Random prison joke:
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring
at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee...
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room.
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the gun in my face and said:
'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
"I would have been released today..!!!"
Weird never felt so funny.
- Updated:
2024-12-20.
Selected prison jokes:
My brother called me from his prison quarters. He has a cell phone.
As an executioner, I often asked prisoners if they had a last request.
My last inmate asked me for a high five.
But I just left him hanging.
You are allowed to send e-mails to people in prison...
as long as you don't attach a file.
A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
More prison jokes...
Self-image is the prison. Other people are the guards.
The best way to keep a prisoner from escaping is to make sure he never knows he's in prison.
Banks don't loan money, they loan debt, leveraged on the backs of the slaves, who are farmed by the government, and lovingly "tended" to by the education, prison and justice system.
They convinced you that 'freedom' is giving 30-60% of your hard earned money to the government each year, just to stay out of jail.
9-to-5 is a prison.
And the illusions of security are the walls holding you in.
I just laugh stuff off cause prison doesn’t cook the food I like.
Politicians should be limited to two terms: 1 in office and 1 in prison.
If you can't do anything about it then let it go. Don't be a prisoner to things you can't change.
- Tony Gaskins
I have a friend who has sex three or four times a week, exercises for an hour everyday, reads several books a week, and his "wife" does whatever he tells her to...
... and all he does is complain about prison.
As an executioner, I often asked prisoners if they had a last request.
My last inmate asked me for a high five.
But I just left him hanging.
Q: Did you hear about the statistician who was thrown in jail?
A: He now has zero degrees of freedom.
A Roman centurion kidnapped a member of a tribe of barbarians and offered to trade him for a Roman prisoner. The barbarian chief said, I can't believe you have the Gaul to do that!!
Doctor said that i have 2 months to live,so I killed the doctor. Now the judge gave me 20 years of life in prison.
Did you hear the one about the guy who got 6 months in jail for prematurely ejaculating?
I think he got off easy.
Ralph's cell phone didn't work very well in prison. It was only getting one bar.
The game monopoly is fin, but has some major out of date stuff.
There’s free parking, a luxury tax, you can actually afford to pay rent, and rich people can actually go to jail.
My ex got sent to jail for plotting a radical socialist coup.
Guess I should have...
Paid attention to the red flags.
I sing in the prison choir. I'm always behind a few bars and looking for the key.
Q: What’s the difference between a jeweller and a prison officer?
A: One sells watches, the other watches cells.
I’m in prison for something I didn’t do. I didn’t get away with it.
On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
"Fucking great," I thought, "first day in here and I'm already married."
Did you know you're allowed to send emails to people in prison ?
You're just not allowed to attach a file.
I'm gonna open a studio in jail, then I'll call it criminal records.
Chuck Norris got fact-checked by facebook, he sent facebook to facebook jail.
“Security without liberty is called prison.”
— Benjamin Franklin
COP: Don't run... you'll only go to jail tired.
That awkward silence when prison inmates are playing monopoly and somebody picks up the 'get out of jail free' card.
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
I almost got shanked in jail last night.
My family takes Monopoly very seriously.
Why did the basketball player go to jail?
Because he shot the ball.
How did the pillow avoid jail time? He had a strong case.
Two Russians meet in a prison cell...
"How long?" the first one asks.
"Fifteen years. You?"
"Ten, for politics. What're you in for?"
"For nothing."
"Liar! For nothing, you get five years!"
What did the prison guard give to the criminal?
Pimple cream so he won’t break out.
How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
He reached ESCAPE VELOCITY.
Divorce is like getting out of jail but not having any money to do anything cool.
What do you want to hear in church but not a Mexican prison?
Jesus loves you!
I was sent to prison and I said to my cell mate, "I won't be in here long."He replied, "Well the judge did give you 6 years."
"Yeah I know, but I think my wife will break me out, she's never let me finish a full fucking sentence before."
I never said he’d been to prison…
…I just said he’d spent a lot of time behind bars…
Why can athletes lift more than prisoners?
Because the pros outweigh the cons.
What is a prisoner’s favorite punctuation?
A period.
Why?
Because it marks the end of a sentence.
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail, but apparently you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.
I was in prison and my cellmate told me to look out for 'one-eyed Bill'.
"Why?" I asked "Is he dangerous?"
He said "No. He just keeps bumping into people".
What flavour is the toothpaste in jail?
Imprisonmint.
My neighbor is a musician who is currently serving time in jail. His wife is waiting for his next release.
That awkward silence when prison inmates are playing monopoly and somebody picks up the 'get out of jail free' card.
I hate shower sex.
It's slippery, awkward, and one of the worst things about prison.
My favourite saying is better out than in which is probably why I lost my job as a prison guard.
Don't date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
What's the difference between a jailer and a jeweler?
One sells watches and the other watches cells.
You are allowed to send e-mails to people in prison...
as long as you don't attach a file.