Husband and Wife Jokes: Marriage Humor to Share with Your Spouse.

Since my wife left I find that things are ----exactly where I left them.

My wife told me I look better without my glasses.
I said thanks you look better without my glasses too.

I think my wife is showing the early signs of alzheimer's.
She says she doesn't remember what she ever saw in me.

A wife got so mad at her husband
she packed his bags and told him
to get out.
As he walked to the door she
yelled, "I hope you die a long,
slow, painful death."
He turned around and said, "So,
you want me to stay?"

Wife:(dealing cards)"Whoever loses this poker hand gets the clothes out of the dryer."
Long story short, I folded...
...twice.

Wife: Darling, give me a nice compliment...
Husband: You got
a fantastic husband.

My wife left me because of my love of auctions.
She was going, going, gone.

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.

My wife was unable to put up some shelves!
I told her she'd got a screw loose!

Wife: "You really have no sense of direction, do you?"
Me: "Where did that come from?"

I can't believe that my wife is telling her friends that I'm a very NOSY PERSON ,,,, that's what it said in her PERSONAL DIARY.

My wife had stood by me for 40 years.
We only have one chair!

Wife: "I've made the chicken soup."
Husband: "Oh, good. I was worried it was for us."

My wife and I went to a prize fancy dress party last night as Giraffes. We didn't win anything, but we can hold are head's up high.

My wife asked me " did I eat her chocolate eclair in the fridge " ?
I replied " no I ate it in the livingroom "

A guy booked a holiday to Egypt. His wife asked if they could go on a camel.
He said: "No, it will be quicker if we fly”.

It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong.

My wife asked if she had any annoying habits and then got all offended during the PowerPoint presentation.

My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it's because I can't stand doing it.

My wife said she wanted to play house. I told her I want to be Hugh Laurie.

I've just told my wife that I've been training as a mime artist for the last 20 years
She said, "you kept that quiet".

I always sleep in my clothes.
Every night my wife says "Get out of the laundry basket!"

My wifes just texted me and told me she was in casualty. Well I've watched 3 series but not seen her yet.

9 OUT OF 10 HUSBANDS AGREED THAT THEIR WIVES ARE ALWAYS RIGHT.
THE 10TH HUSBAND HASN'T BEEN SEEN SINCE THE STUDY WAS CONDUCTED.

I like to read my wife's horoscope regularly to see what kind of day I'm going to have.

I once saw my wife crying whilst slicing onions.
I had no idea she felt so emotional about root vegetables.

Sometimes I run my hands through my wife's hair. It's a nice way to show her my love...and that we're also out of napkins.

The wife brought home a tub of ice cream and asked if I wanted some.
"How hard is it?" I asked.
She cheekily replied, "As hard as your willie when you're thinking about me naked!"
I said, "Go on then, pour me a glass"

When you talk to your wife, remember that:
"This conversation will be recorded for training and quality purposes"

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair… Kill her!!”
The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. “This gun is loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to kill him with the chair!”

After an extremely tense argument with the wife, the house was so quiet you could hear a pin drop.
Things got a lot worse when I saw the grenade flying towards me.

Got home from the pub at 4am this morning and the wife was waiting at the front door holding a rolling pin..

I said.."What the hell are you baking at this hour?"

My wife claims to be very good at yoga...

But I think she's just a poser.

I recieved a blank text from wife the other day.
When I got in from work I asked "Why did you send me a blank text?"
"Because I'm not talking to you."

I asked my wife how good my listening skills were. She said, "You're an 8 on a scale of 10."
I have no idea why she wants me to urinate on a skeleton.

I bought my wife a rasp for her birthday... .. She's filing for divorce.

My wife is always accusing me of making stuff up,
I wouldn't mind but I'm not even married.

My wife said that quilts are better than duvets.
I told her to be careful making blanket statements like that.

I told my wife to brace herself, the Orthodontist bill just came..

My wife says I should stop speaking in numbers, but I told her I don’t 1 2.

My wife surprised me for Father's Day. Said she got me something that uses fuel & has a top that opens & closes!

It was a cigarette lighter.

