Hilarious coffee and coffeeshop jokes !

My dentist said my teeth were stained. He asked, "Do you smoke or drink coffee?".
I said, "I drink it".

- Honey, this coffee tastes like dirt.
- That’s not surprising, dear, it was just ground this morning.

Sure I drink eight glasses of water a day
(after they've been run through some coffee grounds and filtered).

I just got my new credit card and all I can buy with it is coffee.
Its an American Espresso card..

My dentist said my teeth were stained. He asked, "Do you smoke or drink coffee?".
I said, "I drink it".

I was in Starbucks today and ordered a coffee and the barista asked I’d like a little room for milk. I said I already have a little room for milk. It’s called a fridge.

What did one coffee say to the other before they went out? Let’s stir up some fun.

If your morning is not going according to plan, you've got to learn to just latte be.

The defendant in a coffee theft trial refused to testify on the grounds that could incriminate him.

One cup asks another if he wants to see which once can hold most coffee. The other says, "no, that's a mug's game".

So my mate asked me: "Why do you keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge?"
I said: "It's in case someone wants a black coffee".

Before I have a dangerous coffee, I like to have safe tea first.

Me to wife:
So, according to the Bible, who in the relationship should make coffee?
Wife: No idea since I don't drink the stuff.
Me: Well there's a whole book devoted to this. He Brews.
Wife: Oh no you didn't.

The wife's coffee was so bad this morning,
it was grounds for divorce!

What do you call a coffee on a train?
An expresso!

I was up
In court this morning for theft of coffee. I got off.
Luckily I had a good barista.

A lot of people tell me when they drink coffee they can't sleep.

I have the same problem but the other way around, when I sleep I can't drink coffee.

Where did Nikolai Romanov get his coffee?
Tsarbucks.

If coffee and tea get married
And the tea leaves
Does coffee have grounds for divorce?

It took 20 minutes for the barista to fill my order!
But I figured… better latte than never…

What did the Terminator say after he got his coffee?

Hasta barista baby.

If you bump your head on a coffeemaker, does it leave a brews?

My body is just a filter.

Coffee goes in, sarcasm comes out.

Why should u buy a WiFi enabled espresso machine?
To get the latest Java updates.

My wife texted me to say she changed her mind and didn’t want Starbucks, but by then it was two latte.

Drinking coffee may reduce the chances of getting Alzheimer’s
Never heard that one before.

A man says to his waiter, ‘Excuse me sir, this coffee is cold’
The waiter replies, ‘Thanks for telling me. I’ll make a note on the bill. Iced coffee is one Euro more’.

How is sex like a coffee shop?
The whip costs extra, but it's totally worth it.

Heard about the terrorists attack on the coffee shop?
100% arabica.

To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot.
I don’t know how you sleep at night.

My dentist said my teeth were stained and then asked me "Do you smoke or drink coffee?"
I said ... "I drink it".

How do you pay for coffee in Russia?
With tsar bucks.

Why do brits stir coffee clockwise and italians do it anticlockwise?
To dissolve the sugar.

A man walks into a diner and orders a coffee without cream.
A moment later, the waitress returns and says, "I'm sorry, but we're all out of cream. Would you mind taking your coffee without milk?"

The best thing about quitting coffee for good...
...is how great coffee tastes when you start drinking it again.

I was lonely until I glued a coffee cup on top of my car.
Now everyone waves at me.

A man is arrested late at night for drinking coffee...
He was charged for resisting a rest.

Before coffee....Hating everybody.
After coffee.....Feeling great about hating everybody.

I like my men how I like my coffee...
Extremely hot and capable of severely injuring my throat.

People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.

What currency can we use to buy coffee in space?
S T A R B U C K S.

A guy walks into a cafe and orders a coffee to go.
The coffee gets up and leaves.

A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drinks coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”

What kind of sugar does Lady Gaga use in her coffee?
Raw raw raw raw raw.

What do you call the first level of a coffee factory?
The ground floor.

Every morning, I see this exhausted woman who looks like she would murder someone for a cup of coffee.
I really should move that mirror.

I’m about to have a dangerous cup of coffee…
Safe tea first, though.

What did the Brazilian coffee say to the Indonesian coffee?
“What’s Sumatra with you?”

A factory worker died today after falling into a vat of coffee. Police say that although it came as a shock to all who knew him, they may take some relief from the fact he didn’t suffer.
It was instant.

What’s the technical name for a pot of coffee at work?
Break fluid.

What do you call it when you walk into a cafe you’re sure you’ve been to before?
Déjà brew.

How does one bad cup of coffee end a marriage?
One person think its grounds for divorce.

Someone stole my coffee cup from work today.
I’m just off down the police station now to look at a few mug shots.

Why are all Jewish men required to make a good cup of coffee?
Because according to the Torah, He Brews!