Random wisdom quote/joke:

A man walks into a bar after a long day and proceeds to drink. Meanwhile he gets friendly with this well dressed chap near him.
After some beers this new friend says " Dude do you know that if you drink whiskey here you can fly temporarily ?"
"What ? That's absurd !! Ok prove it to me right now !!" says the man, wisely.
The well dressed guy removed his coat, and then proceeds to jump out the window. He does a somersault and some tricks and comes back in safely.
"Your turn " he says.
The man, who now has complete faith in the dude proceeds to take a shot of whiskey and jumped out through the window. He fell and broke most of his bones.
As he was being taken away in the ambulance, the bartender comes up to him and says " Damn... Superman can be real mean when he is drunk !!"

WISDOM quotes and jokes collection.

Selected wisdom quotes/jokes:

To attain knowledge, add things every day. To attain wisdom, remove things every day.
Lao Tzu

The function of wisdom is to discriminate between good and evil.

Knowledge is having the right answers.
Intelligence is asking the right questions.
Wisdom is knowing when to ask the right questions.

Proverbial Law: For every proverb that so confidently asserts its little bit of wisdom, there is usually an equal and opposite proverb that contradicts it.

More wisdom quotes/jokes...

"Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful."
~~ Sir Isaac Newton

Some are wise.

Some are otherwise.

A foolish man complains of his torn pocket while a wise man uses it to scratch his balls.

Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.

"Do not try to seem wise to others."

— Epictetus

“The wise man accepts his pain, endures it, but does not add to it.”
— Marcus Aurelius

Trischmann's Paradox (Axiom of the Pipe): A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.

First Law of Revision: Information necessitating a change of design will be conveyed to the designer after -- and only after -- the plans are complete. (Often called the "Now they tell us!" Law.)
Corollary: In simple cases, presenting one obvious right way versus one obvious wrong way, it is often wiser to choose the wrong way, so as to expedite subsequent revision.

Proverbial Law: For every proverb that so confidently asserts its little bit of wisdom, there is usually an equal and opposite proverb that contradicts it.

Axiom of the Pipe. (Trischmann's Paradox): A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.

Long's Notes:

Always store beer in a dark place.
Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then do it.
If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion.
It has long been known that one horse can run faster than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial.
A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.
Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
A generation which ignores history has no past -- and no future.
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
History does not record anywhere at any time a religion that has any rational basis. Religion is a crutch for people not strong enough to stand up to the unknown without help. But, like dandruff, most people do have a religion and spend time and money on it and seem to derive considerable pleasure from fiddling with it.
It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
Of all the strange "crimes" that human beings have legislated out of nothing, "blasphemy" is the most amazing -- with "obscenity" and "indecent exposure" fighting it out for second and third place.
It's better to copulate than never.
Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks.
It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
Never appeal to a man's "better nature". He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
Avoid making irrevocable decisions while tired or hungry.
An elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.
A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes. This may be the purpose of the universe.
Stupidity cannot be cured with money, or through education, or by legislation. Stupidity is not a sin; the victim can't help being stupid. But stupidity is the only universal capital crime; the sentence is death, there is no appeal, and execution is carried out automatically and without pity.
God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent. It says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks, please. Cash and in small bills.
Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she is not.
In a family argument, if it turns out you are right, apologize at once.
To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
Does history record any case in which the majority was right?
Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
Expertise in one field does not carry over into other fields. But experts often think so. The narrower their field of knowledge the more likely they are to think so.
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmills.
Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it's none of my business, but . . . " is to place a period after the word "but". Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about.
A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being "frank".
Natural laws have no pity.
You can go wrong by being too skeptical as readily as by being too trusting.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Climate is what we expect; weather is what we get.
Pessimist by policy, optimist by temperament -- it is possible to be both. How? By never taking an unnecessary chance and by minimizing risks you can't avoid. This permits you to play out the game happily, untroubled by the certainty of the outcome.
"I came, I saw, SHE conquered." (The original Latin seems to have been garbled.)
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
Don't try to have the last word. You might get it.

