Laugh Your Way Through Tax Season with These Hilarious Jokes.

CLIMITARD /'klimit'tard/ NOUN: A PERSON THAT BELIEVES THE CLIMATE CAN BE CHANGED BY PAYING A TAX TO THE GOVERNMENT.

Climate change is a scam to tax everything you do and keep you poor forever.

If you want less success, tax it.
If you want more poverty, fund it.

Your tax rate is your slave rate.

The biggest scam in life is paying taxes on the money we make, paying taxes on money we spend, and taxes on things we own, that we already paid taxes on, with already taxed money.

The lottery system is a voluntary tax on stupid people who don't understand statistics.

Taxes history: During the reign of Edward III (1327-77), the citizens of Norwich had to pay the king 24 herring pies a year.

Climate change is a scam to tax everything you do and keep you poor forever.

The government is a huge Mafia that launders your tax money right back to themselves through foreign aid and endless wars.

The biggest scam in life is paying taxes on the money we make, paying taxes on money we spend, and taxes on things we own, that we already paid taxes on, with already taxed money.

You don't pay an income tax if you don't have an income.

We pay tax on items we purchase with money we earn that has already been taxed.

The power to tax is the power to steal with impunity.

If an individual robber shouldn't have that power, neither should the state.

State badges and credentials don't moralize theft.

Roses are red.
Bacon is savory.
The U.S. Tax code is legalized slavery.

We pay tax on items we purchase with money we earn that has already been taxed.

Did my taxes on Valentines Day

It was the only way I was getting fucked today.

Property tax is paying rent to the government.

We pay tax on items we purchase with money we earn that has already been taxed.

I set up a booth at our local mall where I tie people’s shoelaces for them. Next year I’ll file taxes as a knot for profit organization.

Long's Notes:

Always store beer in a dark place.
Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then do it.
If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion.
It has long been known that one horse can run faster than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial.
A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.
Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
A generation which ignores history has no past -- and no future.
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
History does not record anywhere at any time a religion that has any rational basis. Religion is a crutch for people not strong enough to stand up to the unknown without help. But, like dandruff, most people do have a religion and spend time and money on it and seem to derive considerable pleasure from fiddling with it.
It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
Of all the strange "crimes" that human beings have legislated out of nothing, "blasphemy" is the most amazing -- with "obscenity" and "indecent exposure" fighting it out for second and third place.
It's better to copulate than never.
Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks.
It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
Never appeal to a man's "better nature". He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
Avoid making irrevocable decisions while tired or hungry.
An elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.
A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes. This may be the purpose of the universe.
Stupidity cannot be cured with money, or through education, or by legislation. Stupidity is not a sin; the victim can't help being stupid. But stupidity is the only universal capital crime; the sentence is death, there is no appeal, and execution is carried out automatically and without pity.
God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent. It says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks, please. Cash and in small bills.
Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she is not.
In a family argument, if it turns out you are right, apologize at once.
To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
Does history record any case in which the majority was right?
Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
Expertise in one field does not carry over into other fields. But experts often think so. The narrower their field of knowledge the more likely they are to think so.
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmills.
Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it's none of my business, but . . . " is to place a period after the word "but". Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about.
A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being "frank".
Natural laws have no pity.
You can go wrong by being too skeptical as readily as by being too trusting.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Climate is what we expect; weather is what we get.
Pessimist by policy, optimist by temperament -- it is possible to be both. How? By never taking an unnecessary chance and by minimizing risks you can't avoid. This permits you to play out the game happily, untroubled by the certainty of the outcome.
"I came, I saw, SHE conquered." (The original Latin seems to have been garbled.)
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
Don't try to have the last word. You might get it.

Lani's Principles of Economics:
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
$100 placed at 7% interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will increase to more than $100,000,000 by which time it will be worth nothing.
In God we trust; all others pay cash.

You know what's the difference between a housewife and a politician?
The housewife thinks about doing her taxes while having sex.
The politician thinks about having sex while spending your taxes.

I've got a great idea for tax evasion.
Apparently if you don't pay your taxes the government will give you free housing, free food and a roommate.

Me: I just cannot get the hang of this common core math.
IRS: sir this is tax fraud.

I will fuck you harder than the tax man.

~ Me flirting

My tax advisor told me to put something away for a rainy day. I've bought an umbrella.

My buddy who works for the IRS says he can conduct three audits simultaneously. He says it’s because he knows how to multitax.

The IRS has made a major announcement. All Cannabis dealers must file a joint tax return.

How do you donate money to Taliban ?
Just pay taxes in the USA.

My tax advisor borrowed six books now and not given any of them back. I think he’s a professional bookkeeper.

Why are Sherlock Holmes taxes so low? He's a master of deduction.

We pay taxes on money we earn to pay taxes on money we spend.

Just ordered a DVD called: “How To Never Pay Tax Again”.
Only cost £7.99 (plus VAT).

My local tax office is a lovely place to work. Everybody counts.

Just ordered a book called: “How To Never Pay Tax Again”.
Only cost £7.99 (plus VAT).

If cigarette tax is to discourage smoking, is income tax to discourage working?

A fine is a tax when you’ve been doing something wrong. A tax is a fine you get when you’ve been doing something right.

You can tell Monopoly is an old game...
...because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.

Congress does some strange things. They put a high tax on liquor and then raises the other taxes that drive people to drink. 🍾

A fine is a tax for doing wrong... and a tax is a fine for doing well.

Work vs Jail
In prison they spend the majority of their time in a 8’ x 10’cell.
At work, I spend most of my time in a 6’ x 6’ cube.
In prison they get three meals a day.
At work I only get a break for one meal and I have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work I get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
At work I must wear an ID badge at all times.
In prison they provide you with clothing with the ID conveniently sewn onto the clothes.
At work there is a dress standard but I must buy my own clothes.
In prison there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.
At work I must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors myself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for me.
In prison they can watch TV and play games.
At work I can get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they will pay my way through school to learn a new career and give me time to do it.
At work they will pay for my education but I must do it on my own time.
In prison they have exercise rooms that they allow you to use almost whenever you want.
At work we have an exercise room that you can use but it must be on your time.
In prison I can fall asleep on the job and no serious consequences comes from my actions.
At work if I fall asleep on the job I get put on the next RIF list.
In prison they ball and chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball and chained.
In prison you have full medical coverage with no deductibles.
At work, you get partial coverage and pay all the deductibles.
In prison all expenses are paid by the tax payer, with no work on their part.
At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then deduct the taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.