Husband and Wife Jokes: Marriage Humor to Share with Your Spouse.

Wife: I’m sick and tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back.
Husband: But you’re in a wheelchair!

They say that 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship.
To be honest i'm not sure if it's my wife or my girlfriend.

I told my wife how I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.

She unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer.

My wife said I was the perfect husband today ........
Or was it something about not listening to her properly?

My wife told me she wished I had the body of a young muscled and sexy man.
She laughed when I said I do.
Then I told her to look in the closet.

What came first, the chicken or the egg?
Not sure, but I know the wife was pretty angry when she started throwing stuff.

A wife whispered to her husband, "honey, guess what, I'm not wearing any bra and panties today!"
Husband, "ah, that's why your face looks so stretched this afternoon ."

My wife said she's leaving me because of my plant obsession... I said, "For fuck sake petal, where did all this stem from?"

Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.

My wife said if we ever get a holiday this year she'd like to go somewhere completely different where she's never been before??
The kitchen it is then!

Just found out my wife has left me a stately home in her will.
I have no idea where Sod Hall is, I'm just off to Google it now!

Me: What's wrong?
Wife: You're not supposed to say you have a favorite child.
Me: Everyone does secretly.
Wife: Well it should at least be one of ours.

We have been married a long time, but we don’t complete each other’s sentences. If she does a murder, she’s doing the whole stretch.

My wife said,"tell me you love me."
I said,"Give me a fucking chance,I'm only on my 8th can."

My wife just told me she wanted another baby.
I agreed, the one we have now is really annoying.

My wife knows everything until I asked her a question !

My fat wife and I were enjoying a swim in the hotel pool, when a little boy of about five got into trouble and appeared to be drowning.
Luckily, my wife was there to save his life...
She got out to inform the lifeguard and the water level dropped enough for him to stand up!

My wife left me because I said she was an awful pilot.
I can’t believe she took off like that.

Pat says to Mike, my wife is driving me to drink. Mike says to Pat your lucky my wife makes me walk...!!!

Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you're interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn't our lawn ever look that nice?"

My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.

But I'm on a roll now.

My first job was at a running shoe company; I tried but I just didn’t fit in, The I got a job in a gym, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

I asked my wife if she ever faked an orgasm. She said she never had time.

The wife just sold our water bed... she thought we were drifting apart.....

My wife was in tears when she called me from A&E, I said what's wrong, she said I've just seen my x-ray, I said dont talk to him, just ignore him.

My wife's just said she's leaving me because of my obsession with KitKat........

I suggested we have a break

My Wife says I like cookery programmes a bit too much. I've taken it with a pinch of salt, a sprig of rosemary, and a balsamic glaze.

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills.
She said, "You're an 8 on a scale of 10."
I still can't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.

My wife left a note on the kitchen table to tell me we were out of tea. I thanked her for the no-tea-fication.

Wife : Are you listening to me ?
Husband: Yes dear!
Wife : What did I just say?
Husband: Are you listening to me !

I love playing mind games with the missus.
Yesterday I bought her some flowers, and I've not even done anything wrong.

My wife hated my impulse purchase of an expensive revolving chair, but then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.

Waiter: “How do you like your steak, sir”?

Sir: “Like winning an argument with my wife”.

Waiter “Rare it is!”.

What should a man call a wink from his wife?
Wife eye connection.

My wife left me for an electrician.
He promised her the earth...

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.

“You're coming home now!" she screamed. "No, I'm not," I laughed.

She said, "I'm talking to the kids."

“Tired?”
~Married people foreplay

My husband said that my belief in horoscopes nearly Taurus apart.

My wife is kicking me out because she's fed up with my South American animal puns...
'OK,' I said, 'Alpaca my bags.'

Wife: Darling, we should get married again on our 25th anniversary.
Man: Yeah, and this time let’s choose our partners wisely!!!