Galbraith's Law of Political Wisdom: Anyone who says he isn't going to resign, four times, definitely will.

Committee Rules:

Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
Commoner's Three Laws of Ecology:
No action is without side-effects.
Nothing ever goes away.
There is no free lunch.

Cohen's Laws of Politics:

Law of Alienation: Nothing can so alienate a voter from the political system as backing a winning candidate.
Law of Ambition: At any one time, thousands of borough councilmen, school board members, attorneys, and businessmen -- as well as congressmen, senators, and governors -- are dreaming of the White House, but few, if any of them, will make it.
Law of Attraction: Power attracts people but it cannot hold them.
Law of Competition: The more qualified candidates who are available, the more likely the compromise will be on the candidate whose main qualification is a nonthreatening incompetence.
Law of Inside Dope: There are many inside dopes in politics and government.
Law of Lawmaking: Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
Law of Permanence: Political power is as permanent as today's newspaper. Ten years from now, few will know or care who the most powerful man in any state was today.
Law of Secrecy: The best way to publicize a governmental or political action is to attempt to hide it.
Law of Wealth: Victory goes to the candidate with the most accumulated or contributed wealth who has the financial resources to convince the middle class and poor that he will be on their side.
Law of Wisdom: Wisdom is considered a sign of weakness by the powerful because a wise man can lead without power but only a powerful man can lead without wisdom.

The "Using Time Wisely" conference has been moved to February 28-30.

"Every generation imagines itself to be more intelligent than the one that went before it, and wiser than the one that comes after it."

By George Orwell

Is it really wise to invest with somebody called a "broker"?

Bob thought it wise for he and Marsha to move to Greenwich, England. In the Mean Time,...

"A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it."

- Albert Einstein

"Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world.

Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."

– Rumi

“As the water shapes itself to the vessel that contains it, so a wise man adapts himself to circumstances.”
― Confucius

"Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by rulers as useful."
- Seneca

When I got married my Dad gave me a single bit of wisdom.

Even when you win the argument with your wife, you've lost.

"Awareness of ignorance is the beginning of wisdom."

- Socrates

Nine-tenths of wisdom consists in being wise in time.
- Theodore Roosevelt.

I can definitely see the wisdom in going back to sleep.
That's my pillowsophy.

Confucius say, foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

"A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it."
- Albert Einstein

The wisest of all, in my opinion, is he who can, if only once a month, call himself a fool. ~Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Mr. Wise is a wise man. Ask Mr. Wise for counsel, otherwise, Mrs. Wise!

“And what is better than wisdom? Woman.
And what is better than a good woman? Nothing.”
― Geoffrey Chaucer

“Nobody can give you wiser advice than yourself.”
— Cicero

Knowledge is having the right answers.
Intelligence is asking the right questions.
Wisdom is knowing when to ask the right questions.

We are made wise not by the recollection of our past, but by the responsibility for our future.
George Bernard Shaw

Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life.
Immanuel Kant

The function of wisdom is to discriminate between good and evil.

Wisdom is the supreme part of happiness.

There is a wisdom of the head, and there is a wisdom of the Heart.
Charles Dickens

Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.
Jimi Hendrix

Wisdom consists of the anticipation of consequences.
Norman Cousins

Wisdom comes only through suffering.

Wisdom is the daughter of experience.
Leonardo Da Vinci

The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.

An intelligent man believes only half of what he hears, a wise man knows which half.
Evan Esar

"For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow."
—Ecclesiastes, 1:18, The Bible

It is a wise man who lives with money in the bank, it is a fool who dies that way.
French Proverb.

“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he is too old to go anywhere.”
— Billy Crystal

Wife: Darling, we should get married again on our 25th anniversary.
Man: Yeah, and this time let’s choose our partners wisely!!!

‘The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.’
- Isaac Asimov

More wisdom quotes and jokes on the following pages...