Wife: Honey, I think the bathroom scale is broken. Please fix it.
Husband: Where is it?
Wife: I'm on it.
Husband: Ok. Do it then.

I asked my wife what sort of olives I should buy and she told me to get stuffed.

I Enjoyed my Wife's Beef stew tonight, even it turns out it Was an Apple pie!

My wife gives me sound advice...99% sound..1% advice.

My wife gives me sound advice...99% sound..1% advice.

My husband just called me pretentious.

I was so surprised my monocle fell out.

I had to return the brightly colored buckets my wife had me buy. Apparently she now prefers a whiter shade of pail…

My wife says if I can't curb my obsession with astronomy, she will leave me.
What planet is she on?

My wife was so upset I shrunk her sweater in the dryer that she didn’t notice I washed it in the dishwasher.

I remember when I first started dating my wife, I got a hard-on just watching her eating a banana.
Now after ten years of marriage, I only get aroused if she starts choking on it.

I’m in a mixed marriage. My wife is female and I’m a male. But it works for us.

My wife just asked me when I was going to stop quoting Elton John song lyrics.

I said “I think it’s gonna be a long, long time...”

My first wife left me because of my obsession with clickbait and you won’t believe what happened next.

Sometimes I wonder why no one laughs at my jokes during virtual meetings. My wife says it’s because I’m not even remotely funny.

My wife says I'm not very handy around the house! She must have forgot who phoned for the plumber when the sink was blocked!

I said to my wife: "Guess what I heard in the pub? They reckon the milkman has made love to every woman in this road except one."
And she said: "I'll bet it's that stuck-up Phyllis at number twenty-three."

When I die i'm donating my eyes to my wife, so she can finally see something from my point of view!

My wife realised I was cheating when she found the letters I was hiding.
She got mad and now refuses to play Scrabble with me.

My wife says she can wax the hairs off my chest without me feeling a thing, i don't think she can pull it off.

Thanks to our mutual dislike of newspaper puzzles my wife and I have enjoyed a long and happy marriage.

Thirty years and not a crossword.

Her: I'd like to report my husband missing.

Me: hey I'm right here.

Her: I only said I'd "like to".

I have to confess to my wife that I have erectile dysfunction. I can’t keep it up any more.

My wife bought me this horrible jacket & somehow she convinced me to wear it, I guess I’m easily suede.

My wife wanted a puppy,
but I didn't want a puppy.
So we compromised,
and got a puppy.

My wife told me to go and get something that would make her look sexy. So I went and got drunk.

My wife is 2 years older than me!
Every decade we are the same age!
Now I am 60 and
she is 60 too!

A man's wife hits him across the head.He says "What's that for?"She says "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Sexy Sarah written on it".Quick as a flash he says "that's the name of a horse i bet on today, you silly cow"she apologizes.A week later she hits him with a frying pan!He say's, "what the fuck was that for?".She replies. "Your fuckin horse phoned this morning !

"These cookies are amazing"
"Thanks, it's a secret family recipe"
..........
"You have a secret family?"
"Yes, don't tell my wife"

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side.
So i crashed the car,
Then ignored her all day for no reason.

I asked my wife, “I’m stuck on a crossword clue—Overworked Postman— can you help me?”
She said, “Sure. How many letters?”
I said, “I’m guessing—too many.”

I’ve been married for 34 years, and I’m still in love with the same woman. If my wife ever finds out, I’ll be in big trouble!

My wife was going through her wardrobe and she says, 'look at this? I tried it on and it still fits me after 25 years.'
I said 'It's a scarf.'

The postman left me a note to say my package was too large.

My wife disagrees.

I’m in trouble with the wife. We were in bed naked and she asked what I
would like to do most with her body.
Apparently “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer.

I've decided I'm buying my wife a prosthetic leg for Christmas. It's not he actual gift, just a stocking filler.

My wife is leaving me because she says I am obsessed with quizzes.
Is she:
a) Unfair
b) Overreacting
c) Out of her mind

My wife dated a clown before she started going out with me.

I had some pretty big shoes to fill.

My wife doesn't think I'm handy enough to change out a light switch.

Well she's in for a shock!

My wife asked me how I can chop onions without crying. I told her the trick is to not get attached.