Random BOSS joke:
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. "Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says, "$101,237.64." Boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing"
Weird never felt so funny.
- Updated:
2025-05-08.
Selected BOSS jokes:
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
Whenever my boss says the word "commerce", we know he means buisness.
My boss always laughed at my jokes at work but since the pandemic she never laughs at them in Zoom chats. I asked her why doesn't she laugh at them anymore.
She replied, "Because your jokes aren't remotely funny."
You weren’t born to spend more time with your boss than with your family.
More BOSS jokes...
I always tell new hires, don't think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you.
A bad job with a good boss is better than a good job with a bad boss.
"I’m not saying my boss is a bad manager, but the last time I saw him, he was holding a 'How to Lose Employees' seminar."
My boss just told me off for wearing pyjamas to work.
"But everybody else is wearing them," I protested.
He said, "I know, but they're your patients."
When someone says they did something "like a boss," I assume they didn't do anything and just took credit for someone else's work.
Boss: So, tell me about your work goals for the future.
Me: To be honest I’m just happy I’ve made it to Friday without quitting.
I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick".
She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?"
I replied "you just ask nicely".
Boss: “Send me one of your jokes”.
Employee: “I’m working, I'll send you one later”.
Boss: "That a good one. Send me another one".
Boss: “Send me one of your jokes”.
Employee: “I’m working, I'll send you one later”.
Boss: "That a good one. Send me another one".
Me: this show is boring.
Boss: Again, this is a zoom conference.
I nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on the first day. Luckily my boss suggested we just wipe the slate clean.
Are you my new boss?
Because you just gave me a raise.
My boss told me that I’m “going to have to find someone else to work for.” I asked him not to quit. Good bosses are hard to find.
My friend said."I just couldn't work after what my boss said. I asked what he said? She replied,"He said I'm fired."
This mans boss said, You can have a week off if you want to. The man asked: Can I have two weeks off if I want three?
Luten's Laws:
When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another week when your boss is away and you get twice as much done.
It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off the ground.
Cannon's Comment: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
Having sex before going to work makes you feel like a manager.
I almost fired my boss today.
What do you call a mafia boss' key?
A don-key.
Why do politicians, bankers and mafia bosses like to play golf?
Because you can play that in handcuffs too.
Harry Potter could make a great mafia boss.
He always catches the snitch.
The man who worked in the gum factory fell into a vat of bubblegum.
His boss had to chew him out.
My weird boss has assigned designated toilet breaks for all employees - and now it’s my turn. I really don’t need this shit!
Me: *leaning back in my chair* work smarter not harder.
My Boss: yeah, unfortunately I think harder may be your only option.
boss: are you busy?
me: oh yes
boss: what are you working on?
me: professional development
boss: you're watching documentaries on youtube again aren't you?
Boss: It's a make or break situation!
Me: I'll take a break then tnx.
My boss: my door is always open.
(Me creeping quietly out the office toilet).
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
I work in a tape factory. I want to quit but my boss won't let me. I guess I'm stuck here.
My boss offered to allow me to work from home but I’m not remotely interested.
Boss: Happy to be back to work?
Me: This feels like a trap.
My boss: You’re essential.
My pay check: No you’re not.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper.
I called my boss a twat and he reduced my pay.
Thus confirming my suspicions.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into a vat of gum at the Wrigley’s factory?
His boss chewed him out!
Boss told me that as a security guard, it’s my job to watch the office.
I’m on season 6 but I’m not really sure what it’s got to do with security.
Boss texts me: Send me one of those funny dad jokes Me: I can’t I’m busy working. Boss: That’s hilarious. Do you have anymore?
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.
Boss: We need to talk about your lack of productivity.
Me: Can it wait until after my nap?
Whenever my boss says the word "commerce", we know he means buisness.
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
You weren’t born to spend more time with your boss than with your family.
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online.
My boss was furious.
I’ve just seen my boss getting beaten up at work so I ran over to help…
He didn’t stand a chance against 2 of us…
Boss: How can we keep the office clean?
Me: By staying at home.
Today my boss told me she thinks my written communication skills are better than my verbal communication skills.
I couldn't think of anything to say.
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
Me: "You said dress for the job you want."
Boss: "Give me my clothes back."