Office Laughs: Top Management Jokes for Business Banter.

At some point you will find someone who is obsessed with you and wants all your time. That person is your manager at work.

I started a management meeting by getting everyone to say 'Titanic' to each other, but they all just looked confused.

I guess it wasn't a very good ice breaker.

Noel Gallagher was sad to sell his private jet and as he walked away his manager saw Liam next to it celebrating his purchase.
Manager urged Noel away saying "don't look back in hangar."

Management need to realize that I can either attend meetings, or I can get my work done. I can't do both.

Dieting could also be considered
"Waist management "

When I became manager, I set the bar real high. Now my employees have to reach extra hard to get the booze.

Why are vampires very bad product managers? Because they refuse to meet with stake holders.

So I went into a shoe shop today and asked to see a pair of loafers.
The salesperson brought down the general manager and the chief accountant.

Our sales manager wants us to sell amplifiers and speakers below cost.
He thinks we can just make it up with volume.

A Frenchman staying at a hotel in England calls room service and asks for some pepper.
"What kind of pepper would you like? Black pepper, white pepper, red pepper?" asks the manager.
He replied "Toilette pepper!"

Worker's Dilemma Law (Management's Put-Down Law):
No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.
What you don't do is always more important than what you do do.

Wolf's Law of Management: The tasks to do immediately are the minor ones; otherwise, you'll forget them. The major ones are often better to defer. They usually need more time for reflection. Besides, if you forget them, they'll remind you.

Walters's Law of Management: If you're already in a hole, there's no use to continue digging.

Spark's Ten Rules for the Project Manager:

Strive to look tremendously important.
Attempt to be seen with important people.
Speak with authority; however, only expound on the obvious and proven facts.
Don't engage in arguments, but if cornered, ask an irrelevant question and lean back with a satisfied grin while your opponent tries to figure out what's going on -- then quickly change the subject.
Listen intently while others are arguing the problem. Pounce on a trite statement and bury them with it.
If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.
Obtain a brilliant assignment, but keep out of sight and out of the limelight.
Walk at a fast pace when out of the office -- this keeps questions from subordinates and superiors at a minimum.
Always keep the office door closed. This puts visitors on the defensive and also makes it look as if you are always in an important conference.
Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."

Truth 5.1 of Management: Organizations always have too many managers.

Truths of Management:

Think before you act; it's not your money.
All good management is the expression of one great idea.
No executive devotes effort to proving himself wrong.
Cash in must exceed cash out.
Management capability is always less than the organization actually needs.
Either an executive can do his job or he can't.
If sophisticated calculations are needed to justify an action, don't do it.
If you are doing something wrong, you will do it badly.
If you are attempting the impossible, you will fail.
The easiest way of making money is to stop losing it.

The first Myth of Management: It exists.

Heller's Myths of Management: The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill.
Corollary (Johnson): Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within your organization.

Dennis's Principles of Management by Crisis:

To get action out of management, it is necessary to create the illusion of a crisis in the hope it will be acted upon.
Management will select actions or events and convert them to crises. It will then over-react.
Management is incapable of recognizing a true crisis.
The squeaky hinge gets the oil.

Ciardi's Poetry Law: Whenever in time, and wherever in the universe, any man speaks or writes in any detail about the technical management of a poem, the resulting irascibility of the reader's response is a constant.

Boyle's Laws:
When things are going well, someone will inevitably experiment detrimentally.
The deficiency will never show itself during the dry runs.
Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know.
An original idea can never emerge from committee in the original.
When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform perfectly.
The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by the paper clip of the overlying correspondence and go to file.
Success can be insured only by devising a defense against failure of the contingency plan.
Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects.
If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges.
The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting.
Talent in staff work or sales will recurringly be interpreted as managerial ability.
The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his subordinates' premonitions only during the postmortems.
Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce multiple interpretations.
On successive charts of the same organization the number of boxes will never decrease.

The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.

The first myth of management is that it exists.

Having sex before going to work makes you feel like a manager.
I almost fired my boss today.

An FBI agent was called in to speak to the manager of a bank that had been robbed three times in a row by the same guy.
He asked what kind of distinguishing things can you describe about this man? Height, weight, distinguishing tattoos, clothes?
The manager said, "what I noticed was that he seemed to be better dressed each time."

My company has just hired a new Customer Service manager named Helen Waite.

Now whenever customers have problems or complaints I just tell them to go to Helen Waite.

To err is human, but to blame it on someone else shows managerial potential!

Diner: “I refuse to eat this roast beef. Please call the manager!”

Waiter: “He won’t eat it either.”

Me: I put the “man” in “mannequin.”

Target Manager: I’m calling security.

Hotel manager: “I’m sorry sir, we don’t have a room vacant.” Guest: “Well look, if Prince Charles was coming, you’d have a room for him, wouldn’t you?” Hotel manager: “Well, yes sir, I suppose we would.” Guest: Well he’s not coming, so I’ll have his room”.

My friend is very excited to be hired as a branch manager at the local Christmas tree store…

To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

My company is offering a time management class I desperately need, but I can't work it into my schedule!

I just completed anger management training.
It really works.
Management is really pissed at me now!

Walked into a music shop and the manager said, “Good morning”. I said “You too”. He said, “Second aisle on the left”.

A company was downsizing and the HR Manager had to decide whether to retain Wendy or Jack. He first spoke to Jack and then called Wendy. He said, " I got a problem here Wendy, I either got to lay you or Jack off." Wendy burst out of the room screaming, "you better play with yourself buster 'cos I gotta headache!!!".

The State of California is reducing management "bloat" by merging departments...

The Highway Patrol and the Department of Fish & Wildlife will soon merge to become the Department of Fish & CHiPs.

TWELVE COMMANDMENTS FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.
#2 - “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.
#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing
you off.
#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots
that needs work.
#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don't need to write that
down. I'll remember it.”
#6 - “On time” is when you get there.
#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound.
#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for
ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
#9 - Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.
#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.
#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will.
. . . And one more: “One for the road” means peeing before you leave the
house.

When my Dad was unemployed he used to hide money in the bushes in our garden...

He went on to become a successful hedge fund manager.

Where does an angry sailor go? Anchor management.

I was called into my manager's office today because of my dress code.
He said, "You can't wear pyjamas for work."
I said, "Everyone else does."
He said, "That's because they're patients."

I was screaming at my wardrobe last night, i really need to sort out my hanger management.

Did you hear about the pirate that got upset every time his ship floated away...
...he had to take anchor management classes!

My bank manager just called and said my account was outstanding.

Which was nice of him.

I was having breakfast in a cafe this morning and two waitresses had a massive row over how long to leave a teabag in the cup and it got so bad it ended up in violence.
I asked the manager what had happened and he told me it had been brewing for ages.

A restaurant has a challenge: "We will give $500 to any customer whose order we can not fill"
One day, a man sees this sign and decides to take them up on it. So when gets seated, he tells the waitress that he wants an elephant testicle on rye bread.

She dutifully takes his order back to the kitchen. A few seconds later he could hear all hell breaking loose in the kitchen: there's people shouting, swearing, pots and pans banging. A few minutes later, the manager comes out with $500 in hand.

"You really got us," he says, "this is the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread."

I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no.
Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

Got a job working for a Lumber Company. After they cut the trees down for the main logs, I have to go in and gather up all the smaller pieces of the tree that broke off when it fell... I'm the Branch Manager!

I thought about becoming an arborist, but I realised I'd only ever be a branch manager.

After going to the trouble of buying dinner for two, wine, flowers and chocolate, I would have thought that getting a blowjob would be the least I could expect...

Apparently not, and the checkout girl even called the manager!

I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no.

Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

A Project Manager is someone who THINKS nine women can have a baby in ONE month...

A man and his wife go on holiday and find a hotel for the night.
When they find one, the manager says they're welcome to stay there but it costs £100 each for the night.

That's a bit outside their budget so they politely turn it down and ask if there's anywhere cheaper in the area.

The manager says "Yes, in fact there is a hotel just up the road and it's only £25 each, but I'll warn you now, there have been many reports of the building being haunted".

The couple don't think anything of it and make their way to the cheaper hotel and when they get there they pay the £25 each and ask the manager about the reported hauntings.

The manager says "Ah that's a load of rubbish! I've been here 300 years and never seen anything!"

Salesperson: “This computer will cut your workload by 50%.”
Office manager: “That’s great! I’ll take two of them.”

A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash.
As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, but he notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again.

Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash.

Shocked, the manager runs over and says "Mister is there a problem - is there anything I can help you with?"
The blind man calmly replies "No thanks - I'm just looking around."

Father-in-law = Near halfwit
Funeral = Real Fun
Garbage Man = Bag Manager
Graduation = Out in a drag!
Heavy Rain? = Hire a Navy!

Dating these days as a Karen is hard, all of my dates act like teenagers.
What I is need is a MANager!

Why did the rapper never go into the steakhouse?
Because he had beef with the manager.

How do you find a good small-cap fund manager?
Find a good large-cap fund manager, and wait.

What’s a perfect example of poor management? A prostitute getting pregnant.

I went to get my hair cut yesterday, but there were so many in front of me. After an hour the manager started to hand out sausages and burgers as an apology for the long wait. It was the best barber queue ever.

Why did Karen complain to the store manager about her photocopier?
She didn't like its tone.

An anti-vaxxer, an entitled woman, and a Karen walk into a bar
She demands to speak to the manager.

Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete?
She wanted to see the task manager.

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately
Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this labs nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches, and healing crystals all my life, and they never let me down. Now, will you do things my way or do I need to talk to the hospital management?

Doctor: Sure, sure, lady. We'll do things your way. Does an astrology-based approach work for you?

Karen: That's better! Of course it would!

Doctor: What's your birth sign?

Karen: Cancer.

Doctor: Well what a fucking coincidence.

2 drunks go to a brothel. The Madam takes a look, and says to manager "put inflatable dolls in 2 bedrooms, the guys are too drunk to notice". On the walk home one guy says " I think my girl was dead, she never moved or made sound". The second guy says " I think mine was a witch." "Why you think that?" "well, I bit her ass, she farted in my face and then flew out of the freaking window!"

If a Karen were to ask for the manager, and the manager also happens to be a Karen, who would win?

My boss fired me for being on Twitter at work
I don't think he understands how a social media manager works...

A business organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs, at different levels in the business, some climbing up others down.
The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but management assholes.

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
'Actually, no,' he replied.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?'
Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.
Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap , or paper towels in the ladies room.

Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.

Manager: Why would you make a good waiter at my restaurant?
Me: I bring a lot to the table. 👨‍💼

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. "Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says, "$101,237.64." Boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing"