Random quote/joke about LIFE:

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

LIFE quotes and jokes collection.

Selected LIFE quotes/jokes:

Life is too short to code in C++.

Don’t be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn’t change.
And spiders. Be scared of them too.

So my wife walked out on me after I spent our life savings on a penis extension... She said she just couldn't take it any longer!

"Don't wait for miracles, your whole life is a miracle."
- Albert Einstein

More LIFE quotes/jokes...

If life is a highway, then why am I stuck in traffic?

Dentist: Ok, let's get you numb.

Me: Life has already done that.

Life is too short to hold onto things that no longer serve you.

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they really good at their job and make my life easier at work? Also no.

Remember, when life gives you lemons, they are considered taxable income.

Life hack: Never, ever open a package that is buzzing and the exact size and shape of a swarm of bees.

My love life is like a game of minesweeper

I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.

Life tip:
Double the life of your phone battery,
put the fuckin' thing DOWN....

You know its bad when you feel like your life is being directed by Quentin Tarantino.

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.

Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked whilst trying to find new people to see you naked.

“Libertarianism is the philosophy which says that you can run your life better than the government can, and you have the right to be left alone in order to do it.”
– Anonymous

I've done stupid things in my life before, I even once got married.

If you feel like life is slipping through your fingers
Just stop masturbating.

You can’t live a full life on an empty stomach.

Life is like a penis.
Often hard for no reason!

A common mistake is thinking our hair turns white as we grow old. That's not true. The hair color doesn't change. It's our life that gets darker.

Having been raised Catholic I didn’t learn until later in life it was OK to date a nun as long as you didn’t get in the habit.

Some things in life are best left unfinished.
Tacos are not one off them.

“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.’’
— Mark Twain

"Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead."
— Oscar Wilde

My Sex life is like Coca Cola,

It was classic then went on a diet, and now it’s zero.

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”
― Søren Kierkegaard

Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.

Miss Piggy is the beneficiary of Kermit's life insurance policy. She just has to wait until he croaks.

My gf says we should spice up our sex life with some stuff from 50 Shades of Gray.
First, she wants me to become a billionaire.

Life is like a river with beavers living in it. It's just one dam thing after another.

My hobbies include seeing how long I can hold my breath underwater and meeting Life Guards.

My life is full of positives and negatives. I’m an electrical engineer.

Me : I Love my Life
My Life : Excuse me , We are just Friends

Lucy Van Pelt's Observation: There must be one day above all others in each life that is the happiest.
Corollary: What if you've already had it?

I was kicked out of the circle of life for being a square.

My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over our bed.
- She says she likes to watch herself laugh!

Pardo's Postulates:
Anything good is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
The three faithful things in life are money, a dog, and an old woman.
Don't care if you're rich or not, as long as you live comfortably and can have everything you want.

Nick the Greek's Law: All things considered, life is 9-to-5 against.

Long's Notes:

Always store beer in a dark place.
Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then do it.
If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion.
It has long been known that one horse can run faster than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial.
A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.
Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
A generation which ignores history has no past -- and no future.
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
History does not record anywhere at any time a religion that has any rational basis. Religion is a crutch for people not strong enough to stand up to the unknown without help. But, like dandruff, most people do have a religion and spend time and money on it and seem to derive considerable pleasure from fiddling with it.
It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
Of all the strange "crimes" that human beings have legislated out of nothing, "blasphemy" is the most amazing -- with "obscenity" and "indecent exposure" fighting it out for second and third place.
It's better to copulate than never.
Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks.
It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
Never appeal to a man's "better nature". He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
Avoid making irrevocable decisions while tired or hungry.
An elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.
A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes. This may be the purpose of the universe.
Stupidity cannot be cured with money, or through education, or by legislation. Stupidity is not a sin; the victim can't help being stupid. But stupidity is the only universal capital crime; the sentence is death, there is no appeal, and execution is carried out automatically and without pity.
God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent. It says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks, please. Cash and in small bills.
Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she is not.
In a family argument, if it turns out you are right, apologize at once.
To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
Does history record any case in which the majority was right?
Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
Expertise in one field does not carry over into other fields. But experts often think so. The narrower their field of knowledge the more likely they are to think so.
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmills.
Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it's none of my business, but . . . " is to place a period after the word "but". Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about.
A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being "frank".
Natural laws have no pity.
You can go wrong by being too skeptical as readily as by being too trusting.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Climate is what we expect; weather is what we get.
Pessimist by policy, optimist by temperament -- it is possible to be both. How? By never taking an unnecessary chance and by minimizing risks you can't avoid. This permits you to play out the game happily, untroubled by the certainty of the outcome.
"I came, I saw, SHE conquered." (The original Latin seems to have been garbled.)
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
Don't try to have the last word. You might get it.

Kristol's Law: Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real disasters in life begin when you get what you want.

Knight's Law: Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans.

Freeman's Commentary on Ginberg's Theorem:

Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem. To wit:
Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.

Dhawan's Laws for the Non-Smoker:

The cigarette smoke always drifts in the direction of the non-smoker regardless of the direction of the breeze.
The amount of pleasure derived from a cigarette is directly proportional to the number of non-smokers in the vicinity.
A smoker is always attracted to the non-smoking section.
The life of a cigarette is directly proportional to the intensity of the protests from non-smokers.

Brien's First Law: At some time in the life cycle of virtually every organization, its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.

Doctor said that i have 2 months to live,so I killed the doctor. Now the judge gave me 20 years of life in prison.

Yesterday evening I had to change a lightbulb, a bit later on I crossed the road. Then I walked into a bar..

My life is a joke.

"Life is like a play: it's not the length, but the excellence of the acting that matters."

- Seneca

Life rule: If you feel comfortable alone, you are a powerful individual.

Lemons were not naturally made, so life didn’t give us lemons, we gave lemons life.

Rent a man a helicopter, he will fly for a day.
Throw him off the flying helicopter and he will fly for the rest of his life ...

Life is not a Fairy Tale.
If you lose your shoe at midnight
You Are Drunk.

Life is too short to code in C++.

What happens if you go through life cutting corners?
You become well rounded.

More life quotes and jokes on the following pages...