Retire with a Smile: Your Go-To Source for Retirement Jokes.

My retirement plan involves getting hit by a car.

After a long career my Spanish teacher retired.

Au revoir.

Mosher's Law: It's better to retire too soon than too late.

McClaughry's Law of Public Policy: Politicians who vote huge expenditures to alleviate problems get re-elected; those who propose structural changes to prevent problems get early retirement.

My uncle was a firefighter. He just retired after an extinguished career.

The problem with retirement is...

You never get a day off.

The local lariat maker just retired. He finally got to the end of his rope.

The rapper Jay Z has retired. Changed his name to Lazy...

My bike has a flat. I guess I'll have to retire it.

I am retired in the sense that I was tired yesterday and I am tired again.

Why couldn't anyone understand the retired perfume maker?

Because he no longer made scents.

Pete the serial flasher has decided not to retire.

Says he's going to stick it out for another year.

Did you hear about the retired World War II vet who later became a dentist and finished his working career in the
post office?
His tombstone epitaph said, “He fought, tooth and mail.”

A clown decided to retire and hand over the business to his son. His son said, ‘I don’t know dad, those are big shoes to fill’.

What did they call Postman Pat after he retired?
Pat.

Retired from a career as a repairman.
Now my income's no longer fixed.

A elderly woman and an elderly man were at a retirement home The man was shuffling a deck of cards for a card game The man asks "Is it your first time?" The woman replies “It’s been a while since a man has asked me that.”

After only 10 years in practice, our dentist retired. He said he was tired of the hole boring business. Said he didn’t want a career working in a filling station all day. We gave him a big plaque. He and his wife, Flossy, moved to Florida.

I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris, but it turns out that idea was taken.
I had another idea for one where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

I told my friend that I had finally retired my aging car. He asked if I'd sold it or scrapped it..
I said nothing that drastic, I just put a new set of Michelins on it.

What’s postman Pat going to call himself when he retires?

Pat.

What did the Michelin man do when he got too old to work?
He retired!

The Hunchback of Notre Dame retired today.
He received two years back pay, a lump sum, and a case of Bells.

What did the Michelin man do when he got too old to work?
He retired!

The automobile tire installer finally retired.

The automobile tire installer finally retired.

A group of retirees meets in a Tel Aviv coffeehouse to discuss the world's many problems. One of them shocks his friends by announcing:
- "I'm an optimist."
-"Then why do you look so worried?"
- "You think it's easy to be an optimist?"

Anybody else on here having problems receiving payments from retired Nigerian millionaires ?

What do you call a retired shrink ?
A shrunk.

How many millennials does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't know, the baby boomer that has the job now can't retire because they never saved anything and millennials all have LED lights that last longer.

My broker and I are working on a retirement plan. Unfortunately, it's his!

After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means...
...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50.

Two retired English teachers were sitting on their beach chairs at the seaside. One of them asked, "Have you read Marx?" His friend replied, "Yes, I think it's from these wicker chairs!"

Why did the doughnut maker retire? He was tired of the hole business!

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada.

After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.

After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall.

He asks the barman, "What the heck is that?"

The barman says, "It's a Moose."

The Scottish chap says, "Good God! How big are the cats?"

Did you hear? Dracula retired and he's writing poetry now. That's right-
He went from bat to verse.

A Doctor while examining an old retired Army vet, "when was the last time you had sex?"
with a long pause the vet replies."1955 i believe"
Doctor: "Whoa! Its been a long while then ?"
Vet: Its only 20:15 right now?

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

Years ago I retired. I got tired of retirement so I went back to work. Then I reretired. Now I'm retired of retirement.

Somebody stole my car tyres.
Now it's not working, it must be retired.

I just retired from 30 years of being a trampoline salesman. Looking back, there's been so many ups and downs.

The man who makes the giant eclairs at our local patisserie retires next month.
Whoever replaces him has some big chouxs to fill.

Did you hear about the flasher who was going to retire?
He decided to stick it out for another year.

What do gardeners do when they retire?

An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered. They found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved "I love you, Sally".
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said,: "We've got to give it back."
Sally said: "Finders keepers."
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers, who were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
Sally said: "No."
Jerry said: "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said: "Don't believe him, he’s getting senile."
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Jerry said: "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .."
The first police officer turned to his partner and said: "Let’s get out of here."

To prepare for my retirement, I’ve been investing heavily in the stock market. I have beef, chicken and turkey.

I’m hoping to retire a bouillonaire.

Do you think when Sting retires he'll change his name to Stung ? 🤓