Random quote/joke about LIFE:

A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again.
After a few minutes the bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!"

LIFE quotes and jokes collection.

Selected LIFE quotes/jokes:

How is life like a penis?
Your girlfriend makes it hard.

My life is just a series of awkward and humiliating moments separated by snacks.

Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.

My life is full of positives and negatives. I’m an electrical engineer.

More LIFE quotes/jokes...

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

My life is just a series of awkward and humiliating moments separated by snacks.

Psychology says private life always wins, keep it a secret till you win.

Last night, I changed a lightbulb, crossed a road, walked into a bar and chatted with an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman.
That’s when I realised my entire life is a joke....

Life is just charging your phone over and over until you die.

"I do not exist to impress the world. I exist to live my life in a way that will make me happy.”
Richard Bach

“Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards”

~ Søren Kierkegaard

All we need in life is someone who thinks about us the way I think about mashed potatoes.

We all are at that point in life where we get more scared of losing earphones than people.

I believe that if life gives you lemons,you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

"The secret to living happily is to enjoy your present life and not get caught up in future issues"
-Albert Einstein

“The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts.”

- Marcus Aurelius

Someone: describe your sex life in two words.

Me: my what?

Coffee….because life is a bitch.

Life insurance is something that helps keeps folks poor all their lives so they can die rich.

People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.

Life is like playing guitar. I’m not very good at playing guitar.

BE CAREFUL: The best things in life will either make you fat, drunk, or pregnant...

Gonna start saying “duck it” in real life so the autocorrect bugs me less.

Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.
- Confucius

"The world is little, people are little, human life is little. There is only one big thing — desire."
~ Willa Cather

Life is about changing perspectives and priorities:
I used to worry if one of my hairs was out of place, now I don’t care if they both are.

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.”
- Albert Einstein

"Don't wait for miracles, your whole life is a miracle."
- Albert Einstein

The thought of going back to life without mask worries me...
I've been mouthing "fuck you" to people for months and I'm not sure I can stop.

"Don't wait for miracles, your whole life is a miracle."
- Albert Einstein

At first my life was depressing and miserable, but I have turned that around. Now it's miserable and depressing.

Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade's gonna suck.

I always take life with a grain of salt. And a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

My life has a great cast, but I still couldn't figure out the plot...

Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.

"The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved — loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves."

~ Victor Hugo

Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of... I wake up.

I know how it is going to end.

One of my kids will unplug my life support machine to charge their phone.

Heard about this guy, he has the worst luck.
He stole a biology textbook, and got like a million life sentences!

"Death is nothing, it's life that's hard."
~ Charles Bukowski

Please God take me back to being 12 and let me start again and mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.

Buy your son a 300 piece tool kit for his 15th birthday.
Steal the 10mm socket.
He needs to learn that the struggle is real.
Follow me for more life lessons.

Sometimes when I have my life together, I sit back and think to myself "Now, that was a great 45 seconds."

I spend 800% of my life exaggerating.

RULE TO REMEMBER FOR LIFE 👉 When it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain!

An old couple returning from florida cross the border.
The customs agent ask the man "did you buy anything while in the US. the man answers no.
the man's wife asks her husband "what did he say?".
the man tells his wife "the agent wants to know if we bought anything".
the customs agent asks the man where he is from.
the man answers "toronto"
. the man's wife says "what did he say?"
the man tells his wife "he wanted to know where we were from
. the agent says to the man " i was in toronto once, i had the worst sex ever in my life in toronto."
the man's wife says "what did he say?"
the husband tells his wife "he thinks he knows you dear."

All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle.
I just never had the balls to do it.

''The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts.''

~ Marcus Aurelius

Nothing tells your friends you've made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.

"Life is but a continual succession of opportunities for surviving."
-- Gabriel García Márquez

I was sitting quietly in my armchair contemplating life last night. I shouts to the missus "when I die I'm going to leave everything to you love". She shouted back "you already do ya lazy bastard"

For the life of me, I can’t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.

No matter how boring life gets, never get married.

Don't forget to get offended today by some sh!t that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.

The State of California is reducing management "bloat" by merging departments...

The Highway Patrol and the Department of Fish & Wildlife will soon merge to become the Department of Fish & CHiPs.

Life tip:

No matter how much you liked the soap - NEVER get caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.

Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.

I've set my "life goals" to stuff I've already done so literally every day now I'm overachieving.
It's all about perspective.

When life gets you down, just remember:
It’s never too early or too late for a nap.

The irony of life is that by the time you’re old enough to know your way around, you’re not going anywhere.

“You'll be fine" the surgeon said after examining my mate Dave’s wife Julie.
"But" Julie asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again, doctor?"
The surgeon paused, his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye.
All of a sudden Julie became alarmed. "What's the matter doctor? I will be all right, won't I?” she said
“Yes, you'll be fine” he replied “It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

Boyfriend: "Life's a bitch, just like you."
Girlfriend: "Actually life is short, just like your dick."

I spent my whole life being proud of my heritage, until I found out that my great grandfather was actually from Transylvania...
Now I can’t even look myself in the mirror.

LIFE BEGINS AT 40 => but so do rheumatism, fallen arches, faulty eyesight, and the annoying tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times...

That which we do not bring to consciousness appears in our life as fate.
- Carl Jung

Life is the art of dying.

There are two words in a person's life that will open a lot of doors for them: PUSH and PULL.

My band has a new acoustic album called 'Life Support Machine' - unplugged.

There's a lot of things people didn't appreciate about school till much later in life - like being caned by a middle-aged woman.

“The literal meaning of life is whatever you're doing that prevents you from killing yourself.”
― Albert Camus

I know everyone thinks tall people have a lot of advantages in life but in reality, they have to deal with 40% more spider webs than the average person.

Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.
George Bernard Shaw

The good life is one inspired by love and guided by knowledge.
Bertrand Russell

Life is like a game of poker, guys start by going with them clubs, ladies follow with a set of hearts, guys put down the diamonds, and before you know it you got a full house.

More life quotes and jokes on the following pages...