Random BOSS joke:
A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said,
"I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting.
Selected BOSS jokes:
I asked my boss, “Can I get two weeks of vacation during Christmas?”
Boss: It’s May.
Me: I’m sorry. May I get two weeks off during Christmas?
Luten's Laws:
When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another week when your boss is away and you get twice as much done.
It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off the ground.
I work in a tape factory. I want to quit but my boss won't let me. I guess I'm stuck here.
My boss told me to attach two pieces of wood together
I totally nailed it 🔨
More BOSS jokes...
Boss: So, tell me about your work goals for the future.
Me: To be honest I’m just happy I’ve made it to Friday without quitting.
I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick".
She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?"
I replied "you just ask nicely".
Boss: “Send me one of your jokes”.
Employee: “I’m working, I'll send you one later”.
Boss: "That a good one. Send me another one".
Boss: “Send me one of your jokes”.
Employee: “I’m working, I'll send you one later”.
Boss: "That a good one. Send me another one".
Me: this show is boring.
Boss: Again, this is a zoom conference.
I nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on the first day. Luckily my boss suggested we just wipe the slate clean.
Are you my new boss?
Because you just gave me a raise.
My boss told me that I’m “going to have to find someone else to work for.” I asked him not to quit. Good bosses are hard to find.
My friend said."I just couldn't work after what my boss said. I asked what he said? She replied,"He said I'm fired."
This mans boss said, You can have a week off if you want to. The man asked: Can I have two weeks off if I want three?
Luten's Laws:
When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another week when your boss is away and you get twice as much done.
It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off the ground.
Cannon's Comment: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
Having sex before going to work makes you feel like a manager.
I almost fired my boss today.
What do you call a mafia boss' key?
A don-key.
Why do politicians, bankers and mafia bosses like to play golf?
Because you can play that in handcuffs too.
Harry Potter could make a great mafia boss.
He always catches the snitch.
The man who worked in the gum factory fell into a vat of bubblegum.
His boss had to chew him out.
My weird boss has assigned designated toilet breaks for all employees - and now it’s my turn. I really don’t need this shit!
Me: *leaning back in my chair* work smarter not harder.
My Boss: yeah, unfortunately I think harder may be your only option.
boss: are you busy?
me: oh yes
boss: what are you working on?
me: professional development
boss: you're watching documentaries on youtube again aren't you?
Boss: It's a make or break situation!
Me: I'll take a break then tnx.
My boss: my door is always open.
(Me creeping quietly out the office toilet).
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
I work in a tape factory. I want to quit but my boss won't let me. I guess I'm stuck here.
My boss offered to allow me to work from home but I’m not remotely interested.
Boss: Happy to be back to work?
Me: This feels like a trap.
My boss: You’re essential.
My pay check: No you’re not.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper.
I called my boss a twat and he reduced my pay.
Thus confirming my suspicions.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into a vat of gum at the Wrigley’s factory?
His boss chewed him out!
Boss told me that as a security guard, it’s my job to watch the office.
I’m on season 6 but I’m not really sure what it’s got to do with security.
Boss texts me: Send me one of those funny dad jokes Me: I can’t I’m busy working. Boss: That’s hilarious. Do you have anymore?
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.
Boss: We need to talk about your lack of productivity.
Me: Can it wait until after my nap?
Whenever my boss says the word "commerce", we know he means buisness.
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
You weren’t born to spend more time with your boss than with your family.
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online.
My boss was furious.
I’ve just seen my boss getting beaten up at work so I ran over to help…
He didn’t stand a chance against 2 of us…
Boss: How can we keep the office clean?
Me: By staying at home.
Today my boss told me she thinks my written communication skills are better than my verbal communication skills.
I couldn't think of anything to say.
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
Me: "You said dress for the job you want."
Boss: "Give me my clothes back."
Me: Sir, my doctor has advised me to stay in bed.
Boss: How long?
Me: Just a normal sized bed..
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
Boss: I need you here on time and ready to work.
Me: Pick one bro...
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.
His assistant walked up to him and said,
'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'
The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.
He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.
A hockey player lost his job at the bank. His boss caught him cross-checking.