Random success quote/joke:


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.

SUCCESS quotes and jokes collection.



Selected success quotes/jokes:


Pike Law of Punditry: The successful pundit is provided more opportunities to say things than he has things worth saying.


Will glass coffins be a success?

💀

Remains to be seen.


Reminder: The successful people you look up to once did the things you refuse to do.


My bonsai business was so successful, I had to move to smaller premises.



More success quotes/jokes...


BEHIND every successful programmer
There is no girlfriend.


"Life is but a continual succession of opportunities for surviving."
-- Gabriel García Márquez


You'll never have a successful relationship with a woman if you can't tell the difference between a smile and a warning.


One cardiologist said his success seemed to be in the cards!


A friend's business "Cooking with Spices" has not been successful. His bank have called in the bay leafs.


The worst part about looking for a job is if you're successful, you end up with a job.


Behind every successful man there is a woman!
Need more success?
Increase the number of women!


When my Dad was unemployed he used to hide money in the bushes in our garden...

He went on to become a successful hedge fund manager.


A fart is like success.
It only bothers you when it’s not your own.


There are 2 rules to living a happy and successful life:
1. Never tell anyone everything you know.


If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.


Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can’t lose.
Bill Gates


Success is like a fart.

It only bothers people when it's not their own.


Work in silence let your success make the noise.


If bowlers are to successfully go on strike will they still have to play?


If You Attempt to Rob a Bank, You Will Have No Trouble with Rent or Bills for the Next Ten Years, Whether You Are Successful or Not.


When Alexander Graham Bell invented the first telephone it didn’t work. It wasn’t until he invented the second telephone that he had any success.


I’ve just been informed that my application to be a quicksand rescue officer was successful

It hasn’t quite sunk in yet ..


A local bank is introducing a cash machine built in to a tree. If it’s successful, they might expand to other branches.


Pound Land have just announced a successful take over of all the 99p stores.
The staff of the 99p company have all been told by Pound Land that there will be no change in their store.


“If you want to be successful, you must respect one rule: never lie to yourself.”
~ Paolo Coelho


My brother owns a successful business that sells prosthetic limbs all over the world.

He’s an international arms dealer.


Wanna know the secret of success?
Two simple rules:
1. Never tell them everything you know.


My friend opened a jewelers shop last year.
He wasn't successful though... The owner called the police.


A friend of mine had a very successful round of golf, then went to let the dentist have a look at his teeth. He got a hole in one.


There are two secrets to success in life:

1. Don’t tell them everything you know.


If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?


If you want a successful relationship then... make sure you have foreign key in second table


There are two (2) rules for success in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.


Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife, and a surprised mother-in-law.


A self-made millionaire decided that he was lonely and needed to find a mate. So, he organized a bit of a competition for it.
As his search neared the end he narrowed the choices down to four.

One was a doctor. She was a surgeon, made incredible money. She was focused and driven. Because she was so wealthy on her own, he knew she wasn't in it only for the money.

One was a lawyer. Again, a successful professional. A real tiger. She had practiced several forms of law, including divorces. She knew all there was to know about the legal side of a marriage, and had offered to make sure both of them were protected.

One was an entrepreneur. She had started as a teen working in a bakery and eventually had opened her own, successful string of bakeries. She was creative, and sweet. She was in touch with her softer side, and he knew that her creativity would bring him out of his shell.

The last was a woman of relatively ordinary means. She was pretty, but shy. She worked in an office and enjoyed her sometimes mundane work. Her goal in life was to be a perfect wife and mother. She longed to help her future husband achieve his full potential as a human being, and then to raise children that would be strong and independent thinkers. He was 100% convinced of her loyalty.

He thought long and hard about his choices, he considered every aspect of each woman's strengths. After days of deliberation, he finally made his choice....

He picked the one with the biggest tits.


No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.
- Abraham Lincoln


The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.


Unsuccessfully tried to sue British Airways for losing my luggage. I lost my case.


Success is like pregnancy.
Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.


A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!"
One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!!
The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!!
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform...... Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful......
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died!
The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw Arthur, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his Hoover !!!!!
Don't tell me you thought that Arthur became a feckin’ doctor!😂😂


You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there's no real difference between me and George Clooney.


A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

“I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man.

“To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”

The son-in-law interrupted, “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”

“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”

“I hate office work,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”

“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”

“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”


I was in a band in the 90's called "Homeopathy"
We were a bit like Placebo but not as good.
Once we played at a festival, a bit unsuccessful because most of the crowd left to see the Cure instead.


A young man starts work at a large corporation and on his first day comes upon a ladder going upwards with a sign "The Ladder too Success". He takes his first step and, fights and claws his way up until he sees a sign, "You are almost there. Only a few more rungs to success." The now old man, finally gets to the top where he is greeted by a big fat greasy looking troll with his schlong hanging out, "Hi. My name is Cess !


In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!" The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive..."



If you attempt to rob a bank, you will have no trouble with food, rent, or bills for the next 10 years regardless of your success.


4 friends meet 30 years after school. One goes to the toilet, while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.
No. 1 says his son studied economics became a banker and is so rich he gave his best friend a Ferrari.
No. 2 said his son became a pilot, started his own airline, became so rich he gave his best friend a jet.
No. 3 said his son became an engineer started his own development company, became so rich he build his best friend a castle.
No. 4 came back from toilet and asks what the buzz is about. They told him they were talking about how successful their sons became and ask him about his son. He said his son is gay and is a stripper at a gay bar. Other 3 said he must be very disappointed with his son for not becoming successful.
Oh no, said the father, he is doing good. Last week was his birthday and he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends .


After you Finnish a difficult task, Denmark it on your calendar. There's Norway you want to forget the Swede feeling of success.


Fact: There have never been any successful jokes about the Jonestown Massacre. It's because the punch line is always too long.


There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic". Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.
It is known, of course, as: Sinko de Mayo!


Will glass coffins be a success?

💀

Remains to be seen.




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