Funny Useful and Useless Advice for All Your Problems.

Crap happens, just flush it and move on.

Don't hide your feelings. Hide the evidence.

Never ask a brutally honest question if you're not prepared to hear a brutally honest answer.

If you think no one cares if you're alive, miss a car payment.

Be alert (the world needs more lerts).

" Try to learn something about everything and everything about something "🌷
~ Thomas Henry Huxley

If you're naked in public, it's better to cover your face than your genitals.

Never hire an electrician with no eyebrows.

Don't be stupid, it's not smart.

You have to accept who you are... Unless you’re a serial killer!!!

Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman's boots...

If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep.
It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

Do not accept friends requests from Hormel foods...it could be Spam.

Don't follow your dreams. Chase them.

Buy your son a 300 piece tool kit for his 15th birthday.
Steal the 10mm socket.
He needs to learn that the struggle is real.
Follow me for more life lessons.

If you cry when you cut an onion, here's a tip:
Don't get emotionally attached.

RULE TO REMEMBER FOR LIFE 👉 When it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain!

Don't count the number of friends you have, but the number of friends you can count on.

Legal Tip: If you're ever arrested for public intoxication, try fighting the charges in a higher court.

Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. Don't ask me why.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo.

Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!

Never tell a woman she's crazy unless you want to see crazy.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

You should always get married in the morning. So if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day!

Any time someone is hot and you're too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they've probably had diarrhea at some point.

TIP FOR WIVES > If you want your husband to do something he doesn't want, just say that maybe he's too old for that...

If you ever think someone’s too cute to talk to just remember that they poop too.

Have some fun with your life... call in sick to places you don't even work at.

If you think someone is staring at you:
1. Yawn
2. If they yawn, they were staring.

No matter how boring life gets, never get married.

ADVICE > Hey single people, for the love of God stop looking for love... or you’ll end up married!

GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask, "Notice anything different?'... works EVERY time.

Its better to keep your mouth shut and be perceived stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

True Story: People won't believe you unless you start a story saying "True story"

Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea.
Trust me on this.

Behind every successful man there is a woman!
Need more success?
Increase the number of women!

Don't forget to get offended today by some sh!t that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.

“Never regret anything that made you smile.”–

Life tip:

No matter how much you liked the soap - NEVER get caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.