Hilarious jokes about SCHOOL that will make your day !

What subject did the snake learn in school on Monday? Hiss-tory!

My daughter came back from school with her report card. "Look Dad." she said "My grades spell ABBA." "That's great!" I said "Does your mother know?"

Cohen's Laws of Politics:

Law of Alienation: Nothing can so alienate a voter from the political system as backing a winning candidate.
Law of Ambition: At any one time, thousands of borough councilmen, school board members, attorneys, and businessmen -- as well as congressmen, senators, and governors -- are dreaming of the White House, but few, if any of them, will make it.
Law of Attraction: Power attracts people but it cannot hold them.
Law of Competition: The more qualified candidates who are available, the more likely the compromise will be on the candidate whose main qualification is a nonthreatening incompetence.
Law of Inside Dope: There are many inside dopes in politics and government.
Law of Lawmaking: Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
Law of Permanence: Political power is as permanent as today's newspaper. Ten years from now, few will know or care who the most powerful man in any state was today.
Law of Secrecy: The best way to publicize a governmental or political action is to attempt to hide it.
Law of Wealth: Victory goes to the candidate with the most accumulated or contributed wealth who has the financial resources to convince the middle class and poor that he will be on their side.
Law of Wisdom: Wisdom is considered a sign of weakness by the powerful because a wise man can lead without power but only a powerful man can lead without wisdom.

My nickname at school was Scarface.

I was really good at knitting.

I have bipolar disorder, generalized anxiety, disordered eating, and psychosis—which are more friends than I had in elementary school.

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get 50 cents out of you, I'll be doing great."
"Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying in school?" asked Mr. Smith.
The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

Call me old school but I like a woman without a penis.

Little Johnny is always teased by the other boys at school for being stupid. Whenever they make fun of Johnny, the other boys will offer him a nickel or a dime, and Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes a nickel, Johnny’s friend, Billy, pulls him aside and asks, “Johnny, don’t you know by now that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel is bigger?” A smile slowly comes over Johnny’s face. “Well,” he says, “they’d stop doing it if I took the dime, and so far I’ve made 20 bucks!”

The boy that used to bully me at school is still taking my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

A policeman knocked on my door last night and said 'where were you between 4 and 6?', 'at primary school' I said.

Q: Why did the school kids eat their homework?
A: Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake.

Johnny is at school and teacher says "Johnny, it's time for milk and cookies!" He says "FUCK YOU AND YOUR MILK AND COOKIES!" Teacher decides to call Johnny's father and hide him in the coat closet. Again she says""time for milk and cookies!" Again Johnny says "FUCK YOU AND YOUR MILK AND COOKIES!" She opens the closet door and says "this is how your child is talking. What do you have to say about this?" Dad says" Well, fuck him. Don't give him any!"

Say what you want about pedofiles but, at least they drive slow through school zones.

Did you hear that Clint Eastwood opened a preschool? It's called "Go Ahead and Make My Day Care Center".

I will be joining a school that teaches people how to smoke weed. It's a High school.

A young boy came home from school and told his mother, "I had a big fight with my classmate. He called me a sissy."
The mother asked, "What did you do?"
The boy replied, "I hit him with my purse!"

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a wank. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

“I’m going to donate my body to science, and keep my Dad happy – he always wanted me to go to medical school.”

My wife told me to get our 8 year old ready to go back to school.

So I punched him and took all his lunch money.

4 friends meet 30 years after school. One goes to the toilet, while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.
No. 1 says his son studied economics became a banker and is so rich he gave his best friend a Ferrari.
No. 2 said his son became a pilot, started his own airline, became so rich he gave his best friend a jet.
No. 3 said his son became an engineer started his own development company, became so rich he build his best friend a castle.
No. 4 came back from toilet and asks what the buzz is about. They told him they were talking about how successful their sons became and ask him about his son. He said his son is gay and is a stripper at a gay bar. Other 3 said he must be very disappointed with his son for not becoming successful.
Oh no, said the father, he is doing good. Last week was his birthday and he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends .

Dad: Son did you hear about the kidnapping at the school.??
Son: No what happened!
Dad: The teacher woke him up.

A man walks into a drug store with his 10-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men…
One for January, one for February, one For March.......

The Fireman hired his high school flame as his secretary. After several heated arguments, he realized she wood knot be a good match, so he fired her.

