Customer satisfaction guaranteed... well, most of the time.
Our apologies for the inconvenience: Our customer service motto!
When you need help, we'll be here... eventually.
We take your feedback very seriously... just not today.
Customer Service: Where sarcasm meets patience!
Customer: Your menu says jerk chicken, but this is just plain chicken.
Me: Trust me, that chicken was an asshole.
Fake laughing with customers is actually a skill and we should be allowed to add it on our resume.
A telemarketer said he couldn't understand me.
I told him to press "1" for English.
My company has just hired a new Customer Service manager named Helen Waite.
Now whenever customers have problems or complaints I just tell them to go to Helen Waite.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Customer: How does the crispy aromatic duck sound?
Waiter: Quack! Quack! But that's before it was crispy or aromatic.
Customer: Do you have cotton balls?
Pharmacist: What? Do you think I’m a teddy bear?
I called my ‘phone supplier’s customer service department and said: "I want to report a nuisance caller."
The guy who answered said: "Not you again?'”
I didn't wanna buy the swing.
But the salesman was so pushy and I'm easily swayed.
I subscribed to a magazine but it never arrived. When I called to let them know, they asked me if I had any issues. When I said no, they thanked me and hung up!
Keeping you on hold since forever: Our specialty!
I went into the Library and said "I'm looking for a book on how to let customers down politely."
The librarian said, "I'm terribly sorry sir but I can't help you with that."
I said 'Yes, that's the one."
Kangaroo 911: “What’s your emergency?”
Worried Kangaroo: “I can’t find my children”
Kangaroo 911: “Did you check your pockets?”
Worried Kangaroo: “Oh nevermind.”
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get
through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
I love my customer service job, it's the work I hate.
Salesperson: “This computer will cut your workload by 50%.”
Office manager: “That’s great! I’ll take two of them.”
The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Ma'am", said the employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered 'til Sunday."
There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition. "So that's why no one was in church today."
As I shopped, the following announcement came over the department store's PA system:
"If someone here has a convertible with the top down, it just started raining. Towels are located in aisle five."
A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store.
She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident!" she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price."
My friend works at a call center and he says that everyone’s always trying to outdo each other in how many calls they can make in a given time.
It’s got to the point where small teams have formed in different sections of the office.
It sounds weird, but who am I to judge him and his call leagues?
I got a new job with the local suicide hotline.
I tried to phone in sick but they talked me out of it.
Customer service so good, you'd swear it's a comedy show.
James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant.
“Huh,” said Bond, “You expect me to talk?”
“No Mr Bond,” replied the interviewer, “I expect you to dye.”
Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I rang up a call center today and the automated message said, “All our advisors are engaged.”
Congratulations to them all. Now answer the damn phone will you.
If you're not serving the customer, your job is to be serving someone who is.
I work in customer service. It means I’ll have a smile on my face when I ruin your life.
My wife and I were shopping at a department store.
I was complaining to customer service because their bathrooms were out of service. Finally she looked at me and said "I'm sorry, sir, but we're just not going to take any of your shit!"
Prostitution:
Taking "customer service" to a whole new level.
A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash.
As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, but he notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again.
Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash.
Shocked, the manager runs over and says "Mister is there a problem - is there anything I can help you with?"
The blind man calmly replies "No thanks - I'm just looking around."
A southern baptist and her two daughters are shopping at the mall, when suddenly, the three are separated
In hopes of finding her children, she talked to the employee at the Customer Service kiosk
Southern Baptist Woman: I'm looking for my daughters, have you seen them?
Kiosk Worker: I can't say I have. May I have their names, please?
Southern Baptist Woman: My eldest daughter's name is Faith. I asked her to take her little sister shopping, but she just ran off with my credit card.
Kiosk Worker: I understand. We'll try to find them over the intercom. In the mean-time, please don't worry okay?
Southern Baptist Woman: It's too late for that! I already lost Hope!
Why didn't Adam buy Eve the new iPhone?
Because Apple have terrible customer service and their products are really expensive.
Customer Service Jokes: We promise to listen... but can't guarantee we'll actually do anything.
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
A man phones the customer service of a beer company.
Customer service: "Hello, what can I help you with today?"
Man: "There is something wrong with your beer, it made me blow chunks!"
Customer service: "Well ya, it'll do that."
Man: "No I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog!"
Why is the customer service at the Reddit Restaurant so terrible?
Because all of the servers are busy.
What’s customer service’s favorite word?
Unfortunately...
How many Comcast customer service agents does it take to change a lightbulb?
Is the lightbulb plugged in sir?
Did you hear about the time a sex worker denied a customer service?
She obviously didn't give a fuck.
Blonde approaches the customer service counter at a grocery store...
“How can I help you miss?” Says the man behind the counter. “I need to get 80 gallons of milk please”, she replies. “Excuse me?” Says the man “why would you need all that milk for?” . “Well you see, its a beauty tip. You bathe in milk for an hour and your skin appears 10 years younger”, she says.
“Whatever works!” Says the man, “let me check our inventory... Does it need to be pasteurized?”. “Come again?” She replies. “The milk, do you need it pasteurized?” He repeats.
“Oh no silly, that’s ok. Only up to my tits! I can splash it on my face”
A Latino gang member has received poor customer service at the railway station, so he vandalised one of the train engines in revenge.
It was a loco motive.
Interviewer: Why you want to work on Customer Service?
Me: Well, I am very good at apologising for things that are not my fault.
Interviewer: Did you acquire that experience on your previous job?
Me: No, my relationship.
A man returns to his home town in Russia after 30 years. He sees a shoe shop that he remembers from his time living there and goes in. He tells the owner "I remember this shop. I left a pair of shoes here for repair 30 years ago before escaping to the West." The owner says "Yes, I remember you. Wait just a moment", and disappears to a back room. After a minute or so he reappears and tells the man "They'll be ready next Thursday. "
Customer Service Jokes: Where laughter is the best complaint.
I bought a dozen bees for a beehive, but when my order arrived, there was thirteen bees in the box. I called customer service and told them they gave me one bee too many.
The woman on the phone answered:
"Oh, that's just a freebie"
What’s the best part of Audi’s customer service ?
The answer within four rings.