Hilarious jokes about PRISON that will make your day !

Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison. He couldn’t finish his sentence. 😪

“Go out and do something. It isn’t your room that’s a prison, it’s yourself.”
~ Sylvia Plath

That awkward silence when prison inmates are playing monopoly and somebody picks up the 'get out of jail free' card.

Work vs Jail
In prison they spend the majority of their time in a 8’ x 10’cell.
At work, I spend most of my time in a 6’ x 6’ cube.
In prison they get three meals a day.
At work I only get a break for one meal and I have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work I get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
At work I must wear an ID badge at all times.
In prison they provide you with clothing with the ID conveniently sewn onto the clothes.
At work there is a dress standard but I must buy my own clothes.
In prison there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.
At work I must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors myself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for me.
In prison they can watch TV and play games.
At work I can get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they will pay my way through school to learn a new career and give me time to do it.
At work they will pay for my education but I must do it on my own time.
In prison they have exercise rooms that they allow you to use almost whenever you want.
At work we have an exercise room that you can use but it must be on your time.
In prison I can fall asleep on the job and no serious consequences comes from my actions.
At work if I fall asleep on the job I get put on the next RIF list.
In prison they ball and chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball and chained.
In prison you have full medical coverage with no deductibles.
At work, you get partial coverage and pay all the deductibles.
In prison all expenses are paid by the tax payer, with no work on their part.
At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then deduct the taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

Self-image is the prison. Other people are the guards.

The best way to keep a prisoner from escaping is to make sure he never knows he's in prison.

Banks don't loan money, they loan debt, leveraged on the backs of the slaves, who are farmed by the government, and lovingly "tended" to by the education, prison and justice system.

They convinced you that 'freedom' is giving 30-60% of your hard earned money to the government each year, just to stay out of jail.

9-to-5 is a prison.

And the illusions of security are the walls holding you in.

I just laugh stuff off cause prison doesn’t cook the food I like.

Politicians should be limited to two terms: 1 in office and 1 in prison.

If you can't do anything about it then let it go. Don't be a prisoner to things you can't change.
- Tony Gaskins

I have a friend who has sex three or four times a week, exercises for an hour everyday, reads several books a week, and his "wife" does whatever he tells her to...
... and all he does is complain about prison.

As an executioner, I often asked prisoners if they had a last request.
My last inmate asked me for a high five.

But I just left him hanging.

Q: Did you hear about the statistician who was thrown in jail?
A: He now has zero degrees of freedom.

A Roman centurion kidnapped a member of a tribe of barbarians and offered to trade him for a Roman prisoner. The barbarian chief said, I can't believe you have the Gaul to do that!!

Doctor said that i have 2 months to live,so I killed the doctor. Now the judge gave me 20 years of life in prison.

Did you hear the one about the guy who got 6 months in jail for prematurely ejaculating?
I think he got off easy.

Ralph's cell phone didn't work very well in prison. It was only getting one bar.

The game monopoly is fin, but has some major out of date stuff.
There’s free parking, a luxury tax, you can actually afford to pay rent, and rich people can actually go to jail.

My ex got sent to jail for plotting a radical socialist coup.
Guess I should have...
Paid attention to the red flags.

I sing in the prison choir. I'm always behind a few bars and looking for the key.

Q: What’s the difference between a jeweller and a prison officer?
A: One sells watches, the other watches cells.

I’m in prison for something I didn’t do. I didn’t get away with it.

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
"Fucking great," I thought, "first day in here and I'm already married."

Did you know you're allowed to send emails to people in prison ?
You're just not allowed to attach a file.

I'm gonna open a studio in jail, then I'll call it criminal records.

Chuck Norris got fact-checked by facebook, he sent facebook to facebook jail.

“Security without liberty is called prison.”
— Benjamin Franklin

COP: Don't run... you'll only go to jail tired.

That awkward silence when prison inmates are playing monopoly and somebody picks up the 'get out of jail free' card.

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

I almost got shanked in jail last night.
My family takes Monopoly very seriously.

Why did the basketball player go to jail?
Because he shot the ball.

How did the pillow avoid jail time? He had a strong case.

Two Russians meet in a prison cell...
"How long?" the first one asks.
"Fifteen years. You?"
"Ten, for politics. What're you in for?"
"For nothing."
"Liar! For nothing, you get five years!"

What did the prison guard give to the criminal?
Pimple cream so he won’t break out.

How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
He reached ESCAPE VELOCITY.

Divorce is like getting out of jail but not having any money to do anything cool.

What do you want to hear in church but not a Mexican prison?

Jesus loves you!

I was sent to prison and I said to my cell mate, "I won't be in here long."He replied, "Well the judge did give you 6 years."
"Yeah I know, but I think my wife will break me out, she's never let me finish a full fucking sentence before."

I never said he’d been to prison…
…I just said he’d spent a lot of time behind bars…

Why can athletes lift more than prisoners?

Because the pros outweigh the cons.

What is a prisoner’s favorite punctuation?

A period.

Why?

Because it marks the end of a sentence.

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail, but apparently you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.

I was in prison and my cellmate told me to look out for 'one-eyed Bill'.

"Why?" I asked "Is he dangerous?"

He said "No. He just keeps bumping into people".

What flavour is the toothpaste in jail?
Imprisonmint.

My neighbor is a musician who is currently serving time in jail. His wife is waiting for his next release.

That awkward silence when prison inmates are playing monopoly and somebody picks up the 'get out of jail free' card.

I hate shower sex.
It's slippery, awkward, and one of the worst things about prison.

My favourite saying is better out than in which is probably why I lost my job as a prison guard.

Don't date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.

What's the difference between a jailer and a jeweler?
One sells watches and the other watches cells.

You are allowed to send e-mails to people in prison...
as long as you don't attach a file.