Career Jokes: Adding a Dash of Fun to Your Professional Life.

"To build a career, turn your ability into credibility."

After a long career my Spanish teacher retired.

Au revoir.

Chemistry is like my acting career, sometimes it's explosive and other times it just fizzles out.
- Lindsay Lohan

A magician wanted a new change of career. So he decided to go from magic tricks to... wait for it - elec-tricks

My uncle was a firefighter. He just retired after an extinguished career.

The U2 spy plane took many pictures during its military career.
But it still hasn’t found what it’s looking for.

If my career in balloon animals doesn't work, I'll start a honey farming company.
It's my Plan Bee.

My dad wants me to change careers and become a sound technician. But I don’t one two.

My career plan is to become a great wit.
I am already 50% of the way there.

After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.

A dentist and a manicurist argued about their respective career choices. They fought tooth and nail.

Did you hear about the retired World War II vet who later became a dentist and finished his working career in the
post office?
His tombstone epitaph said, “He fought, tooth and mail.”

A friend’s desire to always think outside the box ended his career as a goalkeeper.

Retired from a career as a repairman.
Now my income's no longer fixed.

My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5.

I think fights between career boxers and famous criminals would be entertaining. We could even make it fair, with different weight classes and everything.
We just need to weigh the Pros and Cons.

I just started a new job as a security guard in a kids playground.
Wife just warned me that my career is on the slide.

Why was Indiana Jones depressed? His career was in ruins.

My careers adviser asked me what job I'd like to do.
"Carpenter" I replied.
"Really, why?"
"Rainy days and Mondays always get me down."

After only 10 years in practice, our dentist retired. He said he was tired of the hole boring business. Said he didn’t want a career working in a filling station all day. We gave him a big plaque. He and his wife, Flossy, moved to Florida.

As I get older, I think of all the people I've lost along the way.

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me?

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

If your children are looking for a career, have them consider farming. There’s good money in that field.

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

Why were Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, and Nathan Drake depressed?
Their careers were in ruins.

Post on post-Post Malone's career and goals was postponed from posting by postal service.

What does a mumble rapper and a politician have in common?
Both of their careers depend on incomprehensible bullshit.

Singer Neil Diamond started his career as Neil Coal... He changed his name when the pressure got to him.

Apparently Snow White has taken up a new career as a judge. After all, she's the fairest of them all.

My careers officer said you'll never get a job staring out the window all day.
What did he know, I've been a lorry driver for nearly forty years.

A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!"
One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!!
The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!!
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform...... Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful......
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died!
The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw Arthur, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his Hoover !!!!!
Don't tell me you thought that Arthur became a feckin’ doctor!😂😂

David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin airport.
He notices the driver staring at him insistently in the rearview mirror.

After 5 minutes the taxi driver asks, “Ok. At least give me a hint"

David Beckham sighs and says “I had a brilliant career at Manchester United, married one of the Spice Girls and played for more than 100 times for England's national team. Enough?"

Driver replies: “No, you eejit! Where are we going??”

I recently got a job as a stripper. You could say my career is taking off.

Drugs do not ruin your career. Drug tests do.

I was thinking about a new career as a painter and decorator but there's an awful lot I need to brush up on.

Archaeologist: Someone whose career lies in ruins..

What did the dad say to his son when the son said he wanted to work with horses?

sounds like a stable career.

One agent stops by another agent's table to tell him the big news: "Nicolas Cage just died!" The second agent says nothing, then starts nodding. "Good career move."

Work vs Jail
In prison they spend the majority of their time in a 8’ x 10’cell.
At work, I spend most of my time in a 6’ x 6’ cube.
In prison they get three meals a day.
At work I only get a break for one meal and I have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work I get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
At work I must wear an ID badge at all times.
In prison they provide you with clothing with the ID conveniently sewn onto the clothes.
At work there is a dress standard but I must buy my own clothes.
In prison there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.
At work I must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors myself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for me.
In prison they can watch TV and play games.
At work I can get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they will pay my way through school to learn a new career and give me time to do it.
At work they will pay for my education but I must do it on my own time.
In prison they have exercise rooms that they allow you to use almost whenever you want.
At work we have an exercise room that you can use but it must be on your time.
In prison I can fall asleep on the job and no serious consequences comes from my actions.
At work if I fall asleep on the job I get put on the next RIF list.
In prison they ball and chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball and chained.
In prison you have full medical coverage with no deductibles.
At work, you get partial coverage and pay all the deductibles.
In prison all expenses are paid by the tax payer, with no work on their part.
At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then deduct the taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.