Money Jokes Galore: A Comedic Twist on Wealth and Fortune.

People who are crazy about money are doughnuts.

Problem with liquidity in US Financial markets is the Treasury not producing enough low denomination coins. Doesn't make cents.

I think my credit card looks weird.

Could someone send me a picture of theirs so I can compare?

After opening this month's electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.

You would be surprised but you can make some serious dough at a pizza shop.

My tax advisor borrowed six books now and not given any of them back. I think he’s a professional bookkeeper.

I'm one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.

Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.

I’ve just checked my home insurance policy and apparently if my duvet is stolen in the middle of the night, I’m not covered.

A man is suing the company for 100 million after he was left with one eye after an accident. I bet he doesn't see half that money.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I wish I worked for the Royal Mint. I hear you can make a lot of money.

My bank manager just called and said my account was outstanding.

Which was nice of him.

Just wondering, do they use bank notes in the cheque republic?

My wife divorced me for religious reasons. She worshipped money and I didn’t have any!

Why shouldn't you tell Bank Employees secrets?

Most of them are Tellers.

I won $5,000,000 in the lottery last month and decided to give a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $4,999,999.75.

Man goes up to his friend and hands him a limp, soggy sea creature.
His friend says "What's THIS - a dead octopus?"
And his friend says "Naw, it's the sick squid I owe you..."

Why is my credit so bad? I get letters from all of my creditors each month telling me my balance is outstanding.

Why did the boy put his money in the freezer?
He wanted some cold, hard cash.

I bought something for 94 cents and gave the cashier a dollar. I knew what change to expect.
Must be my sixth sense!

I wish I had money so I could be eccentric instead of just weird.

Old MacDonald loaned me cash. He I, he I owe.

We pay taxes on money we earn to pay taxes on money we spend.

Funny thing about Banks , they only want to Loan you money when you don’t need it.

Would have started saving money in kindergarten if I knew my life was like this.

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire, I'm a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes...

Just my luck. A day after winning the Nigerian lottery someone's stolen my bank account!

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger...

Can you name the famous American Gold depository?
Thought not.

It's pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it's not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes.

Just ordered a DVD called: “How To Never Pay Tax Again”.
Only cost £7.99 (plus VAT).

Just ordered a book called: “How To Never Pay Tax Again”.
Only cost £7.99 (plus VAT).

I never pay up on time. I pro cash tinate

It's been a weird day.
First I find a hat full of money, then get chased by some guy with a guitar.

I've decided I'm not going to focus on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, I'm sorry.

Èlectrician opens current account at bank.

"I got a letter from my bank yesterday that said "Final Reminder".
At least I know they will stop asking me now..."

"Coin Always Makes Sound But The Currency Notes Are Always Silent. So When Your Value Increases Keep Quiet."

If you bite a penny before putting it in your piggy bank you now have 1 bitcoin.

Banks should do a better job to ensure their ATMs are filled. I have gone to 5 ATMs and they are all saying insufficient funds.

Misheard my financial adviser and put all my money into socks and chairs.

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar - every time I have a pessimistic thought,I put in $. Currently it's half empty.

i only accept apologies in cash

True love doesn't care about the look, or the size of your wallet. It is all about what is inside .... the wallet.

The only exercise i done last month was running out of money.

I tossed a coin 15 times, and every single time it landed on tails.
I'm starting to think that it's not just a coin-cidence.

Remember when air was free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50 you know why ?
Inflation...

Did you hear about the man who collected rare pennies??
He didn't have alot of common cents

"Always leave them wanting more" is my standard approach to paying bills.

How do you stop an elephant from charging? Take away his credit cards.

What’s the best way to get in touch with your long-lost relatives? Win the lottery.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of credit card payments.

Where do penguins keep their money? In snowbanks.

How can you get rich by eating? Eat fortune cookies.

Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.

I remember being in so much debt that I couldn't afford my electricity bills, it was a dark time.

I am currently boycotting the companies that sell items I can't afford.

Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

How can you be sure you have counterfeit money? If it’s a three-dollar bill, you can be sure.

The stock market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they're smart.

- If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone's favorite season?
- Fall.

Where do frogs deposit their money? In a river bank.

A man who needs legal help goes to a lawyer’s office. After being escorted inside, he sits across the desk from the lawyer. The man needs legal help, but he wants to make sure he can afford it first. “Can you tell me how much you charge?” he asks.

“Of course,” the lawyer replies, “I charge $800 to answer three questions.”

“Don’t you think that’s an awful lot of money to answer three questions?”

“Yes it is”, answers the lawyer, “What’s your third question?”

Little Johnny is always teased by the other boys at school for being stupid. Whenever they make fun of Johnny, the other boys will offer him a nickel or a dime, and Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes a nickel, Johnny’s friend, Billy, pulls him aside and asks, “Johnny, don’t you know by now that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel is bigger?” A smile slowly comes over Johnny’s face. “Well,” he says, “they’d stop doing it if I took the dime, and so far I’ve made 20 bucks!”

After years of putting money into a savings account, a wife tells her stay-at-home husband the good news: “Honey, we’ve finally got enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979.” Her husband blushes with giddy excitement. “You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” he asks. “No,” says the wife, “a 1979 Cadillac.”

The boy that used to bully me at school is still taking my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

Money isn’t everything, but it definitely keeps you in touch with your children.

- What type of investment do Wall Street traders call a “007?”
- A bond.

Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash!

If marriage is grand, then what is divorce? Ten grand!

I saw a homeless guy on the street with a sign that said, “One day, this could be you.” I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he’s right.

I won 3 million dollars in the lottery this weekend, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.

My wife’s credit card got stolen the other day. I haven’t bothered reporting it, though, because the thief spends much less than my wife.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. They’ll never expect it back.

Why is money called dough? Because we all knead it!

Why did the little boy eat his cash? Because it was his dinner money!

It’s true that money can’t buy you true love. It does, however, put you in a good position to bargain.

I’m happy to say God finally answered my prayers for winning the $70 million dollar lottery. The answer was no.