Money Jokes Galore: A Comedic Twist on Wealth and Fortune.

The lack of money is the root of all evil.

Mark Twain

"Money doesn't buy happiness"
Well, poverty doesn't buy anything.

Money doesn't buy happiness..

Unless you spend it on whisky.

“Being poor is only romantic in books.”
― Sidney Sheldon, Rage of Angels

Money does buy happiness, if you earned it.

A man doesn’t care about a woman’s money as long as she’s loyal.

A woman doesn’t care about a man’s loyalty as long as he’s rich.

"You want to be rich and anonymous, not poor and famous."

Broke men act rich to attract women.

Rich men act poor to test women.

We all appreciate money puns — let’s be franc.

I only accept apologies in cash.

Irish archaeologists have unearthed a tomb full of coins.

Crypt o'currency.

The trouble with counterfeiting banknotes is you can't make any real money.

There are countless more important things in life than money — if you have enough money.

"How poor are you"
Me: I owe money to myself

Money may not make me happy, but the freedom it will bring, definitely will.

"Gold is the money of kings; silver is the money of gentlemen; barter is the money of peasants; debt is the money of slaves."
~ Norm Franz

If money is the source of all sins,
Then I’m a motherfucking saint.

What's a guy doing when he's donating sperm for money?
A nut job.

Trying to get a bank loan from Dubai. Heard they have really good EMIrates.

If you're withdrawing money from an ATM at one am, it's NOT going to charity

If you're withdrawing money from an ATM at one am, for charity, that's the stripper's name.

Does a sand dollar count as a form of curren-sea?

I used to collect pennies in a jar. But there were so many of them that I had to upgrade to an urn. So a penny saved was a penny urned.

My credit card is like a stripper.
There isn't much on it.

There’s only one thing worse than inflation. Your finger going through the toilet paper.

A woman spent 35 years working for a bank. She was recently made
redundant and hasn't coped very well. She now spends her days
outside the branch using the ATM over and over again.
She's suffering from withdrawal symptoms.

I was thinking about buying a race horse but I really couldn’t pony up that much cash.

Always return borrowed money...

even money hates to be a loan.

I saw this really cute girl at the bank. But she was flirting with some other guy. Really lowered my interest rate.

I saw an ad touting "less time traveling" as a benefit of online banking.
I don't think I can time travel any less than I do now.

So I'm gonna quit my job and travel the world until I run out of money.
I estimate I'll be home again around 10pm this evening.

Our local financial institution invited me to open a savings account there.

Due to a lack of INTEREST, I decided not to….

Q: Why was Thor avoiding his brother?
A: He Odin money.

I've got a great idea for tax evasion.
Apparently if you don't pay your taxes the government will give you free housing, free food and a roommate.

Difference between cheating on your wife and on the taxman?
If you get caught, the taxman will still want to screw you!!!

me: what do you do?

woman: i give fortunes

me: i love getting a lot of money.

woman: no I’m a fortune teller

me: i love withdrawing a lot of money.

The Earth *was* flat until the invention of money, which made the world go round.

What does an accountant sleep under?

A balance sheet.

Two incomes are better than one so make sure he has two jobs. Follow me for more financial freedom advice.

I’m never again donating money to anyone collecting for a marathon.

They just take the money and run!

Me: I'd like to open one of those joint accounts please.
Bank: With whom?
Me: Whomever has lots of money.

Change is hard.
Ever tried to bend a coin?

If u need money or any financial help, feel free to text me, we’ll beg together.

I want to buy a pillow made with 100% goose feathers

I hope I can afford the down payment...

I'm saving up for a rainy day. So far, I've got an Umbrella and a Poncho.

Money is just a tool to buy time.

Being poor is not bad. You know what's bad?
Acting like a rich one.

"Saving is the gap between your ego and your income."

The availability of money is not as important as the absence of debts.

My wife and I have divided opinions on who should pay. Looks like we have different purse pectives.

"Spending money to show people how much money you have is the fastest way to have less money."
- The Psychology of Money

"Expecting things to be bad is the best way to be pleasantly surprised when they’re not."

- The Psychology of Money

I found a coin on the street the other day, and it had teeth marks all over it.
It was a Bitcoin.

Just great!
…..The furnace is broken at my bank and my assets are frozen.

My tax advisor told me to put something away for a rainy day. I've bought an umbrella.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

I was meant to be rich, I can tell by the way I spend money.

I chuckle when I remember that my coins aren't moist.
Sorry, It's my dry cents of humor!

Money is not evil. It’s the love of money that holds people back.

I would go through many things for you. Let's start with your bank account

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

So back in June, I started saving 20 dollar bills for my Christmas shopping, by hiding them from myself in the freezer. Now I have "cold, hard cash" in a "frozen" investment.

My wallet is always the same, there's never any change in it.

Life insurance is something that helps keeps folks poor all their lives so they can die rich.

People growing up now will have no idea what those sounds are at the beginning of Pink Floyd’s “Money”.

MONEY > if it doesn't bring you happiness, it will at least help you be miserable in comfort...

I was meant to be rich, I can tell by the way I spend money.

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside.”

Managed to cut my insurance bill in half. Stil costs the same, just got carried away with some scissors.

Contrary to popular belief, money can buy Happiness.

However, that’s just
her stage name...

My fondest childhood memory is thinking that $100 is a lot of money.

"Always leave them wanting more" is my standard approach to paying bills.

My bank called and told me I had an outstanding balance.
I replied: "Thanks, I used to do gymnastics" and then hung up.

They say you've got to spend money to make money.

I feel like there's some middle step I've been missing?

The first million people who send me £1 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

Looking forward to the Fall, when I can make some serious money gathering leaves. Man, I raked it in last year

So I dropped a tenner today and chased it for miles.
I never caught it but at least I had a good run for my money!

Do you know why you can’t bend pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters?

Change is hard.

Q: How do you make a paradigm change?
A: Four nickels or 20 pennies!

The bank guy was pestering me to borrow money, I begged him to leave me a loan.