I was teased in middle school.
They called me an elephant.
I'll never forget that.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay. He woke up.

Caught my son picking up a dropped pencil
Noticed that he held his hand next to his heart while doing that
On asking why did he do that
He told me ..
' in school - the teacher bent to pick up the duster and both her "lungs" fell out .

Little Johnnie was struggling with arithmetic in his public school. His parents decided to move him to a Catholic school instead. Amazingly, his math grades skyrocketed! His mother asked him about the vast improvement. Johnnie said, "When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they were serious."

An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered. They found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved "I love you, Sally".
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said,: "We've got to give it back."
Sally said: "Finders keepers."
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers, who were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
Sally said: "No."
Jerry said: "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said: "Don't believe him, he’s getting senile."
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Jerry said: "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .."
The first police officer turned to his partner and said: "Let’s get out of here."

I planted weed at school
That's why they call it 'high school'

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's okay, he woke up.

Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes school.

Wisdom is not a product of schooling but of the lifelong attempt to acquire it.
Albert Einstein

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts." 😊

What is the witch’s favorite school subject?
Spelling! 😎

A boy wants to ask a girl to prom, and he really likes her so he goes all out...
He goes to the florist to buy some flowers, but the line is out the door. He thinks, "that's okay, she's worth it," and waits an hour in the flower line.

Next he goes to the candy store to get some really nice chocolates and again, the line is absurdly long. Again he thinks, "that's okay, I'll wait," and waits an hour in the chocolate line.

He goes to a limo agency to book a limo for prom night, but they are having a sale so many engaged couples have lined up to book a limo. But the line is shorter than the candy store line and the boy thinks, "well, if I waited in that line, I can wait in this one, too." He waits half an hour in the limo line.

After that he goes to buy the tickets to prom. Everyone else is buying tickets too, but he doesn't want them to run out so he has to wait over an hour in the ticket line.

Finally he has everything he needs, so she asks the girl and she says yes.

The night of prom they get in the limo and drive to the venue. The event isn't very well coordinated so traffic is atrocious, and they wait for what seems like forever in a stand-still traffic line.

Finally, they get out of the limo and stand in line to get into the prom. It's a big school, so they wait for the better part of 45 minutes in the entry line.

When they eventually make it inside, the boy and girl start dancing. They're both having a great time, but the girl gets thirsty so the boy offers to get her some punch.

He goes to the drink table and there's no punch line.

Edit 1: wow, you scrolled to the bottom and read that there's no punch line? You're such a smart and special snowflake.

Edit 2: Yeah, I get it, this joke is a repost. I have never frequented r/jokes before, but I assume that reposts happen a lot. If all jokes were original content, this sub wouldn't be so active.

A lad says to his school teacher.
Here sir, what do you think I’ll be when I grow up,
The teacher thinks for a minute and then replies... about 45. 🧓

Work vs Jail
In prison they spend the majority of their time in a 8’ x 10’cell.
At work, I spend most of my time in a 6’ x 6’ cube.
In prison they get three meals a day.
At work I only get a break for one meal and I have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work I get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
At work I must wear an ID badge at all times.
In prison they provide you with clothing with the ID conveniently sewn onto the clothes.
At work there is a dress standard but I must buy my own clothes.
In prison there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.
At work I must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors myself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for me.
In prison they can watch TV and play games.
At work I can get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they will pay my way through school to learn a new career and give me time to do it.
At work they will pay for my education but I must do it on my own time.
In prison they have exercise rooms that they allow you to use almost whenever you want.
At work we have an exercise room that you can use but it must be on your time.
In prison I can fall asleep on the job and no serious consequences comes from my actions.
At work if I fall asleep on the job I get put on the next RIF list.
In prison they ball and chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball and chained.
In prison you have full medical coverage with no deductibles.
At work, you get partial coverage and pay all the deductibles.
In prison all expenses are paid by the tax payer, with no work on their part.
At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then deduct the taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

There was a kidnapping at school today

But he woke up 😴

Toto rentre à la maison après sa première journée à l’école primaire.
La maman :
-- Alors Toto, tu as appris beaucoup de choses aujourd’hui ?
Toto :
-- Pas assez en tout cas, ils veulent que j’y retourne demain.

Toto comes home from his first day of elementary school.