The relationship between Husband and Wife is psychological: One is Pysco the other logical.
Up to you to figure out which is which...

It's been raining for 3 days without stopping. My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window. If the rain doesn't stop tomorrow, I'll have to let her in.

My wife and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.

My wife said to me, "I know you've been cheating with that girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch."
I said, "How can you say such a thing?"

I was in bed last with the wife talking about rice. It wasn't serious, just pilau talk.

My wife as been binge watching "Medium" on Hulu. I had to ask, "Is that show the prequel to 'Large', or the sequel to 'Small'?"

My wife: “Wow that took longer than usual!”

ME: “I know! I couldn’t get him to settle down..”

My wife: “Well, maybe it was all that Metallica you were playing upstairs?”

ME: “Hey! It was YOUR idea for me to rock
him to sleep!!

The wife just phoned me from work and said
" Three of the girls in the office have just had flowers delivered, they're absolutely gorgeous.
I said " That's probably why they got the flowers then love!"

I’ve got my first part in a local amateur dramatics production. I’m playing the part of “A husband”. I’m hoping to get a speaking part next time.

My wife thinks we should allow our pets to share our bed. I finally gave in.
After 10 minutes, our goldfish finally settled down.

I got my wife a fridge for her birthday.
Her face lit up when she opened it.

My wife's just left me because I ate too much chocolate over Christmas.
I think this calls for a Celebration.....

My wife told me that she's sick of my obsession with detective mysteries and that we should split up.
"Good idea," I told her. "We'll cover more ground that way."

The wife just threw six cricket balls at me...
“What’s up ?” I asked.
“It’s over" she replied.

My wife gets super upset when I refer to her as my ex girlfriend.

Why is your "old man" your dad, but your "old lady" is your wife?

Wife:(on phone)"I forgot to tell you to get deodorant."
Him:"Ok, I'll make a...pit stop."
Her: 😐
Him: 😂!!!!

My wife and I have been happily married for two years now.
1987 and 2018.

My wife told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away.

I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.

I woke my wife up by hitting her with a 12pack of toilet rolls !
She now got "soft tissue damage".

Woke the wife up this morning by hitting her with a jigsaw...........
"What was that for" she said with a puzzled look on her face.

I played scrabble with my wife last night.
It's the only way I can get a word in.

My wife thinks she's a geologist. She's always pointing out my faults.

The wifes just asked me why I'm wrapping my feet in bubble wrap
I said "I'm just popping down to the shops"

My missus came home with a Monopoly board under one arm and a Cluedo under the other arm. Her feet were stuck to a Trivial Pursuit and a Chess board. I said to her "Are you on the game?"

My wife thinks I'm crazy.
But I'm not the one
that married me!!

My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.

My wife texted me to say that she was leaving me due to my addiction to online poker. So I called her to see if she was bluffing.

My wife is divorcing me due to my obsession with goats.

I don't care about her, but I'll miss the kids.

Wife:is my phone around?
Me: no, its rectangular.

Lying in bed last night when my wife screamed I was an idiot, who needed go back to school.
Seriously, I forgot to pick up our 8 year old son.

My wife and I are the perfect couple.
I have a 9 inch penis,
And she doesn't know which way to hold a ruler.

Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life.
Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.

My wife is leaving me to go to Vegas. She claims she can get £1000 a night for what she does for me for nothing...
I'm going too. I want to see how she lives on £2000 a year!

My wife has left me because of my obsession with Battleships.
It’s never happened B4.

My wife is always mocking my love of Japanese rice wine.

I'm fed up with her sake comments...

My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.
But my wife insists it's for Dyslexia.

My wife wanted to be an excavator driver for a living but all she kept doing was digging up the past.

Wife: What’s that beeping noise?

Husband: That’s just the fasten seatbelt alert.

Wife: How can you ignore something that annoying?

Husband: Huh?

I surprised my wife by getting Romantic last night...
Best Scrabble score I've ever had!