Husband and Wife Jokes: Marriage Humor to Share with Your Spouse.

My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it.
So I bought her a candle.

I got my spouse flowers and all I got in return was an allergic reaction.

Guns don't kill people. Husbands who come home early kill people.

My wife got upset when I told her to do laundry with lavender scented detergent her reaction proves that lavender doesn’t have any calming effect.

Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn't ask me to help with stuff.

Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I'm not beating her.

My wife asked me "what's the most annoying thing I do?" like I'm dumb enough to answer that question.

My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.

If during an argument your wife pulls out a knife, pull out a loaf of bread , her female instinct will kick in and she will make you a sandwich.

My wife said she wanted me to hurt her during sex, so I told her that her meatloaf was too salty.

Husband hires a hit man to kill his wife of 40 years. Hit man say's I will shoot her just below her left tit. Husband replies i want her dead not knee capped.

My wife’s a raver and keeps trying to get me into it. She won’t techno for an answer.

My wife told me I was incapable of http://multitasking. So I got drunk and embarrassed her at the same time.

Me: I stand here staring into the great abyss with fear and trepidation wondering about…..

My wife: we having sex or what?

Me: Honey, let's play doctor.
My wife: OK, I'll be the doctor.
Me: OK.
Wife: You owe me $3200.

I have a perfect understanding with my wife... I don't try to run her life, and I also don't try to run mine!

My wife bought me a new garden spade (so now I'll finally have a place to put my foot down)!

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I mismatch his socks.

I think my wife sells drugs?

As I was leaving the phone rang.

When I answered it the guy on the other end said has that dope gone yet?

The relationship between a husband and wife is psychological.One is psycho and the other is logical.

My wife says she loves to be wooed so now whenever we have date night I have to dress up as a ghost.

My wife bites her lip to look sexy……….

I just don’t have the heart to tell her you’re meant to bite the bottom lip.

For the first time in our marriage my wife
apologised to me.
She said “I'm sorry I even met you!”

After almost a year in a coma my wife is having to re learn the basics. Like how to walk, how to talk, how to feed herself, and how not to argue with me at the top of the stairs... again.

My Wife just called me a greedy pig.

I nearly choked on her dinner.

I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean onе thing... It’s laundry day.

My wife married me because she heard I was well off. After she got to know us she realized my whole family was a little off.

At a session with a marriage counsellor, the wife snapped at me: “That’s not true! I do enjoy sex!”

Then, turning to the counsellor, she said: “But this ANIMAL here expects it three or four times a year!”

His wife gave him an ultimatum. It was either her or his addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.

My wife told me she wanted a spa day for her birthday.
I'll tell her it's pronounced 'spade' when I give it to her tomorrow.

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side...
So I crashed the car, then I ignored her all day for no reason.

I drove my wife to the airport and dropped her off.

She got home 30 minutes later in a taxi and said, "What was that about?"

If anyone needs a New Year’s resolution, I can loan you one from the long list my wife gave me.

My wife does bird imitations. She always watches me like hawk.

My wife said I'm the worst whistler ever.

Or was it listener?

Me: "I've lost the dictionary."
Wife: "Can you look upstairs?"
Me: "I can't look up anything!"

My wife is my strength. All the other women are my weakness.

My wife was hoping to marry a man who was filthy rich. (At least she got half of what she wanted!)

Isn't it great finding your soulmate?
My wife: You'll be the first to know.

Husband: You know, you remind me of Christmas lights

Wife: Why, because I light up your life and bring you joy?

Husband: More like you are scattered all around the house and not working.

My wife asked me if I thought we needed new garden furniture. I'm sitting on the fence.

My wife Says to me, give it to me, I'm so WET, I SAID nope, this is my UMBRELLA

Wife:(on phone)"I forgot to tell you to get deodorant."
Him:"Ok, I'll make a...pit stop."
Her: 😐
Him: 😂!!!!

My wife of 30 years became a Nun.
Nun in the morning,
Nun in the afternoon & Nun at Night!!..

If my wife doesn't win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it's going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.

I ask my wife"what would you do if we won the lottery?
She said,"well I'd take my half,get a divorce and moved to Hawaii!"
I said" good news"as I handed her half of the $12.00 I just won on a scratch off. told her to stay in touch and enjoy her flight!

A woman walks into a gun shop. It’s for my husband,

the owner asks "Did he tell you what calibre to get?"

Are you joking? He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him!

My wife loves to be wooed so whenever we have a date night I have to dress up as a ghost.

I asked my wife to share the queen sized blanket we have on our bed. She said: I am under it, it is already at max capacity!

Renamed my wife San Marino because she kicks off every 10 minutes!

My wife and I got along fine till we bought a water bed

It was then we started drifting apart.

Turned up at the box office and asked for two tickets. "For Romeo and Juliet?" "No, for me and my wife".

-Honey! I broke a glass in the kitchen!
-I am coming with the broom.
-It ain't urgent. You can come on foot.

My wife always yells at me for not knowing how to properly season my food, but I don’t mind.
I take it with a pinch of sugar.

Doctor: "Your wife's in the hospital."
Me: "How is she?"
Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical."
Me: "Ah, you get used to that..."

My wife left me a note before leaving for work which read..

"Put washing on - do 2 hour cycle"

It took me 4 hours to buy a bike and ride home so didn't have time for the laundry.

When my husband goes out of town on business, I put dirty clothes all over our bedroom floor and leave half empty water bottles everywhere so I feel close to him.

Took my wife to the doctor for a suspicious spot between her breasts. Turns out it was just her belly button.

I thought I’d surprise my wife for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Oh.”

My husband says he doesn’t hold on to the past but there’s an old coffee can filled with screws that suggests otherwise.

My wife gave me an obstacle course for my birthday and I still haven’t got over it.

MY WIFE dresses to kill...
and she cooks the same way!

My wife just called me on the Walkie Talkie.

Our marriage is... over

Wonder what she wants?

We have parental controls on Netflix because I watched one of our shows when my wife wasn't home.

Me: *sexy voice* I’ve got my grey sweatpants on

Wife: You know I’ve already seen you naked, right?

Me: Oh right. Married

Wife: And put that cucumber back in the fridge.

It's cute when a dog stares at you and tilts his head when he doesn't understand what you're saying, but apparently it's annoying when a husband does it.

Husband: “The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.”
Wife: “And did he?”
Husband: “Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.”

My wife and I have an agreement on household chores: I do things my way, I redo them her way.

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

MY HUSBAND AND I are doing workshop. He works and I shop!

My wife said I twist everything she says to my advantage. I'll take that as a compliment...

He used to have so much gas that his wife left him.

Gone with the wind ...

My wife thinks I spend too much time talking to random people on line.
What do you think?

My wife likes to put on boxing gloves, while I sing "Eye Of The Tiger"

Our marriage is going through a bit of a Rocky patch at the moment.

I gave my wife a pendant with my picture inside of it.....Now, I’m independent.

My life has a great cast, but I still couldn't figure out the plot...

I'm not saying the wife orders from Amazon a lot, but she just received a wedding invitation from one of their drivers.

I bought a new pitcher, brought it home and put it on the sink. “What am I going to do with an extra pitcher?” my wife said. I told her, “Do what baseball teams do with extra pitchers. Put it on the bullpen.” It only left a small scar!

I've just found out that my wife is writing a book about our honeymoon. It's called '50 Shades of O.K.'

The wife says we need to have a chat about my childish behaviour.

Like I've got time for that during conker season.