Hilarious quotes and jokes about LIFE that will make your day !

No matter how boring life gets, never get married.

A guy offered to document my life in Microsoft Excel, but I said no.

I don’t want him to spreadsheet about me.

People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.

Psychology says private life always wins, keep it a secret till you win.

LIFE HACKS/2023 Edition
1. If Bill Gates is involved, avoid it.
2. If Biden says it's true, it's false.
3. If the CDC, FDA say it's safe, it's dangerous.
4. If congress makes a law to help you, it will eventually hurt you.
5. If the media agrees, it's a lie.

In my life I like to prioritise procrastination.

72 virgins in Islam.
“Promising pussy in the afterlife is the lowest thing I ever heard in my life”.

~ Bill Maher

I JUST ORDERED A LIFE ALERT BRACELET SO IF I EVER GET A LIFE I WILL BE NOTIFIED IMMEDIATELY.

"Stay positive and keep smiling”
Unless you are a coder.
Then it's “stay caffeinated and keep debugging while questioning your life choices.”

Life is like a box of chocolates. more expensive than i was expecting.

Forgive your parents for their mistakes, it's their first time living life too.

Life is too short to be so stressed.

Your love life is like Sudoku. Very complicated, with no hope of solving it.

Leibniz be like: when life gives you lemons, make le monad.

Teach us to realize the brevity of life so that we may grow in wisdom.
Psalm 90:12

The biggest scam in life is paying taxes on the money we make, paying taxes on money we spend, and taxes on things we own, that we already paid taxes on, with already taxed money.

“Neither should a ship rely on one small anchor, nor should life rest on a single hope.”

This chapter of my life is called 'at least the rent is paid'.

When life gives you lemons, squeeze them in people's eyes.

Why not? Life is short.

Fact: Ten out of ten people die. Don't take life too seriously.

If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water gun and shoot other people in the eyes.

I’m not saying that I hate you, but I’d unplug your life support machine to charge my mobile.

Teacher. "What's the longest sentence you can think of?"
Me. "Life imprisonment. "

No matter how hard your life is, don't like your own post.

“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.”
Ron White

Life is a long process of getting tired.
– Samuel Butler

Do not take life too seriously, you will never get out of it alive.

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

“The Life and Times of Ivan Pavlov” by Isabelle Ringing

Ars longa, vita brevis.

Art is long, life is short.

There are countless more important things in life than money — if you have enough money.

"In truth, all life is sorrowful. Whoever understands this, understands life."
- The First Noble Truth, Buddhism

Life advice: Make better decisions.

If life is a highway, then why am I stuck in traffic?

Dentist: Ok, let's get you numb.

Me: Life has already done that.

Life is too short to hold onto things that no longer serve you.

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they really good at their job and make my life easier at work? Also no.

Remember, when life gives you lemons, they are considered taxable income.

Life hack: Never, ever open a package that is buzzing and the exact size and shape of a swarm of bees.

My love life is like a game of minesweeper

I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.

Life tip:
Double the life of your phone battery,
put the fuckin' thing DOWN....

You know its bad when you feel like your life is being directed by Quentin Tarantino.

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.

Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked whilst trying to find new people to see you naked.

“Libertarianism is the philosophy which says that you can run your life better than the government can, and you have the right to be left alone in order to do it.”
– Anonymous

I've done stupid things in my life before, I even once got married.

If you feel like life is slipping through your fingers
Just stop masturbating.

You can’t live a full life on an empty stomach.

Life is like a penis.
Often hard for no reason!

A common mistake is thinking our hair turns white as we grow old. That's not true. The hair color doesn't change. It's our life that gets darker.

Having been raised Catholic I didn’t learn until later in life it was OK to date a nun as long as you didn’t get in the habit.

Some things in life are best left unfinished.
Tacos are not one off them.