Lawyer Jokes: Representing hilarity in the court of comedy!

What do lawyers wear to work?

Law suits...

The lawyer left his briefs at home. He felt very exposed.

What do judges wear? A lawsuit.

They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away.
Does anyone know a fruit that works on lawyers?

A guy walks into a tavern and shouts "All lawyers are assholes"
Another guy at the end of the bar says "You better watch what you say around here, buddy"
"Why? you a lawyer?"
"No, I'm an asshole."

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

This guy stepped in front of a bus. He lost both legs. He was going to sue, but he didn’t have a leg to stand on.

Q: Why don't sharks eat lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Judge: how do you plead?

Me: usually on my knees with a little sobbing.

The economy is so bad that the Mafia is starting to lay off judges.

When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

I was rude to an old man in a stupid wig this morning.

He had the last laugh though, he sentenced me to three years.

My background is in law. I can make anything your fault.

If you can't get a lawyer that knows the law, at least get one that knows the judge!

Talk is cheap, unless you are talking to a lawyer.

Did you know that 99%of lawyers give the rest a bad name?

There was a young attorney named Justin Case. Just in case you didn't know the first case he tried was prosecuting a man that stole a suitcase.

Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes".
Man: "I wish for a world without lawyers".
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes".
Man: "But you said 3".
Genie: "Sue me!"

A will is a dead giveaway!

A lawyer is trying to call his clients. The phone rings and a little boy, in a whisper, says, ” Hello”
Lawyer: “Is your mommy there?”
Boy: (whispers) “Yes.”
Lawyer: “Can I speak to her?”
Boy: (whispers) “She’s very busy.”
Lawyer: “Is your daddy there?”
Boy: (whispers) “Yes.”
Lawyer: “Can I speak to him?”
Boy: (whispers) “No, He’s very busy.”
Lawyer: “Is there anyone else there?”
Boy: (whispers) “Yes, the fire department.”
Lawyer: “Can I talk to one of them?”
Boy: (whispers) “No, They’re busy too.”
Lawyer: “Is there anybody ELSE there?”
Boy: (whispers) “The police department.”
Lawyer: “Well, can I talk to one of them?”
Boy: (whispers) “No, They’re busy too.”
Lawyer: “Let me get this straight, your mother, father, the fire department and the police department are all in your house, and they are all busy. What are they doing?”
Boy: (whispers) “They are all looking for me.”

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

Appearing in court today was a thief who stole a lorry load of elastic bands. The judge sent him down for a long stretch.

boss: you’re fired

me: just because I ended that story with “and they all lived happily ever after”?!

boss: like I told you before, they’re not stories, they’re wills

I alcoholic uncle never became a lawyer because he could never pass the bar.

I wonder if lawyers for Hershey's have to take a bar exam?

Do U2's lawyers work pro bono ?

What did the judge say to the dentist?
Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?

My lawyer friend quit his job to work in a restaurant. Now he's a sue chef.

Q: Why can't you prosecute someone for stealing 23 cans of beer?
A: You won't have a case.

Where there’s a will, there’s someone wanting to be in it.

I’m a doctor and getting annoyed because I’ve gotta share my office with a High Court judge. She’s trying my patients.

In a local trial, an ophthalmologist was called to testify because she was the only eyewitness.

Paddy is in court,and after an 8 day trial he suddenly pleads guilty.The judge says,"Why didn't you just plead guilty at first and save the court all this wasted time and money?"
Paddy says,"I thought I was innocent until I heard all of the evidence."

What do judges wear?
Lawsuits.

Judge: “Can’t you settle this out of court?”
Defendant: “That’s what we were doing when the police interfered.”

Judge said keep an eye on these two. They are the famous Wright brothers. They are a flight risk.

I went to court today, The judge asked,
"Have you ever been up before me?"
I said "Not sure, what time do you get up?"

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A father-in-law.

How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

Why was the lawyer home early? Briefcase.

If a deaf person is summoned to court is it still called a hearing?

"Dad, what's the difference between a Barrister and a Barista?"
"About £900 an hour son".

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man. "OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer. "But it's only $500," replied the man. "Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"

What did the judge say to the dentist?

I want the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.

A guy asked a girl in a university library:
"Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl replied with a loud voice:
"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said:
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy then responded with a loud voice:
“$500 FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT'S TOO MUCH!”
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy
whispered in her ear:
"I study law, and I know how to screw people".

Had my luggage torn to pieces, so I asked my lawyer if I could sue the airline. He said, “you don’t have much of a case”.

I appeared in court this morning.

The Judge was very impressed with my magic trick.

What does a lawyer wear to work? A lawsuit!

Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Lawyer: "I'm not saying another word without my lawyer present."
Police: "But you are the lawyer"
Lawyer: "Exactly, where's my present?"

After grandpa died, I found out I’d only get my inheritance if I got below 200 lbs. I guess where there’s a will, there’s a weigh.

They say "if there's a will there's a way", but I say if there's a will there are relatives you never knew you had....

A cardiac patient with end-stage heart disease was informed that he
needed an immediate heart transplant operation.

The heart surgeon told him, "You can have a doctor’s
heart for $10,000 dollars or a Rabbi’s heart for $25,000
dollars or I can give you a lawyer’s heart for $100,000 dollars."

The patient asked, "Why is the lawyer’s heart so much
more expensive than the others?" "

Well," replied the surgeon, "we have to go through a lot
of lawyers to find a heart."

Q: What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?
A: The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
A: The pronunciation.

Q: What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?
A: Taller.

Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad.
A: Senator.

Q: What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
A: Not enough cement.

Q: What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
A: They're both extinct.

Q: What are lawyers good for?
A: They make used car salesmen look good.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.

Q: How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
A: They both look good hanging from a tree.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?
A: One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.

Q: What' the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.

Q: Why did God invent lawyers?
A: So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
A: Your Honor.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50
A: Senator.

Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
A: Lipstick.