering.
Aeschylus


I hurt my back in Egypt once .. needed a Cairo-practer. )


FUN Fact: Vodka drinkers are less likely to suffer from a stroke.



More suffering jokes...


I don't mean to brag
But I'm so old I can hurt myself
Sleeping.


The opposite of BDSM is BDHM

Baby, don't hurt me


What's the difference between a yoghurt and Australia?
If you leave a yogurt eventually it develops culture.


Lies kill, truth hurts.
- A.Bratus


Refuse to comply with anything that hurts you or others, grow a backbone.
Empathy over orders!


What happened to the overworked pastry chef?
He suffered a mental bake-down.


FUN Fact: Vodka drinkers are less likely to suffer from a stroke.


Q:Why do gas prices hurt so bad?

A:Because it’s PROPANE.


"Babe is it in?" "Yea." "Does it hurt?" "Uh huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts." "Okay, let's try another shoe size."


Somebody hit me with a copy of A Tale of Two Cities.
It hurt like the Dickens!


“Fire tests gold, suffering tests brave men.”
— Seneca


A woman spent 35 years working for a bank. She was recently made
redundant and hasn't coped very well. She now spends her days
outside the branch using the ATM over and over again.
She's suffering from withdrawal symptoms.


A psychiatrist once told me I suffer from delusions of grandeur...
I figured he must say that about everyone who is awesome and kicks ass.


Suhor's Law: A little ambiguity never hurt anyone.


Long's Notes:

Always store beer in a dark place.
Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then do it.
If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion.
It has long been known that one horse can run faster than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial.
A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.
Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
A generation which ignores history has no past -- and no future.
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
History does not record anywhere at any time a religion that has any rational basis. Religion is a crutch for people not strong enough to stand up to the unknown without help. But, like dandruff, most people do have a religion and spend time and money on it and seem to derive considerable pleasure from fiddling with it.
It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
Of all the strange "crimes" that human beings have legislated out of nothing, "blasphemy" is the most amazing -- with "obscenity" and "indecent exposure" fighting it out for second and third place.
It's better to copulate than never.
Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks.
It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
Never appeal to a man's "better nature". He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
Avoid making irrevocable decisions while tired or hungry.
An elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.
A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes. This may be the purpose of the universe.
Stupidity cannot be cured with money, or through education, or by legislation. Stupidity is not a sin; the victim can't help being stupid. But stupidity is the only universal capital crime; the sentence is death, there is no appeal, and execution is carried out automatically and without pity.
God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent. It says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks, please. Cash and in small bills.
Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she is not.
In a family argument, if it turns out you are right, apologize at once.
To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
Does history record any case in which the majority was right?
Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
Expertise in one field does not carry over into other fields. But experts often think so. The narrower their field of knowledge the more likely they are to think so.
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmills.
Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it's none of my business, but . . . " is to place a period after the word "but". Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about.
A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being "frank".
Natural laws have no pity.
You can go wrong by being too skeptical as readily as by being too trusting.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Climate is what we expect; weather is what we get.
Pessimist by policy, optimist by temperament -- it is possible to be both. How? By never taking an unnecessary chance and by minimizing risks you can't avoid. This permits you to play out the game happily, untroubled by the certainty of the outcome.
"I came, I saw, SHE conquered." (The original Latin seems to have been garbled.)
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
Don't try to have the last word. You might get it.


Hare's Additional Lie: This will hurt me more than it hurts you.


Don't let anyone hurt you twice.


Why is a small cruise ship like a guy suffering from premature ejaculation?
Both of them only need a couple of tugs.


So I was listening to the radio the other day and an ad came on: “Do you suffer from premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction?”
And I thought to myself, “No but my girlfriend probably does.”


A guy walks into a bar on New Year's Eve and orders a glass of champagne. "Happy New Years!" he shouts. "Calm down," the bartender reprimands him. "It's still hours away." "Sorry," the guy apologizes. "My doctor told me I sometimes suffer from premature congratulations."


I previously suffered from premature ejaculation my GF got me some cream that reduces sensitivity
It 100% totally work's now i don't give a fuck about that bitch.


A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from premature ejaculation. The doctors said it was touch and go.


I just told my new girlfriend that I suffer from premature ejaculation...Fair play to her though she took it on the chin.


To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone, theres always someone behind you!


Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was a really hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.


You can't hurt me.. You're not my wife ...


My wife said she wanted me to hurt her during sex, so I told her that her meatloaf was too salty.


If you have an uncontrollable urge to buy land in Antarctica you are probably suffering from buy polar DISORDER.


Shouldn't kids suffering from ADHD be sent to Concentration Camps?


Welcome to your 50’s!
You can now hurt yourself yawning.


“The root of suffering is attachment.”

- Buddha


They can’t hurt you, when you no longer care.


"We suffer more often in imagination than in reality."

- Seneca


Kill them with kindness.

Bitterness will hurt you more than it will them.


I had to change dentists because the last one hurt my fillings.


"They can’t hurt you unless you let them."

- John C. Maxwell


Why did Santa's shortest helper go to a therapist? He suffered from low elf esteem.


❝ The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for. ❞
– Bob Marley


If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?


"A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears."
- Montaigne


"Only through suffering can we find ourselves."
- Fyodor Dostoevsky


"To hell with them. Nothing hurts if you don’t let it."
Ernest Hemingway


If you’re stabbed in a dark alley, sing a Smash Mouth song. You’ll still die, but the attacker will also suffer.


I don't delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.


"The root of all suffering is attachment."
- Buddha


"A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears."
- Montaigne


The last thing I want to do is hurt you; but it’s still on the list.


You know what I hate about voicemail messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, “We aren’t in, leave a message.” That’s why I’ve decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me.


Barney’s wife made him watch a bunch of movies from the early 1900’s that he didn’t like. He had to suffer in silents


Went to the dentist today, 3 teeth gone and there was blood everywhere...Mind you, he hurt me so he was asking for it.


If it hurts you more then it hurts them....
Your probably holding the taser wrong....


"All suffering originates from craving, from attachment, from desire."
• Edgar Allan Poe


Happened upon a guy hitting himself in the head with a hammer.

"Doesn't it hurt?" I asked.

"Yeah," he admitted. "But it feels so GOOD when I stop."


I just burnt my tongue on my food.
It made me realize that it’s the ones we love that hurt us the most.


It hurts me to say this, but...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I have a sore throat.


There's nothing more hurtful than a cat immediately washing the spot where you just pet it.


If you punch yourself and it hurts, does that mean you're weak or strong?


If you punch yourself and it hurts, does that mean you're weak or strong?


My back don’t start hurting until I put on my work clothes
👖😒👕


Wisdom comes only through suffering.
Aeschylus


First, the Engagement Ring, the Wedding Ring and then the Suffering.


Ironically, of all the phobias that people suffer from, the fear of heights is right near the top.


A man goes to his doctor and tells him he’s suffering from a long list of illnesses.
‘The trouble with you,’ says the doctor. ‘Is that you’re a hypochondriac.’
‘Oh no,’ says the man. ‘Don’t tell me I’ve got that as well.’


What medicine do you take when your butt hurts ?
ANSWER: assprin.


After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were
going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough….once she killed
herself
I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought…Sod it….soldier on


A man is driving with his wife and small child. A militia man pulls them over and makes the man take a breathalyzer test. “See,” the militia man says, “you are drunk.” The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the cop to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Exasperated, the man invites the cop to test his child. When the child registers drunk as well, the cop shrugs, says, “Yes, perhaps it is broken,” and sends them on their way. Out of earshot the man tells his wife, “See, I told you it wouldn’t hurt to give the kid a couple shots of vodka.”


The regional KGB headquarters in Arkhangelsk suffered a major fire and was almost completely destroyed. Shortly after, a man called looking for help.

“I’m sorry, we can’t do anything,” said the receptionist. “The KGB has burnt down.”

Five minutes later, the receptionist received another call. “I’m sorry, we can’t help. The KGB has burnt down.”

Another five minutes passed, and the phone rang again. The receptionist recognised the voice as the man who’d twice called previously.

“Why do you keep calling? I told you that the KGB has burnt down.”

“I know. I just like hearing it.”


When a plant is hurt do you think the other's photosympathize with it?


A router goes to see the doctor, and the doctor asks, "What seems to be the problem?"

The router replies "It hurts when IP".


A girl takes a dress into the dry cleaners and asks for it to be cleaned.
The man, who is a little deaf, says, "Come again?"
The girl blushes and replies, "No, it's yoghurt this time."




More hurt and suffering quotes and jokes on the following pages...