Hilarious quotes and jokes about LIFE that will make your day !

Buy your son a 300 piece tool kit for his 15th birthday.
Steal the 10mm socket.
He needs to learn that the struggle is real.
Follow me for more life lessons.

A guy offered to document my life in Microsoft Excel, but I said no.

I don’t want him to spreadsheet about me.

A self-made millionaire decided that he was lonely and needed to find a mate. So, he organized a bit of a competition for it.
As his search neared the end he narrowed the choices down to four.

One was a doctor. She was a surgeon, made incredible money. She was focused and driven. Because she was so wealthy on her own, he knew she wasn't in it only for the money.

One was a lawyer. Again, a successful professional. A real tiger. She had practiced several forms of law, including divorces. She knew all there was to know about the legal side of a marriage, and had offered to make sure both of them were protected.

One was an entrepreneur. She had started as a teen working in a bakery and eventually had opened her own, successful string of bakeries. She was creative, and sweet. She was in touch with her softer side, and he knew that her creativity would bring him out of his shell.

The last was a woman of relatively ordinary means. She was pretty, but shy. She worked in an office and enjoyed her sometimes mundane work. Her goal in life was to be a perfect wife and mother. She longed to help her future husband achieve his full potential as a human being, and then to raise children that would be strong and independent thinkers. He was 100% convinced of her loyalty.

He thought long and hard about his choices, he considered every aspect of each woman's strengths. After days of deliberation, he finally made his choice....

He picked the one with the biggest tits.

The meaning of life is to keep yourself busy with unnecessary shit until you are dead forever.

I was raised by a pack of wild hyenas, life was tough and food was scarce but boy did we laugh.

The difference between a Zoo and a Museum is a matter of life and death.

My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.

" Poetry is just the evidence of life. If your life is burning well, poetry is just the ash."

By Leonard Cohen

I spent my entire life savings on pasta.
It was worth every penne.

“To the intelligent man or woman, life appears infinitely mysterious. But the stupid have an answer for every question.”
—Edward Abbey

Don’t be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn’t change.
And spiders. Be scared of them too.

Would have started saving money in kindergarten if I knew my life was like this.

While ferrying workers back and forth from our offshore oil rig, the helicopter I was on lost power and went down. Fortunately, it landed safely in a lake. Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest and jerked open the exit door.
"Don't jump!" the pilot called out. "This thing is supposed to float!"
As the man leapt from the helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, "Yeah, and it's supposed to fly too!"

“If a man can bridge the gap between life and death, if he can live on after he's dead, then maybe he was a great man.”

— James Dean

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson...

“The supreme happiness of life consists in the conviction that one is loved.”
– Victor Hugo

Life is like chess.
You can never find a mate.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts.

Friend requested we get together and share some cocktails.
I replied “No, I prefer to keep my sex life private ”.

Growing tomatoes is really the best way to devote 3 months of your life only to save $2.17.

This man went to see his doctor.
Doc-So what seems to be the problem?
Guy-wha,wha,wha, well I h-h-h-have this st, st, st stuttering problem? C-c-c-can you find out wha, wha, wha, why?
After a thorough examination the doctor tells the patient that his penis is so large that it is pulling down on his vocal chords. The doctor assures the patient that he can fix the stuttering if he removes 7 inches of his penis.
The patient agrees to the surgery.
Several months later at the patients first follow up appointment.
Guy- Thanks for fixing my stuttering doctor but now my life is way worse. I am having big problems, all the women I was sleeping with before no longer have any interest in me. I need you to sew back on those 7 inches of my penis.
Doc- H-h-h hell no!

After my vacuum cleaner broke I realized it was the only thing in my life that doesn’t suck.

Why do people say “Happy Birthday?”. The person just LOST another year of their life ... is that really a celebration?

" Fiction is like a spider's web, attached ever so lightly perhaps, but still attached to life at all four corners."
~ Virginia Woolf

‘The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.’
- Isaac Asimov

Little girl: "Grandma you’ve had four husbands in your long life , what did they all work as?"
Grandma: "The first was a banker , the second a circus acrobat, the third was a tailor and your grandad is an undertaker".
Little girl: "Wow different jobs!"
Grandma: "Yes it’s one for the money, two for the show , three to get ready and four to go".

My life has never gone according to plan. So I just stopped planning.

My bag for life died this morning. Should I be worried?

A goalie's goal in life is to have no goals.

Why was the archeologist so depressed ?
Because his whole life was in ruins.

My ex asked me how my life was.
Nothing but my passwords have changed.

Imagine being completely naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and all want touch you. That's a life of a dog.

"It's the little things in life that make you laugh"
I never knew what that meant until I saw two midgets fighting.

"The world is little, people are little, human life is little. There is only one big thing — desire."
~ Willa Cather

“The great art of life is sensation, to feel that we exist, even in pain.”
-- Lord Byron

"Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs. - life is short."

• Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

Being ugly is basically playing life on hard mode.

If you don’t look back in Life and think you were an idiot, then you’re probably still an idiot.

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

"Our memory is a more perfect world than the universe: it gives back life to those who no longer exist."
— Guy de Maupassant

“Life is a journey that must be traveled no matter how bad the roads and accommodations.”

– Oliver Goldsmith

The secret to a long life is just not dying to soon.

I use Linux... because Life is too short for reboots.

Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?

King Midas wasn't always happy with his special power. He lost many friends and a few pets. All his life he was racked with gilt.

Q: What do protons and life coaches have in common?
A: They know how to stay positive.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last as long for fat people.

Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you. Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

The Hilton = Hint: Hotel
The Hospital Ambulance = A Cab, I Hustle to Help Man
The Meaning of Life = The fine game of nil
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet

Life is never fair. And perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not. ~Oscar Wilde

Dont say your life is a joke because jokes got meaning.

Life Pro Tip:
Don't ever put ducks in a cement mixer…

You'll get quacks in the pavement!

Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald.