Famous Brands Jokes | Witty Quips for Your Favorite Labels.

If you ever feel foolish, remember that there are people out there who believe they are saving the planet by driving a Tesla.

My sex-life is like Coca Cola....

...first it was normal, then it was light and now it's zero!

Levi Strauss was a jeanius.

Ikea meatballs are made from the meat of people who cant find their way out of the store.

The taste of Coke out of an ice cold glass bottle is uncanny.

On a lighter note, I like Zippos.

Remember before Only Fans when your mom just sold Avon.

What happens if you have sex with a Mcdonalds employee and you make her squirt?
She charges you 25 cents for extra sauce.

I once impressed a woman with a bottle of lemonade.

Schwepped her off her feet.

Never give soy sauce to someone who falls. You shouldn't Kikkoman when he's down.

The fact that Head and Shoulders has not made a bodywash called Knees and Toes, really bothers me.

I said to my Doctor, "I've become a can of deodorant."
He said, "Are you sure?"

I replied, "No, I'm Lynx."

My Sex life is like Coca Cola,

It was classic then went on a diet, and now it’s zero.

I went into Victoria's Secret and asked the assistant if they sold satin underwear.

They advised me that EVERYTHING they sell is brand new!

Do you know why Avon ladies walk funny?
Their lipstick..

I’m feeling like the Michelin Man….
Tired!!!

I met a stripper with really nice Gucci clothes
Then I found out it was a ripoff.

Being a stripper is like working at McDonald's....
Covered in oil and questioning your choices after high school.

Don't order hay for your horse from Amazon or eBay.
After a couple of days they ask for your feed back.

My Wife found lipstick in my pocket, I told her straight up I was cheating, there was no way I was going to confess I sell AVON..

DOCTOR: Is this your stool sample?

IKEA SALESMAN: It's called a bekväm.

I’m reading a book about WD-40. It’s non-friction.

I went on Amazon to buy a new vacuum cleaner. I chose one and read the reviews. Most of them said, “This product really sucks!”
Now I’m confused.

And then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court. It was a...

...brief case.

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.

A man walks into a photography shop and asks for a lens cap for a Nikon. The chap behind the counter says "seems like a fair swap to me".

FUN Fact:
One hour of chewing gum can burn off the calories you gain from eating one Pringle.

Did you hear about the guy who fell into a vat of gum at the Wrigley’s factory?

His boss chewed him out!

There's a local tavern that sells Snickers.
It's a candy bar.

I just ate 10 whole Kinder eggs.
I'm just full of surprises.

Maxwell House, makers of roasted coffee is branching out and will begin manufacturing parachutes.
They will recycle their famous slogan.
Maxwell House parachutes they’re good till the last drop.

Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime-mates.

I don't use Listerine. They say it kills germs on contact and I don't like the idea of things dying in my mouth.

What job was the lobster hired for at Pizza Hut?

The crust station.

Heinz is making a new season salt. The winter salt is not great, but you will flip when you taste their summer salt.

Just heard that Ryanair lost 15 million last year.
I'm not sure whether that’s Euros or suitcases.

If Tesla made a gun, what would it be called?
Elon Musk-et.

I bought myself a new Husqvarna chainsaw yesterday. The price was so good it was basically a Stihl.

What do you name a scandal in the Colgate company?
Colgate.

I'm just saying if you put your hair in a bun...
McDonald's WILL fire you.

Viagra and Pepsi have teamed up to make a new drink. All i can say is it wont be a soft drink.

Went into a shop and said "can someone sell me that kettle?" The shop assistant said "Kenwood?" I said "Great, where is he?"

Just tried ringing Dyson because my vacuum isn't working properly and what a surprise, they aren’t picking up either.

Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.

I dunno about you but having some Kentucky Fried Chicken is definitely on my bucket list.

Q: What kind of shoes did the art teacher wear?
A: Sketchers!

Quit my job at Nike.
Just couldn't do it anymore.

Toblerones are the same size. It’s airports that are getting smaller.

I don't know who needs to know this but Kenwood, Sony, JVC and Pioneer are great...
stereotypes.

Why are Teslas so expensive?
Probably because they charge a lot.

There is a guy stealing iPhones around town. At some point he's going to face time.

We're taking a class trip to the Coke factory today. There better not be a pop quiz.

Did you hear about the big Lego sale?
People were lined up for blocks.

Why have a Rolex,
if you use it to count down the seconds until your shift is over?

My Doctor said I have very low blood pressure.
He gave me a prescription for 2 IKEA self assembly wardrobes.

The film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the F word 506 times.
I beat that record on the weekend, trying to put an Ikea chair together.

A Cadburys lorry and a Lego truck have collided on the motorway.
Police say the road is choc a block...

What's the devil's favorite mayonnaise?
Hellmann's.

I went to a garlic lovers convention.
It was a mo-Mentos occasion.

I am dissapointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."

What kind of shoes do chickens wear??
Reebokbok's.

I have just applied for a job at the citroen factory.
I had to send in 2 cv's

WalMart is giving away free school clothes to anyone that can outrun security.

Doctor, Doctor, I like your suit, where did you get it from?
NEXT!

I wrote a screen play about love in the time of Kotex.
It was a period piece.
No one would produce it. Bloody fools!

Jeff Bezos was in space for longer than the amount of time Amazon Warehouse employees are allowed to spend in the restroom.

Just my personal preference but Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soaps…

Every morning after waking up, the first thing that I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.

I just walked around
the new Ikea store.
It's a'Maze'ing.

Breaking news!

A mass fight has broken out in a petrol station

23 people arrested in TOTAL

I guess it makes sense for worship leaders to wear jeans.

In the Bible, the musicians at the Temple were all in the tribe of Levi's.

I've started giving random people names based on shops..

You could be Next.

A guy said he could repair my roof using boxes of Kleenex.
No wonder I have truss-tissues.

I said to my mum, did you get the sneakers i wanted? She said yes Addidas you asked.

Did you hear that Fruit of the Loom is going to take Hanes to court?
It'll be a brief case!

I saw a cat at Tesco buying 9 bags for life.

Why did one beer take his beer friend to school?
To make a *Bud-wiser*

My new smart phone can only play old Sam Cooke records like “Cupid” and “Another Saturday Night”.
That’s what I get for buying a Sam Sung.

When my wife goes into labor, should I just call Domino’s Pizza since they deliver?

Tried a new drink this morning .............Vodka & Listerine

Stops me being a foul mouthed bastard when i'm drunk ....