HR Office Jokes: Where we turn absurdity into art.

If you see me talking to myself in the street, Just move along.
I'm self employed
We are having a Staff Meeting.

Thought of the Day: Your brain is amazing organ, it starts working the moment you get up and doesn't stop until you get in the office.

75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it.

The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.

I got a big promotion at the forestry department.

They gave me my own branch.

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I'm doing my job.

To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.

Some coworkers are like broken rockets.
They don't work and it seems they can't be fired.

Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.

My resumé is just a long list of stuff I hate doing.

Me: *leaning back in my chair* work smarter not harder.
My Boss: yeah, unfortunately I think harder may be your only option.

boss: are you busy?

me: oh yes

boss: what are you working on?

me: professional development

boss: you're watching documentaries on youtube again aren't you?

I've been offered some work with a dried fruit company.
Just waiting for them to get back to me with some dates!

Boss: It's a make or break situation!

Me: I'll take a break then tnx.

There was a strike at the bowling pin factory.

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume.

me: yes that's when i didn't have a job.

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

I’m not bragging but I made six figures this year, I was named the year’s worst employee at the mannequin factory.

Boss: Did you get my email?

Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.

I quit my job as a mailman when they handed me the first letter to deliver.

When I looked at it and realized: This isn’t for me.

FUN fact:
In the Netherlands, workers can be absent for up to two years while receiving 70% of their salary as sick pay.

Just got a job at the factory making telescopes.

Things are finally looking up.

Interviewer: can you explain this gap on your resume.

Me: yes that is when I worked at the invisible ink factory.

The coolest place I've ever worked at was a ice house.

I work in a tape factory. I want to quit but my boss won't let me. I guess I'm stuck here.

I fired myself from cleaning my house! I don’t like my attitude and I got caught drinking on the job!

My boss offered to allow me to work from home but I’m not remotely interested.

My brother said he wants a job in a chocolate factory but has no experience. I told him "Just fudge it".

My career plan is to become a great wit.
I am already 50% of the way there.

Stan works in a paper factory, where his responsibilities are twofold.

Left my job as a Dressmaker as things were not as they seamed.

Boss: Happy to be back to work?

Me: This feels like a trap.

"I hate working from home today!"
-- George, 47, fireman

My boss: You’re essential.

My pay check: No you’re not.

I have a very fine job at the flour factory, working second sift.

Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper.

My supervisor decided to fire me because my communication skills were weak. I didn't know what to say!

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: not thinking of creative answers to silly interview questions, when we have already established that I am very qualified for this position and would be an asset to your company.

After five years as Secretary of my local Ladder Association I've decided to step down.

I can’t work full time because I have to water my plants.

I went to a job interview today, they asked me why I left my last job, i said that the company relocated, but they didn't tell me Where.

I called my boss a twat and he reduced my pay.
Thus confirming my suspicions.

HR says I’m no longer allowed to answer the phone with “for fuck sake, what now”.

If you’re having work-related issues at the stables, contact Human Racehorses.

Why did the trombone player get paid less than the drummer?
He works on a sliding scale.

The best part of working from home is, at lunch, you get to cry in your own bathroom.

I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It's shift work.

Penguins are proof you can get a job you're not qualified for if you dress up.

I got fired from the hot dog stand because I couldn't cut the mustard.

I woke up this morning with trouble with my eyes. I couldn't see going to work.

My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter.

Did you hear about the blind circumciser? He got the sack.

If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.

Boss told me that as a security guard, it’s my job to watch the office.
I’m on season 6 but I’m not really sure what it’s got to do with security.

Boss texts me: Send me one of those funny dad jokes Me: I can’t I’m busy working. Boss: That’s hilarious. Do you have anymore?

I would have e-mailed you sooner, but my cat ate my mouse.

Some people work for free and are still overpaid.

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

Interviewer: And have you ever had a non-profit job before?

Me: Yes, all of them.

- Who are those staff members who keep shrinking?
- Oh, they're just the contractors.

I once had a second job in a hool-a-hoop factory.

But, It I still couldn't make ends meet.

Five Keys To Workplace Success:

1. Blame
2. Coworkers
3. For
4. Your
5. Mistakes

Got fired from my job at the bakery today..owner caught me loafing! Its a real killer..Cause I really kneaded the dough!

A guy at work claims he didnt steal the battery out of my calculator, but something just doesnt add up...

Interviewer: Would you call yourself a hard worker?
Me: Absolutely. I make almost everything harder than it has to be.

Nothing worse than a speaker in an already long boring meeting saying "We'll get into that later."

Meetings should have a button you can secretly press and if everyone presses the button the meeting suddenly ends.

Group projects in school weren't meant to teach you teamwork, they were meant to teach you how to deal with the incompetence of your coworkers in the workplace.

A typical job interview is a conversation between two liars.

I applied to be a doorman but didn't get the job due to lack of experience. That surprised me, I thought it was an entry level position.

Group projects: one person does all the work. Everyone takes credit.

My company is offering a time management class I desperately need, but I can't work it into my schedule!

I’ve just seen my boss getting beaten up at work so I ran over to help…
He didn’t stand a chance against 2 of us…

After only a day I was fired from my job at the cheese factory. They said that I was always standing in the whey.

Wow! So crazy that you didn't get my email. So weird. Let me send it again.
*Me sending the email for the first time*

Interviewer: great resumé, but can you explain the gap in your front teeth?

I went for a job as a sandwich maker yesterday, but sadly no luck...... when i got there, the roll had already been filled....

I used to work at a tampon factory, had to pull a few strings to get that job....

I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.

Can anyone tell me where Jepardy is?
I'm unemployed and they've just said on the news that there's 2000 jobs in Jepardy.