Hilarious quotes and jokes about LIFE that will make your day !

So my wife walked out on me after I spent our life savings on a penis extension... She said she just couldn't take it any longer!

I always take life with a grain of salt. And a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

What's the difference between single life and married life?
When you're married, there's no volume on when watching porn.

Jane was one of those UGLY women, so ugly it hurts. She never had a boyfriend so she went to a Psychic for help.
"Honey," said the Psychic. "You will not have luck in love in this life. But, at the reincarnation, you will be a very desired woman and all men will fall at your feet."
Jane left very happy and so excited, as she went over a bridge she thought, "The sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins."
She decided to jump off the bridge right away. But, incredibly Jane didn't die!
She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas, she lost her senses and fainted. As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very well, and not knowing where she was, she started touching her surroundings, feeling all the bananas she mumbled with a huge smile on her face, "Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Please! One at a time!"

Enjoy life today, because yesterday is gone, and tomorrow is never promised.

Life Tip: if someone comes out of a toilet sweating, do not go in that toilet.

I was asked in a interview, describe your life in a nutshell...
Well its very dark and cramped.

LIFE is like a chocolate box. Just get your own, and stay away from mine!

Dentist: open up
me: sometimes life gets lonely man.

If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.

Unless you work at a carnival, life will never be fair.

"Life is a balance between holding on and letting go."
- Rumi

“Life is too short to learn German”
― Oscar Wilde

I am that stage in life where 10 years younger is still old and 10 pounds lighter is still fat.

On the keyboard of life always keep one finger on the -escape- key.

Life is a drama full of tragedy and comedy. You should learn to enjoy the comic episodes a little more.
- Jeannette Walls

My life is like a romantic comedy except there's no romance and it's just me laughing at my own jokes.

The greatest mistake you can make in life is continually fearing that you'll make one.- Elbert Hubbard

My whole adult life people have told me I should write my jokes down. I now realise they meant instead of saying them out loud.

Husband: You know, you remind me of Christmas lights

Wife: Why, because I light up your life and bring you joy?

Husband: More like you are scattered all around the house and not working.

Young men live a life of easy come and easy go. For us older guys, it's a bit more difficult for both.

Life is like a road trip. Enjoy each day, and don't carry too much baggage.

In order to write about life first you must live it.

Ernest Hemingway

If you continue to live in the past, your life is history.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

My life is just a series of awkward and humiliating moments separated by snacks.

Psychology says private life always wins, keep it a secret till you win.

Last night, I changed a lightbulb, crossed a road, walked into a bar and chatted with an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman.
That’s when I realised my entire life is a joke....

Life is just charging your phone over and over until you die.

"I do not exist to impress the world. I exist to live my life in a way that will make me happy.”
Richard Bach

“Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards”

~ Søren Kierkegaard

All we need in life is someone who thinks about us the way I think about mashed potatoes.

We all are at that point in life where we get more scared of losing earphones than people.

I believe that if life gives you lemons,you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

"The secret to living happily is to enjoy your present life and not get caught up in future issues"
-Albert Einstein

“The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts.”

- Marcus Aurelius

Someone: describe your sex life in two words.

Me: my what?

Coffee….because life is a bitch.

Life insurance is something that helps keeps folks poor all their lives so they can die rich.

People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.

Life is like playing guitar. I’m not very good at playing guitar.

BE CAREFUL: The best things in life will either make you fat, drunk, or pregnant...

Gonna start saying “duck it” in real life so the autocorrect bugs me less.

Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.
- Confucius

"The world is little, people are little, human life is little. There is only one big thing — desire."
~ Willa Cather

Life is about changing perspectives and priorities:
I used to worry if one of my hairs was out of place, now I don’t care if they both are.

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.”
- Albert Einstein

"Don't wait for miracles, your whole life is a miracle."
- Albert Einstein

The thought of going back to life without mask worries me...
I've been mouthing "fuck you" to people for months and I'm not sure I can stop.

"Don't wait for miracles, your whole life is a miracle."
- Albert Einstein

At first my life was depressing and miserable, but I have turned that around. Now it's miserable and depressing.

Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade's gonna suck.

I always take life with a grain of salt. And a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

My life has a great cast, but I still couldn't figure out the plot...