Funny Useful and Useless Advice for All Your Problems.

Get what you want and stay private.
Let them assume incorrectly.

Never try to use boomerangs as Drumsticks, there'll be re-percussions.

Don’t make important decisions when you are hungry or tired.

"Never give up on the things that make you smile."

Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

If they need you temporarily, ignore them permanently.

Life is like a road trip. Enjoy each day, and don't carry too much baggage.

Be a good person, but don't waste your time trying to prove it.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Be alert. The world needs more lerts.

If he asks what sort of books you like, tell him checkbooks.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, buy her another beer!

Never let anyone get too comfortable with disrespecting you. You can still have a soft soul without allowing bullshit behaviour.

You have to watch out for urologists. They only look after number one.

Pro Tip: If you refer to a song as a “track,” people are more likely to believe you were the producer.

ALWAYS FORGIVE YOUR ENEMIES; NOTHING ANNOYS THEM SO MUCH.

Keep it private until you know it’s permanent.

"Don’t change the goal, change the plan."

Be yourself! Everyone else is already taken.

Look at your habits, they are the ones dictating your life.

If you can't convince them... confuse them!

Start with what is right rather than what is acceptable.

Just a reminder that it’s actually cool as fuck to be nice to others.

You weren’t born to spend more time with your boss than with your family.

Exist to be happy, not to impress.
- Richard Bach

To make a long story short, quit right in the middle.

Always stay positive in all situations except you’re having an HIV test.

Pro tip: Marry someone who’s not afraid to ask for a refund.

A brief guide to putting up with people’s bullshit.
Don’t. The end.

If you play an instrument and want to know the secret of sounding better, please stay tuned…

If you're stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.

It's not premarital sex if you don't get married.
Follow me for more biblical loopholes.

Later is the best time to do anything.

Enjoy life, this is not a dress rehearsal.

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!